My Testimony

“My parents had a “shot-gun” marriage at the age of 19 and 20 for mummy and daddy respectively. True enough, they were too young to handle the cruelness of reality after the three of us were born. We lived in one-room flat and living conditions were really poor as they were both uneducated.

Being young at age, they were irresponsible. Mummy would leave us at our grandma’s place and went clubbing and partying with her friends. I’m not very sure where daddy were, as this was what my grandma ‘recite’ to me daily in my childhood days to remind my siblings and I of how unwanted and unloved we were.

From the time I remembered, daddy was a wife-beater. I don’t remembered why he abused us, but till now, I can still remember his scary eyes vividly though I was merely four years old. Each time, we would run to the nearest police post at our vicinity for rescue and mummy would step out, in front of us to shield us from the uncontrollable monster. This happens so often that the policemen became so familiar with us. Recalling now, the scene of mummy whole body bruised from the beaten vividly scarred in my memory. However, mummy did not leave daddy as I know she loved him very much.

Due to the desperation forced by poverty, mummy had to sleep with other men to ‘borrow’ money to provide for the three of us as her allowance as a dish-washer was too little, where daddy just rots at home. Rumors spread fast by the efficient Nosey Parkers in the market and I guess this was the reason why daddy became violent.

The misery did not last long, but should I consider it as a relieve or not, as it all ended when mummy passed away when I was merely seven. Perhaps to others and even my grandma, mummy was cheap, but in our eyes, she’s our ‘wonder woman’, she’s noble, she’s the best.

I can hardly remember my primary school days as I was often bullied by my schoolmates and even my relatives. However, I remembered I was quite a talented child.

This event I guess my siblings and I will never forget. When I was P2, my bro P4 and sis P5, my aunty (mummy’s sis) brought us Malaysia. However at the checkpoint, my bro’s passport had fault, they mercilessly abandoned him there and drove away, leaving this poor and helpless boy standing in the middle of the busy road at the checkpoint, flagging for kind Singaporeans to drive him back to town.

As I was promoted to Bedok North Secondary School as the top for PSLE aggregate, I promise myself I will not be bullied anymore, so I became rebellious and was blacklisted as the new most target student by my OM, DM, P and VP. I was so ‘popular’ that the whole school knew my reputation, as smart but rebellious. My teachers were most glad when I’m not in the class, so no one will disrupt their lessons. My mindset was, ‘the fiercer I am, the least people will try to bully me”. True enough, no one dared to bully me and them hypocritically tried hard to be my friends. I knew it, so I only had one soul mate.

Although I tried with all my might to protect and cherish this friendship, it last merely a year. With the great hope tarnished and pressures from my family as my uncle was in heavy debt, I broke into depression and commit suicide. On March 7, 2005, I was sent to Institute of Mental Health (IMH) for a week.. Then, I continued in my depression and refused to talk.

In January2006, I was almost sent to St Andrew’s Home for being rebellious. In my rebellious days, I committed rioting, illegal gathering, threatening, fighting, defiance, truancy, vandalism and providing false statement.

On July29, 2005, I started attending church. However I wasn’t strong until December 25, 2006 when I dedicated my life once again to God. This was the turning point of my life, of course, also with the help from my teachers too. They act as a’ part-time’ mummy to me when I needed motherly love most, provide advice for me and listened to me. Basically I can share with them anything under the sun, even my deepest secrets. Eventually, I was one of the top students 2007, graduating with 4As, 2Bs and 2Cs for my O’ levels.
I’m very grateful to them and I value kinship more than my life, I hope to keep up the good work and eventually impacted more youths as I share my experiences with them.

Once I heard this story of a star-thrower once from my pastor.

“One day, the wave washes all the star-fishes onto the shore. There were thousands of them which were dehydrating and dying. Sadden upon seeing these, the boy started picking up the star-fishes one by one and throw them back to the sea. A man walk passed and told the boy this,

“There are thousands of them, u can’t possibly save them all, don’t waste your effort.”

Boy: “I know I can’t save them all, but what I know is that for every one star-fish that I throw, I’m making that ONE DIFFERENCE! So, I’ll continue throwing and throwing.”

Though my strength alone is small, but as long as I know I can make that ONE difference, I’ll continue being a star-thrower.

Motivated

Haven't been to school for the pass four days. Just received a message from Ee Ling that i've gotten 8/10 for my chem tests and 14.5/ 25 for GP test. though compared to my secondary school's results, these are considered bad, but somehow, i was really motivated and encourage by it. Cause i hacen pass a single one since i enter JC. and one thing i'm glad is that, God indeed is good. He blessed me iwth a very good friend-Ee Ling. Praise the Lord!

Reality Strikes Me

STUDY HARD!!

I've missed school for 2 days already. Well, i've realised i was too naive. yea. How can i possibly concentrate with him around? I'm really troubled. Cause i've always made a promise to myself that i'll make my family proud by being the first one to get into uni. Now, with my horrendous result, i doubt i can even make it for J1, don't even say uni.

Xueni, Xueni, you have to really buck up and be discipline!!

I've decided, i'll set rules for myself. If i don fulfill it, i shall leave and just make sure i get into uni.

RULE #1: must go to school everyday

RULE#2: cannot be late for school more than 3 times in a year

RULE#3: i must pass all my tests. cannot fail more that 3 in a term

RULE#4: must complete all my hw on time, best if i can complete them within that day itself

RULE#5: must fulfill a revision time of 20 hours a week

Wake up my dear!! This place is not your house!! They are not your family!!! Yesterday we went to watch Forbidden Kingdom together with the mum. After the show, i asked her how is it, and she just told me, not so good. Ended. Yet today she was discussing it excitedly with her daughter. I really understand that no matter what, i'm just his another girlfriend. How possibly can i be as close with her just like a biological daughter? So Xueni, stop being naive and buy in their comforting words. They said that just to make you feel more accepted in the house.

WAKE UP NOW!!!

The Bet

This morning, I really have the urge to leave this place, this house, leave him. However, there just seem to be a strength that's holding me back each time i have the same thought. In the end, i stayed. I guess, i really love him.

At times, he will make me really mad, while he just expects me to forgive he each time by just saying this insignificant word-sorry. However, yet i'll still stupidily forgive him each time. The power of love, i guess.

Today i asked his mum for opinion on if i should leave him. She told me it's a bet. The bet is on if i will believe he will change for the better, but it would take a couple of years. Do i want to wait, or just end and stop waste my time and effort on this man. I knew my answer is to continue in the bet, because i love him, but i know i might have the urge to leave again the next time he make me really mad. Well, all i can say is, which couple don't bicker?

Why do i love him? I often ask myself. He has nothing. No money, no car, no house, no qualification. Neither is he hardworking nor dilligent. He has no definite goals in life. And actually he's really lazy. But just why would i fall in love with him? Maybe it's his cheerfulness? Or is it his kind heart? Well, to the others, he may seem unworthy to be with me, but the fact is, i'm the one that is unworthy. Cause the man really has a golden heart. He never despise anyone, even the bangaladesh workers in his dad's company. He still befriend them. I guess even for me, sometimes i'll think they are inferior as what the society has taught. Most importantly, i know he loves me much too.

I really love the watch him sleep! He behaves like a baby when he sleeps. I like to watch he dance along with the techno to irritate me. He looks really retarded. I think he looks really cute when he rise he eyebrows, open his eyes big, slant his a little amd smile to me to check if i'm alright.

I guess he loves me much too. When i'm hungry, he cooks instant noodles for me. When i'm ill, he feeds me and took care of me. When im naughty, refusing to eat the medicine, he threatens to inform my tigress sis. LOL. When i'm greedy, he accomodates me by buying them to me. When i'm lazy, he forces me to do homework. When i feel down, he comforts me. When i'm troubled, he just seat quietly and lent me a pair of listening ears till the whole night. when i cry, he wepts my tears for me and even help me to dig my nose when it's blocked! When i'm angry, he make me laugh using his silliness. When i feel alone in this world, he shared with me his wonderful family. He just shower me with much love each day, that's why he's special and i makes me stupidity forgive him each time he disappoints me.

I really love him.

1st PW Meeting-which gone CRAZY!!

Lol. Fun man! The meeting had just ended. initially it was all serioous and quiet, then, everything had gone crazy when i on the webcam and tried to take some pictures. HAHA. Well, so far, i really enjoyed having such a fun bunch of groupmates.

Confusions

For the past 1 week, there's many decisions swirling in my mind-should i transfer to Innova instead? But what if i manage to transfer there but i no longer stay in Woodlands? Should i just abandon all i have now and return to where i come from? I asked myself, "just what am i clinging on over here? I don belong here!"

Decision were made, I stayed. However, I just cant bring myself to trust him. He told me i should trust him, but they were too flirtish. Have u ever consider my thoughts, my feelings before you do anything? I just stupidily forgive you once and again everytime you failed me. Do u know it's actually a betrayal for you to talk to her so flirtishly. Though in your perception, as long as you didn't have sex with her, it is not any form of betrayal, but i'm telling you now, it is!


Definitions of betray
1.
to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his country.
2.
to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3.
to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one's friends.
4.
to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.
5.
to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal): Her nervousness betrays her insecurity.
6.
to show or exhibit; reveal; disclose: an unfeeling remark that betrays his lack of concern.
7.
to deceive, misguide, or corrupt: a young lawyer betrayed by political ambitions into irreparable folly.
8.
to seduce and desert.

You have left me not knowing what to do with you. Do you know that i actually don't want to behave like an unreasonable girl who throws temper at very little small things? And i'm actually not like what i am now? Neither was I petty nor unreasonable! Do you know that I know of your very own secrets? It something that you don even know of yourself-you don't love me but yourself-you didn't consider my thoughts or feelings before you made any decisions or attempt any actions. You just self-fishly think that "it's my life", yea. And now it'll be very soon. Cause I think I'll be leaving you very soon if this continues. You never know, probably one day when you wake up, I've been gone. And do you know what, I actually didn't want to leave, but you have left me with on choice.

My New Class-08S25

Well, guess wat my class is an all girls class in a mixed school!!! lol. A very special class. Sometimes i think it look more like a market!! lol. It's really noisy, especially as it's filled with the sharp voices of all the girls. As usual, i have yet to form MY own cliques. Sometimes i wonder if it's a curse. Haha. However, this is just the 1st wk of us spending our days together, I'm still looking forward to the rest of the 2 yrs together!!!

After Relwase of Posting Result...

Well, I'm posted to JJC. Initially when i got there, i was like, "oh no!! This building looks hunted!!" LOL. Yea, the place is really old. However, after the five days in that school, I kinda feel "bonding" with them. It feels really "home" and "neighbourhood" which feels really like BNSS, my previous secondary school.

The teachers there are hilarious!! There this "Mr Handsome Ng" (he calls himself that?) who the HOD of character development and some others who are really funny. Well the best part of JJ is that everyone feels proud to be a JJcians though academically we're not as good as VJ, TJ and many other JCs, but there's still this JJ spirit in everyone-the cheers, mass dance, jokes, friendliness in JJ. And I'm proud to be a JJcian!! Yea.

O Levels Results!!

Yea, i 've gotten my results today. Hmm, kinda bad... It's not up to my expectations though i'm still one of the top. I've gotten for myself 4 distinctions. My L1R5 is 14 and L1R4 is 11. really disappointing man. JC says this is the lesson for being over-confident. Yea, probably so. I think i really got to learn to be more humble. Actually my intentions are just to boost my confidence and put more pressure on myself by confessing my goals out to people.

Oh yes, i'll be on the newspaper tommorrow. Cool right?!! The Vice principal called the reporter as she hopes to share my testimonies to the people. Well, i really feel proud of my experiences and i really wanna thank God for all his love, grace and mercy. Though i may have failed Him and upset Him many countless times, but He's still faithful. Praise the Lord!!

When i've reached school just now after such a long time, i really feel at home. i miss BNSS!! Especilly all the teacher there. Mrs Yeow, Mrs Tan and all of them. Mrs Yeow really understands me very well. She's the only one who knows that i'm very dissappointed with my results though i am one of the top while everyone just congratulates me ignorantly.

surprisingly, i've got A1 for my combine humans!! lol. I've always gotten F9 for it. What a great improvement!! Thanks to that irritating Kelvin Lee and Mrs Fong. yea

New yr revelations??

Well, I've got into TPJC for the 7 weeks trial. Somehow, i don't think I'm ready for a school life now. On the first day of school, i was late for ha;f an hour. Second day late for one and a half hour. Third day, can't even get up for school. LOL. So somehow, I'm kinda lagging in my work. Yea, stress!! It's something I've never felt for a long time. Especially in the area of my acaedamic. Yup, cause it has always been sokmething I'm strong at. Hmm, I've somehow lost confidence in it. However, my passion for studies and scholar have not end.

JC has entered my life, which I'm extermely thankful for. I really feel so glad that he's there to share with me and lightened my burdens. He loves me deeply, so now I wanna love him deeply with all my heart and strength. However, I know I'm kinda sway away with my work and my purpose, but I'll try to get back soon.

Oh and, I MISS U ALOT VAL!!! I really hope that we can spend more time together just like how we do in the past. haha.

My Time In Blue

Hurray!! finally my com is working!! Well, i've been working in a pub throughout this holiday and it's definitely an interesting experience to have! i saw the ugliness of life which i guess many have never seen before. but nevertheless, it is a beautiful place too.

i saw this man hugging one of the waitresses who is of my age-16 and the worst part is, i think he is as old as my dad!! i just hate it man!!

however, the beautiful part is, i think they are all very loving people. they treated me very well, just like a family. well, i'll be leaving after Christmas and i'm sure i'm gonna miss them.

some good news and goals setting

Well, haven't been posting for a long while and i have a lot of good news to share.

1. Finally, i got a new good friend!! She's Valerie. actually i didn't expect we will become good friends. I'm sure the friendship will blossom especially when we build it upon the Lord.
2. I'm top in class! hurray!! the best part is that i fulfilled my goal-obtaining top 10 in level position. I've got 6th in level position. i really believe that whatever i visualise, it'll definitely come to pass. keep on keeping on!
3. I'm in the most loving, caring, extraordinary, interesting CG!! My new leader is Gloria.W who is a compassionate lady. I'm sure the Cg make a great TEAM (Together Everyone Achieves More).
4. This is a surprise, my best friend cum brother cum classmate, Han has a girlfriend! His girlfriend is a very nice lady, they make a perfect pair. But i still hope that we won't be distanced by it.
5. I love God even more now!

Hmm, my first paper is on Monday but i haven't prepare for it. i really want to be the top student in BNSS and i know it can happen so long so i work dilligent it for it, for i have a God who will bless me and help me. jia you, Xueni. work harder, and stop slacking!!

I submit all to you, Lord

God, please do bless Han

hmm, haven been posting for a long while. Recently was really involve with church and stuffs and then realised that i neglected my studies. however, i'll keep on keeping on in my walk with God.

currently im giving tuition to a few of my friends. i hope and i'll pray for them. especially my dearest friend, Han. i just pray that God will bless him and his family. i really cant afford to lose this angel in my life. and i just realise my obliviousness towards my dependency and attachment to him.

Father i just lift this prayer into your loving hands,
i pray for your favour to come upon Han.
please do send your holy spirit to han to protect and guide him.
please do bless our friendship.
and don ever allow the devil to take him away from me.
i really love him very much.
i pray for my brother and his family.
in Jesus name i pray,
amen.

Save the N239s

yup. yesterday night Rubez and i planned to save ourcell group by calling up one aother at least once a week for a 2 person PM. cool? lol. i think my current cg is under a cuse by the devil and this stupid culture of fallen in love, getting distracted should be stopped and rebuke in Jesus's name! Amen?

however, when affected people being asked and remind, some denied of being part of it and the others stupidily fell into the devil's trap. i think we should really pray about it man. if not Brother MJ out there will soon suffer from a heart attack if more gets affected. and current members that are still focus are just Rubez, Shi Wei and myself. these are the people that i'm very sure of. the rest still not very certain. whatever it is, rubez and myself will stay focus and consistantly remaind each other and not be the next heartache for Bro MJ. we just want to share His burden and raise up in God's kingdom.

so far, the devil had been trying to tempt the both of us with brothers that are really "attractive" and strong. but no matter how good they are or how close the bothers are to us, we will not let the devil have his way. yea

my friend, Yue Ze

haha. so this is the silly irritating friend that i had been mentioning in my blog. lol. this pathetic guy was always mentally abuse by me. lol. but i think it have become the other way round now. lol. he has been bullying me. but whatever it is, he certainly is a brother that i look up to and a friend that i will cherish forever. thanks dude.

i'm never the same

i have been transformed and i knew that. i can feel that in my heart. it's God. well, the friend that i've mention in my last posting have reconciliated with me. yea. praise the lord.

i will not feel insecure or unworthy anymore as i know, my greatest value is my value to God. and my father in heaven is consistent, he will love me unconditionally despite what's my past, what i've did. since i repented, he will forgive me. he loves me.

returning to church is a great challenge for me and of cause my time. but my catholic teacher have really been a great "discipler" to me. teaching me how to prioritise between studies and church. though i still is not very good at it and not coping too well, but i know God is watching over me and carrying me on his back. Faith, is the engine and God is the strength. the activities in church were 'overwhelming' me. and this means that i will have very little time to study. i don even have the time to sleep. i'm really worn out. there are days whereby i just fell asleep suddenly in the afternoon or evening and woke up the next day morning, without knowing it. this is really hard, but there is not a second that i'll complain or regret serving him or walking this walk. i just want to be so close to him. to enter into the highest level of intimacy with him. i just want to be so close to him. i love jesus.

ya, returning to church had drawn me away from Han. i wonder how is he? i think we are so far apart now. the last time i can at least guess what's on his mind,but now, i think we somehow lost this connection. guess that he will never understand my love for God and therefore not understand me. hmm, but whatever it is, Han's position in my heart will never change. i've even placed him in my priorities card. lol.

oh ya, my CG is disbanded. this means that all of us will be seperated soon. i wil miss all of them. yup. and that silly irritate idiotic Yue Ze too. haha. i cherishes all of them, Candice, John, KK, Joey, keith, Hui Ting, Xiu Li, Shawn, Sam, Carmen, Samuel. and probably yue ze will have the greatest impact on me because i have not been treating him well and i think i've really let him down. lol. he is just starting to taste some "sweetness" from me and then we must be separated. i have just start to really cherish him. haha. maybe he's just so 'suai' lol.

A two weeks friend

the friend i've made two weeks ago, i've lost it...

i've hurt him. hmm, i've always been a nuisance to him. i'm mean and nasty to him. i had never pay attention to what he'd told me and think it's rubbish. i ask him out on a particular day and left him all alone walking behind, following me. though we often chat on the phone, but i don even know what i've said. basically i think i'm just talking crap to him all these while, trying to get entertained and irritate him. he's just the new target for me to disturb. despite this, he had been listening to my nonsense patiently. he treats me really well, but i treated him like a dirt. whenever i know that he's trying to talk to me, i would close my eyes, letting him to think that i'm taking a nap, but actually is that i don want to talk to him. i don even want to hear his voice. i don know why, the sight of him just irritate me. furthermore, i would just make a big fuss when i think he made a mistake but in fact, it wasnt even a mistake. this is just how nasty i am to him. and that idiot, just stupidily, allowing me to bully him?!! silly fool.

i knew he should be treated better. but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. attitude, cool, numbed are just words to describe the daily me and i'm just those type who will treat you worse the more i care for you. yea. i got to admit this, i care for him and cherish him. though this is so, i will never tell him. never! care and concern don need words to be shown. at least for me? i think so. this is just the way i care.

also, i don wish to be too close to him. maybe it's more of fears. i've made a promise to myself which will probably last for a year. i don wish to get emotionally attached. i fear this friendship would grow into something more. so i'm just trying to prevent disasters from happening. i don wish those stupid chemical reactions in the brain (infactuations/ affections) to spoil the friendship and i know it's not the time yet. moreover, i'm still waiting for the day whereby i return to look for Uncle and talk things clear. i still miss Uncle. and i don want to "betray" him. i still hope to care for my Uncle. also, i'm trying hard to stop him from invading into my past, my privacy and my heart. maybe i'm just too ashame to let him learn about it.

i know i've hurt him badly and these are not very acceptable reasons for me to end this friendship. still, i will do it if i were to be given another chance. i know very well what i'm doing. i know he's hurt and disappointed. but i would rather him beind hurt and disappointed for a few days than him being more wounded in the future when he gets to know the real me. i know he will get over it soon.

i'm sorry my friend, because i cherishes you, so i left.

appreciation night-29/12/06

yea. at the party, we are asked to dressed according to our cell group's theme. and my group's theme was nerd!! haha. on the day itself, i went to look for a fake set of teeth which i spend 3hours searching for that place.

when we are all dressed up, my members first gather at the corridor outside the multi-purpose hall at bayshore pak. there came this guy whose name, yue ze. at that moment, i was thnking, "hmm, this guy are not dressed up?" he just merely wear a blouse. when he saw me, i guess he was shock rather than surprise. and that guy just tuck in his blouse and thinking that it look really nerd.haha. i mean, how silly can he be? then i came into a conclusion, personally, he definitely is a nerd. lol.

SL camp

yea. just came back from camp on monday morning, sunday midnight. lol. it was the service learning camp and she was going there as a facilitator.

her instructor is a guy. he's timothy. the first impression he gave her wasnt really good. she thought he's really childish and playful. so she didnt talk much. during the debriefing tim said that she's too quiet.

on the second day, she became really crazy. she misses the camp. it was really fun.

actually, what she wanted to blog very much is about how much she wished to meet tim. how sad, she was told by the other leaders that they cant exchange contacts as it was the policy. though he can be really playful at times, but he's certainly not. there's sometimes she cant help imagining about having a partner like tim. what will it be? lol. but she's so definite that she doesnt like him. she just wish to get to know this cheerful guy who really had brightened up her life. nah, never mind. she believes in fate, so don worry she told herself, if it's all predestined, they will definitely meet again. yea.