God Is "Unfair". =)

i had two visitors who were previously my aunt's fellow buddist mates. one of them happened to know that i'm a christian and started bombarding me with many doctrines about buddism as the faith that is above all the other faith. he can even quote many bible verses. he taught me abt idolatry, water baptizm and carrying the cross, which was what i had learnt in SOT. actually his understanding of our christian faith is very deep, but to him, the buddist god is the real and ultimate truth and all the other faiths are branches of this ultimate truth.

i think this is a great interaction with ppl of the other faith that i rarely have. i guess, being in the Singaporean culture for the entire lifetime, we tend to be a little over-sensitive or easily intimidated when it come to the topic on faiths that leaves us very little exposure to what the other faiths are all about, what are the convictions of the people that they are willing to die for. being over-protected and refusing to listen to the others talking about their faiths can make us shallow people or even frogs in the well. however, before we can even participate in such sensitive discussions, we need to have a firm foundation of our christian faith, a maturity at the heart that will not constantly looking for opportunities to retailiate and an openness to hear what they have to say, then we would definitely be able to learn much from them that gives us a greater revelation of the Word of God when we draw a link between them.

well, putting that aside, i'm glad that i had the opportunity to chat with the uncle that i really like when i attended the buddist classes when i was younger. he leave to me this fatherly impression and is compassionate about our plight since childhood. he makes me think sharing with him about my thoughts are very simple and he is very ready to listen and to feel about how i felt. eventhough i told him that i've flang my A levels last year and i am actualy not very optimistic about my exams this year, i can feel that he believes in me still and most importantly, he didnt judge me or condemn me. he said something that really triggered my heart, "i think your family really depends on you, you really got to make it big in the future." this was the exact same mission that i'd told myself as young as when i first had memory and pastor mj told me that too.

for a period of time, i had thoughts to escape from this family. the only way for myself to totally freed myself from them is to get married! haha. i think to many people, they will think it is really funny or even absurb, but to someone who someone who do not have any direct biological family who are supportive, never feels secure and can be thrown out at the slightest mistake, marriage for a moment might seemed to be one of the way that she can escape from all these insecurities. she will then start to have her family, her house. but definitely, this is a very naive idea. everything starts from the within. one got to be secure with who he is, what he has in order to be happy. it's not so much about the circumstances, but the substances from within.

and of course, i have repented from that thought. hah. i wont deny that i really don feel very loved at home and gets very discouraged to love them, but i do love them very much. i'll try my best with the time i have with them to love and transform their lives. i want them to be happy people. people who can feel a wide range of emotions, especially love. i guess it's the hardness of life, they protect themselves by resisting to feel and therefore it hardens the heart and become numbed. but the love of God is wider and deeper than everything. if i am able to be redeem, anyone will be able to. i want to make a difference!

i think i am very favoured. looking back, i think the hands of God have been lifting me and the eyes of God have been watching over me even before i knew Him. eventhough i was born to a weak circumstance, but i was very looked after. when my siblings and i played with the neighbourhood children, we were the favourites of the older kids. when i went to primary school, my result just improved drastically without and guidance and ever since i've topped my class and level in my major exams. i will always stand-out or become the most popular one where i am placed eventhough i am not very pretty or extremely talented. should people say that God is unfair, yes i think so and agree to it completely! He gave me all the great talents-i can sketch slightly better than the average, able to sing slightly better than the average, able to study slightly better than the average, look slightly better than the average, speak slightly better than the average, able to do sports slightly better than the average. yes, God is very unfair! he is bias to me.

like i've said, before my mum passed away, we were the more popular kid n the neighbourhood. in school, i was chosen to be in the school netball team when i just joined for a few months copared to my frens wheo joined for a year. when i took part in any sports events, i would always come in top three at least. and also top the class or level in my major exams. i would also be very priveliage to get to know outstanding people whom many people try to get close with but unble. before my mum passed away, the older populaer kid-William. In primary school, the popular best sportsmen in my school-Weilun. In secondary school, i become the most "popular" one that people try to get close to. In Jc, eventhough i try to fade in and out of school, my friends still think i'm the "cool" person and my teachers will really treat me exceptionally well. In church, i get to know one of the most anoited and loving couple, Darryl and MJ, personally. and to learn under them.

looking back, God's eyes have been watching over me. His favour over me is so explicit. yes, God's favourite is ME! =)