i've just realised... it's been 13 years...

today was mother's day celebration in church. carmen performed and shared about her testimony of her mum's death two years ago and i wasnt surprised at all because i' knew about it all along. until she started singing "shi shang zhi you ma ma hao". i was really ok till the part "mei ma de hai zi xiang gen chao", my pearl-like tears just start rolling down my nicely-powdered cheeks uncontrollably. i, myself was shocked by my response! for so many years, i really thought i had gotten over it, and i often joke about it. but today, i really almost cried my lungs out, but i used my whole might and held it back. i used to think i hate this song when i was in primary school, but 13 years later, i just realised after not hearing it for so many years, i was afraid of the song dats why i avoiding hearing it all these years.

i think i cried not really because i missed her, as i can barely remember how she was like and those impressions are just what i heard from the adults. i cried, i guess were the grieves and hurts of an orphan for the past 13 years. helpless, defend-less, accused, humiliated, abused, abandoned, unwanted, lonely. how i manage to keep myself alive for the past 13 years when i was supposed to be dead. i really thank God that i met Darryl, Bro Mj and Carol. it's a miracle dat i am still alive and a bonus to be able to love people who are as wounded and hurt. my hurts helped me to empathize and love.

can i let my heartbeat stop?