'im not sure if this is the fate of a Christian walk. you'll grow and be really passionate on serving God. you wanna love God more, and ppl more. As you grow in ur walk, acquire more wisdom, you become more and more rational and become more passive? if we shld calculate all the consequences before acting, where is the faith factor?

i'm being trained to become God's leader, a phase of building my foundations. there's no more affirmations, no more encouragements, higher expectations, ppl are only willing to give limited benefit of doubt and things arent as easy as i thought it was. i used to think loving ppl is an easy thing to be, as i freely receive, i will be able to give free as well. but i'd realised not. was it acquired wisdom or spirit of discernment, or just my heart had been corrupted? my eyes sees the ulterior motive of ppl's heart. i need to re-learn to be a friend to love ppl.

when i look at ppl dat i really look up to, are they really happy? above all those struggles they had to constantly fight and the sacrifices they have to make yet ppl do not appreciate. to qualify to become one of them in future, one of the fruit of the Spirit is long suffering. wow. am i up to it? at this phase, i guess it's inevitable to ask myself more and more questions.