on wed, xueni found out from her friend that she was banned to go to watch anymore softball matches. she felt so depressed and kinda sad that she fall sick again. she had just recover from the old sickness which was caused by also softball a week ago and now, she sick again. and this time, it's too, abt softball.
recently, she get to noe this guy from her church. he was so clumpsy and blur. on the first day they met each other, was at her church. he's sitting beside her. during the praise and worship period, as she was swinging and dancing with the music, she knock on to him for abt more than 20 times and there were twice, a hard one. he too, when he was trying to sit down, he accidently elbow her, so hard. and he kept telling her sorry.
on the next day, her friend carol called her and ask her to "reach out" to that guy. she don even know his name and she just called him. she wants him to go for her cg. she was so unreasonable to him. she claimed that he knock on to her so many times but the fact is that she was the one. ha. she know that she was being unreasonable, but that's wat xueni is famous for too. she was so unreasonable that he had no choice, but to agree with her that he will be going for the next week.
ytd he kept his promise, he came to church. this is the second time they met. and the atmosphere was kinda weird. she felt a slight awkward when she saw him. maybe it because she was too fierce to him on the phone the other time. she thinks he was quite fearful of her as he refused to sit beside her. but in the end, he was sitting beside her. during the praise period, he stepped on her leg twice. she thinks he probably out for revenge. haha. and after the praise and worship, then, they are allowed to sit down. and because she so sick ytd, she fell asleep a few times. and this it kinda weird, every time she dowz off, her head will just fall towards the side where he was sitting and he will just move away from her. ha. he probably just scared of her. haha. and when pst start preaching, she started dowsing off again. and when she woke up, she found herself lying on his shoulder!! to avoid the awkward atmosphere, she act as if she's still sleeping, and slowly move her head away. he is quite caring. she's always so mean to him, and every time will find sorts of ways to bully him, but ytd after knowing that she's so sick, he never move his shoulders away like wat he usually will do. though he's so clumpsy, but she never dislike him, but instead, he left a good impression.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
alone or lonely
today, she approached ed. this is probably one of the few times she will do such a thing. and there seem to be a sign of awkard. why? she wonders. xueni had been thinking of it for the whole weekend and this is the result. she told herself dat she will give up everyone, including belle for ed, but it's too late.. ed just gave her a cold look. and for dat moment, she just burst out. why? she's not those weak girls? nah, her heart's too heavy.
she is back to her old self again she thought. she hardly talk to anyone, and the smile on her face seem to be reducing. why?? after an incident on last thurs. she met a pervert on a bus which change her life? this reminds her of the past experiences again and all her fears. she missed belle. really. every morning she will try to take the same bus as her. though belle is cold towards her, but to xueni, she just wanna watch her. and it's only in the morning when they take the same bus then, she could be able to be so close to her.
now, even yanhan gave up on xueni. he didnt talk to her. they haven been talking for 4 days and it seems like weeks to her as yanhan is her only friend, but she thinks dat she will be losing her only frined soon too. why? why? she keep losing all her friends? ahe really feel so helpless abd lonely. like, even one day if she disappears in this whole, no one would really bothers, or worse, no one noticed. she had became so negative abt life. the cheerful and positive girl had pass away fromj the day that incident took place. for the past 4 months, she's just trying hard, struggling with all these. fears, loneliness, sadness, phobias... she needs someone, but who will be there for her? she looked around, no one seems to be there. she's all alone. coach? he promise her that he will be there, but he's the first one to leave her. and then everyone. they just abandon her. leaving her in the darkeness....
she is back to her old self again she thought. she hardly talk to anyone, and the smile on her face seem to be reducing. why?? after an incident on last thurs. she met a pervert on a bus which change her life? this reminds her of the past experiences again and all her fears. she missed belle. really. every morning she will try to take the same bus as her. though belle is cold towards her, but to xueni, she just wanna watch her. and it's only in the morning when they take the same bus then, she could be able to be so close to her.
now, even yanhan gave up on xueni. he didnt talk to her. they haven been talking for 4 days and it seems like weeks to her as yanhan is her only friend, but she thinks dat she will be losing her only frined soon too. why? why? she keep losing all her friends? ahe really feel so helpless abd lonely. like, even one day if she disappears in this whole, no one would really bothers, or worse, no one noticed. she had became so negative abt life. the cheerful and positive girl had pass away fromj the day that incident took place. for the past 4 months, she's just trying hard, struggling with all these. fears, loneliness, sadness, phobias... she needs someone, but who will be there for her? she looked around, no one seems to be there. she's all alone. coach? he promise her that he will be there, but he's the first one to leave her. and then everyone. they just abandon her. leaving her in the darkeness....
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Back to Self
nowadays, xueni realise that ed doesnt really like to spend time wif her. she felt quite helpless. the other time, she went ed's blog and saw a girl left a message in his chat box. she felt quite sour for a moment. xueni wonder why ed noe her?? so the next day, she tease him and he gave her a 'stop being irritating' look. though xueni don wan to get herself emotionally attached, and that she don have any other special feelings for ed other than friends, she just don like it. she don like ed to talk to other girls. ha. but ed probably just don understand and start to find xueni irritating. ed had been wif her through the darkest days of her life and she probably just don wanna let him go. but wat can she do? she cant do much but to stay at a corner alone, crying alone, live on alone.
recently, xueni had to encounter several prob in her life at the same time. they all just happened all at a time that she cant really handle. at first, she sturbornly refuse to get any help, but now, she know that she needs someone there for her, to rely on, but no one seems to be there for her. then, she start thinking abt belle.
recently, xueni had to encounter several prob in her life at the same time. they all just happened all at a time that she cant really handle. at first, she sturbornly refuse to get any help, but now, she know that she needs someone there for her, to rely on, but no one seems to be there for her. then, she start thinking abt belle.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Lost & Found - password
yea!!! finally, after so long, i manage to get into my blog!!! i so blur, i actually forget my password!! then i hav like two long 'essay' wanted to update dat time. the 1st one it's abt kenny, han and aisah. and the second one is all abt kenny. ha. but it's useless now i guess, so jus forget abt it. oh ya, Hi everyone!! xueni's back!!!
Recently xueni's sch had organised a softball camp for all members on last sat. The teacher-in-charge are super bias, they don allow the girls to stay overnight. Wat the!!!! i mean, it's camp?!!!! and they gave a stupid reason-very little girls going, so they don want to waste time book a room for them. wat the!!! den wat do they take them for?? xueni knew dat earlier, and was so disappointed to hear dat. but she don care, she was planning to hide herself from the teachers. she was expecting coach to support her, but the coach gave her attitude den she was so angry, so when out of the sch wif han and kai liang without informing anyone. this is one of the few times, xueni's so irresponsible. they went out for 45 mins and returned only after the coach rushed them to be back. when they returned, they saw the teacher standing there watching the team running around the quadrangal shouting, 'we are a team, we must takt care of each other!' seeing them being punished, xueni felt a hard pain on her chest. she felt it. she wasn't blamed. but she felt dat she should be running too, cos her team's running, her family's running, so she ran, as much. mrs khoo tried to stop her, but u know, xueni's famous for her stuborness and prideful character, she didnt really bother. she stopped eventually after knowing mrs khoo wanted to make yan han and kai liang run double. they had a long talk and finally, xueni had decided to quit the team. she's really sad to leave. she told herself nt to cry, and the next day, she fall sick.
she had a high fever. she's so sick dat she cant move at all. despite of this, she kept thinking abt the team and the camp. abt their well beings. she was expecting messages. she's expecting yan han and coach to give her a consoling msg or wat, but none of them did. and the whole day, her phone didnt even ring once. on the next day, she heard dat coach was very angry wif her, he thinks dat xueni is abusing his authority. wat the!!!! is xueni so powerless dat she needs to use others power?? she's nt dat kinda person. and she reply to it heartlessly. so said she don really care, he's nothing to her and dat he cant affect her mood. actually she knows, she's only being stuborn. in her, she's so disappointed. she thought of the whole world, other than yan han, coach is the only person dat willl understand. but instead he's the biggest culprit who mistook her...
now dat coach isnt around, xueni actually felt abit nt used. she's quite dependen on him. she missed him a little too. but she will nt forgive him. cos how can he mistook her?!! of the whole world, how can he mistook her??!! she's really disappointed...
Recently xueni's sch had organised a softball camp for all members on last sat. The teacher-in-charge are super bias, they don allow the girls to stay overnight. Wat the!!!! i mean, it's camp?!!!! and they gave a stupid reason-very little girls going, so they don want to waste time book a room for them. wat the!!! den wat do they take them for?? xueni knew dat earlier, and was so disappointed to hear dat. but she don care, she was planning to hide herself from the teachers. she was expecting coach to support her, but the coach gave her attitude den she was so angry, so when out of the sch wif han and kai liang without informing anyone. this is one of the few times, xueni's so irresponsible. they went out for 45 mins and returned only after the coach rushed them to be back. when they returned, they saw the teacher standing there watching the team running around the quadrangal shouting, 'we are a team, we must takt care of each other!' seeing them being punished, xueni felt a hard pain on her chest. she felt it. she wasn't blamed. but she felt dat she should be running too, cos her team's running, her family's running, so she ran, as much. mrs khoo tried to stop her, but u know, xueni's famous for her stuborness and prideful character, she didnt really bother. she stopped eventually after knowing mrs khoo wanted to make yan han and kai liang run double. they had a long talk and finally, xueni had decided to quit the team. she's really sad to leave. she told herself nt to cry, and the next day, she fall sick.
she had a high fever. she's so sick dat she cant move at all. despite of this, she kept thinking abt the team and the camp. abt their well beings. she was expecting messages. she's expecting yan han and coach to give her a consoling msg or wat, but none of them did. and the whole day, her phone didnt even ring once. on the next day, she heard dat coach was very angry wif her, he thinks dat xueni is abusing his authority. wat the!!!! is xueni so powerless dat she needs to use others power?? she's nt dat kinda person. and she reply to it heartlessly. so said she don really care, he's nothing to her and dat he cant affect her mood. actually she knows, she's only being stuborn. in her, she's so disappointed. she thought of the whole world, other than yan han, coach is the only person dat willl understand. but instead he's the biggest culprit who mistook her...
now dat coach isnt around, xueni actually felt abit nt used. she's quite dependen on him. she missed him a little too. but she will nt forgive him. cos how can he mistook her?!! of the whole world, how can he mistook her??!! she's really disappointed...
Saturday, February 04, 2006
my NEW blog!!!
yea. super cool! i've longed to creat a blog, but i always don have the time. now dat i'm like so super excited to capture every single moment man! yea. today's great! i'm getting another step closer to my goal. ya. i went to meet up wif kenny today and it's like GREAT!! ytd i was so stressed up by the conversation wif him. but wif much patience, determination & perserverance, i did something to this frenship and he opened up up me. i meet him up to hav lunch together. as usual, he wuld talk to me non-stop abt his gf. usually i'll hav difficulties consoling him as he will nv listen to them. but today's different. me and carol prayed abt it for 5mins and i think it works man!!! i spoke words dat hit him hard, i think? at the end of our conversation he tried to say things to touch me i think? no la, 'm not trying to sae he like me but i just feel weird. ha. he sae "don worry, if u feel dat u need to talk to someone, u can always look for me" and things like dat. i don really remember.
ED will be my classmate for 4yrs. we've been classmate for 2yrs but we only got really close when THAT happened. he's the first one i turned to. b'cos i'm meeting him dat day, so by concidence, i open up to him. he have always been there but i just don notice. at times i really feel dat i'm super slow. he's always ther doing this and that for me, but i don think i've done much for him or try to understand him until today. i've read his blog and was very sad but the same time touched by him. i really feel so guilty for not trying to understand him and sad dat he's unhappy. i'm so touched by his words. he nv stops worrying abt me and will constantly be there. till now, i den realised that i'm like so self-centered. i kept thinking of patching up wif her and nv really spend time wif him for the past few weeks. he said dat he wanted me and her back but at the same time he think dat he'll probably feel lonely if i was to be wif her. he's also wooried if they will treat me well if i'm back. tht's him. the guy who constantly worry abt me. so during the night i msg him. telling him abt how grateful i am. but i don think he understands why it was sent to him. he gave me a cold reply. we haven been talking to each other for days and it's like don noe how many million yrs to me. i think he forget abt me. i start to realise dat i should realli cherish him and our frenship. so, im gonna do something abt it!
carol busy wif her MISSION again. noe is like super late but she's still working dilligently. i worship her man. she nv stops working and is forever busy. she's so hardworking and committed to church. she had jus finished wrapping all the A3 size cards wif plastic bags. she's so funny, laughing at the air bubbles in the plastic bags and is playing wif it. she's my closes church member.but i treat her more than just member, but one of the closes fren too.
now, i'm back to the old self, -emotional. troubling wif the thought that abt whether i can overcome the fears that the incicent had brought me and that if i can lead my life normally. my everyday is all surrounded by all these fears which eventually make me an anti-social person. i anted to change, to be strong , to face and overcome it, but it's tough. i simply just cant get over it and i noe this is wat that's affecting me much. looking at a brighter side, i've realised that i'e overcome much too in some areas. so i tell myself, i'm going to use my past experiences to help those ppl that needed me. now, im reaching out to two person. one of them is kenny, tthe guy that i mentioned earlier. he's my softball coach and i came to noe him only recently when i joined softball as my second cca. after the 1st training i was waiting for edwin to go home together but that edwin was long at home, so i was walking to the 15 bus stop, waiting for the bus. as i was waiting, i saw kenny walking towards me. he approached me and we talked. at dat time i was quite uncomfortable as u noe, i'm normal, i cant talk to strangers, i'll get super nervous and scared. then, we exchanged our numbers. i thought by exchanging numbers, i could stop the conversation, but i as wrong. he's such a gd talker and just simply cant stop. he invited me to have dinner wif him, so i just followed. he was talking non-stop and me? i just kept quiet. i think i'm probably too quiet, cos for noe moment, he just stop talking. but another conversation was brought up again by him after abt 2-3 mins. after the dinner, he sent me home. on our way back, i ask he why he just stop talking just now. he told me that it's b'cos i was too quiet that he had nothing to say. ya. so that's him.
ED will be my classmate for 4yrs. we've been classmate for 2yrs but we only got really close when THAT happened. he's the first one i turned to. b'cos i'm meeting him dat day, so by concidence, i open up to him. he have always been there but i just don notice. at times i really feel dat i'm super slow. he's always ther doing this and that for me, but i don think i've done much for him or try to understand him until today. i've read his blog and was very sad but the same time touched by him. i really feel so guilty for not trying to understand him and sad dat he's unhappy. i'm so touched by his words. he nv stops worrying abt me and will constantly be there. till now, i den realised that i'm like so self-centered. i kept thinking of patching up wif her and nv really spend time wif him for the past few weeks. he said dat he wanted me and her back but at the same time he think dat he'll probably feel lonely if i was to be wif her. he's also wooried if they will treat me well if i'm back. tht's him. the guy who constantly worry abt me. so during the night i msg him. telling him abt how grateful i am. but i don think he understands why it was sent to him. he gave me a cold reply. we haven been talking to each other for days and it's like don noe how many million yrs to me. i think he forget abt me. i start to realise dat i should realli cherish him and our frenship. so, im gonna do something abt it!
carol busy wif her MISSION again. noe is like super late but she's still working dilligently. i worship her man. she nv stops working and is forever busy. she's so hardworking and committed to church. she had jus finished wrapping all the A3 size cards wif plastic bags. she's so funny, laughing at the air bubbles in the plastic bags and is playing wif it. she's my closes church member.but i treat her more than just member, but one of the closes fren too.
now, i'm back to the old self, -emotional. troubling wif the thought that abt whether i can overcome the fears that the incicent had brought me and that if i can lead my life normally. my everyday is all surrounded by all these fears which eventually make me an anti-social person. i anted to change, to be strong , to face and overcome it, but it's tough. i simply just cant get over it and i noe this is wat that's affecting me much. looking at a brighter side, i've realised that i'e overcome much too in some areas. so i tell myself, i'm going to use my past experiences to help those ppl that needed me. now, im reaching out to two person. one of them is kenny, tthe guy that i mentioned earlier. he's my softball coach and i came to noe him only recently when i joined softball as my second cca. after the 1st training i was waiting for edwin to go home together but that edwin was long at home, so i was walking to the 15 bus stop, waiting for the bus. as i was waiting, i saw kenny walking towards me. he approached me and we talked. at dat time i was quite uncomfortable as u noe, i'm normal, i cant talk to strangers, i'll get super nervous and scared. then, we exchanged our numbers. i thought by exchanging numbers, i could stop the conversation, but i as wrong. he's such a gd talker and just simply cant stop. he invited me to have dinner wif him, so i just followed. he was talking non-stop and me? i just kept quiet. i think i'm probably too quiet, cos for noe moment, he just stop talking. but another conversation was brought up again by him after abt 2-3 mins. after the dinner, he sent me home. on our way back, i ask he why he just stop talking just now. he told me that it's b'cos i was too quiet that he had nothing to say. ya. so that's him.
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