none was her friend

now that exams are over, her other burden was lighten. she didnt score well for them and was pretty discouraged by it. at times she really feel like givng it up as in not schooling and stuffs like that. it was really pressurising. at that moment, she was so scared that she skipped her first exams. and when she's so corked up, no one seems to be there at that moment. though she often encourages herself by saying everything's over, but somehow, she's still so pressured. something's oppressing her from moving on, but just what is it?many times she feels empty too. hmm. she needs a friend. this is really pathetic, she dont even have a friend that she can relate to, no one. and not even her siblings.

today when she returned to school, she find that she cant cope. like there were too much stuffs for her to do and about that eLearning thingy too. she told her maths teacher that she needs a hardcopy and that teacher was so relunctant to give it to her. worse still, she made it like as if it's her fault. she asked her "TO MAKE FULL USE OF YOUR FRIENDS" how can she possibly make full use of friends when she have none? she didnt want to explain nor clarify and was really upset about it. "how can someone have no friend at all?" this is really so pathetic man, she's really so pathatic. despite of this, she plan to ask her classmates to save it in the tumbdrive for her, but all of them seem was willing. and therefore, no one helped her. oh man, she feels that she really look so pathetic man.

she really want to make friends, but she cant possibly to go to people and say things like," hey can you be my friend?" right? she wants her friends back. she wants to befriend with yanhan and some others(some cant be mentioned) but she just cant. they seem to have lead their own life and they really look so good and fine with life nowadays, so how can she be so self-centered to destroy their happiness?

and her church friends? she feels a distance with them. like they can longer click that well. and it's like the only thing they can see about each other are all negative. yea. and even her closes church friend was no exception. they no longer have things to talk about. nah, maybe some are really nice people, but they all are just not those that she needed.

during recess, she had spent about one hour talking to a girl who her teacher had asked her to counsol. yea. that girl told her about her friend was rejecting her friendship. and then out of no where, she told that girl her own story. -someone whom she really respected told her that if you have one soulmate, you are already a very blessed person as many in this world, up to the time in their tomb, they might not even found a good friend. and in her life, she met three of them, so actually, she's really blessed, but she just take them for granted, and she just lose all of them at almost the same moment. and when she realised her mistakes, everything seems too late. theses were those of her greatest regrets. and maybe these failures were the root that was oppressing her from accepting new friends. yea. she just have this problem, she just tends to reject everyone, because she feels that she do not need anyone except for that three. she just wants them, and she had so much unrevealed truths to explain and clarify to them, but yea, everything's too late now.

that small boy teacher

he's so small boy. he is so small in size and his character too. like a small boy. sometimes, she find him quite gay. (too gentle to ppl) he treats her very well. he's those few who is confident that xueni had changed. he's a christian too. so she find it so easy to click with him. she's probably his favorite student, she think? she really likes him. yea. she likes those blur blur, stupid stupid and abit small boy guys who doesn't know how to coax girls. but at the same time mature too. he's those mr nice guy. she never intend to be with him, or that she love him. she just likes him and look upon him. dat's all. cause she never want to get herself emotionally attached yet. so, she just hope to know him better. yea. dat's all.

a great change

she was feeling really dry ytd and was thinking abt backsliding again. she just think that maybe those things in the bibble are all made up. and those words that those ppl are preaching were just some philosophy that uses the words in the bibble to be the supportive evidence. and wat if there isn't such thing call god? then everyone will really look like a fool. and wat abt those "encounters with god"? then this means that it's their minds that's playing tricks with them. but she start changing her thoughts when carol showed her a verse from the bibble, "Now this I say lest anyone should deceive you with persuasive words. For thought I am absent in flesh, yet I am with you in spirit, rejoicing to see your good order and the steadfastness of your faith in Christ. As therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him." she was starting to get excited again she was trying so hard to get excited again and she did. but then later after the service, they all went for dinner. a member happen to lecture her infront of everyone. and no one seems to understand how awkward and bad she feels. the worse thing is that some of her friends still "add salt" to it. it is not that she can't accept others comments, but those words were really too harsh and it really hurt her pride. that member really made her feel so lousy abt herself. and it's like, finally she was starting to get back to move on. she was starting recovering from those hurts and walking out of the darkness. her words, those words really really hurt her pride. she really feel so lousy abt herself. like as if she's some childish, immature and wildful girl who doesn't reflect on her own actions. and that all these while, she thought that she had grown up to be more sensible and mature after those incidents. and these were the only things that she is proud of abt those bad memories. these were those that she used to console herself abt her filthy past. but that member just destroy everything. this means that she had not change. not at all. yea. she's still as filthy. just a dirt. no, worse. just like a piece of SHIT. xueni is just a stupid bitch. SLUT!!

insensitive

the other time her catholic teacher was preaching to the class abt some nasty people. and when he said that they were insensitive, she was hit really hard on her head. wat a powerful word he had used. yea. at times we all were so insensitive and self-centred. he told the class abt two stories. one abt a sec one boy was beaten by his friends and was now laying in the hospital in coma. the other was that two staffs was making a joke out of our heavenly father. she was kinda mad with those inmature staffs and have the urge to scream at them. yea. she thought anyone who was there will probably do that, but she was really impressed by this teacher's reaction. he just told them calmly," if this was your father, do u still think it is a joke?" this is a good one man! yea. indeed he's the disciple of god. patient and calm. with a big heart. she thinks she really have much to improve and learn. he also made her feel guilty abt her harsh character. this action of his really reavel some of his charm. she used to think he's immature, hot-tempered and stuffs like that, but yea, this really change her opinions abt him. she thinks she start to like him. haha ;p