people come and go? yea? all she friends did. don know why, had this, "being used" feelings.
for the past few days, everything's alright. i mean, she's often left alone, but she don feel lonely at all, instead kinda satisfied with her life. though there were still little little problems, but they don hinder her at all. yea. maybe she've learnt, to be satisfied and also, because she knows that her heavenly father will be with her wherever she goes. at times, she will rank up the past too and she cant help, but to be a little emotional. she thought to herself that maybe she had trusted the wrong guy. including the person who knows her secrets. she was kinda regret for teling him. she shouldn't have told him. looking at her path of life, she feels that she's really filthy. she carried so much stains with her. it was her wildfulness that stained her and that she probably had to carry them with her for the rest of her life. however, she trusted the lord. the bibble says," if you confess, he is faithful to forgive you and to cleanese you from all the unrightousness." she told herself to have faith and wait. yea. maybe this is the only way that she can console herself to move on. and that's how she become satisfied.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
the 2.4km run
it was kinda terrible. she felt tired after only less than a round. but depite of her tireness, she was determine to finish everything. yea. and she got 5th. though it was quite a good result for a girl, but she's not satisfied as it was not her fullest potential. she was quite sick today, as she hasn't recover from her past sickness and had a very bad running nose. she can hardly breathe after running 1 round. she nose was blocked and her windpipe. it was terrible. and she thought she would faint any moment. nah. but anyway, she will make sure seh break her own records next yr.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
a good start
"yesterday is a history,
tomorrow is a mystery,
and today?
today is a Gift.
that's why we called it the present."
yea. it caught her eye while reading some self-improvement book and she thought it make some sense. thursday's audition was terrible. her disc was in the wrong format, so it was unable to play. so it was quite a blow to her. ha. so she's gonna sing with no music. after singing the first two sentences, she paused. she actually forgotten the lyrics!!! and all the audience there were laughing at her. oh man, how malu can this be? without finshing the song, she ran off. though it didnt turn out good, but she thought that it was a good memory. ha.
ytd after cg, she went fellowship with the other cg. jia hui bought a rubics cube and she was playing with it for the whole afternoon. it was kinda fun. and they all joked and say maybe this $1 thingy can entertain her for the whole month. ha. so stupid.
on her way home, she chatted with zhi yan and then he went to visit her bro. yea. she thought that they could get along quite well.she really wish that zhi yan could visit her bro often as her bro is not very sociable. yea.
tomorrow is a mystery,
and today?
today is a Gift.
that's why we called it the present."
yea. it caught her eye while reading some self-improvement book and she thought it make some sense. thursday's audition was terrible. her disc was in the wrong format, so it was unable to play. so it was quite a blow to her. ha. so she's gonna sing with no music. after singing the first two sentences, she paused. she actually forgotten the lyrics!!! and all the audience there were laughing at her. oh man, how malu can this be? without finshing the song, she ran off. though it didnt turn out good, but she thought that it was a good memory. ha.
ytd after cg, she went fellowship with the other cg. jia hui bought a rubics cube and she was playing with it for the whole afternoon. it was kinda fun. and they all joked and say maybe this $1 thingy can entertain her for the whole month. ha. so stupid.
on her way home, she chatted with zhi yan and then he went to visit her bro. yea. she thought that they could get along quite well.she really wish that zhi yan could visit her bro often as her bro is not very sociable. yea.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
an audition
oh man, the CHC ppl just call her ytd to inform her abt the audition. she has to go for a vocal solo audition, but she has only abt a day of preparation time. she hasn't even choose any songs!!! wat should she do man? she think this is really bad. later in the afternoon she'll be meeting up wif carol and meiyin for help. yea. ishe remember she wanna ask someone to go to watch her, but she just cant remember who... haiya..
just face it
sometimes she really cant face the fact that ppl come and go. she just cant accept that ppl wouldnt treat u as good if they no longer interested in u. many years ago, she had already realised it but maybe she nv really thought of it for very long, so eventually forget all abt it. but now, she start realising it again. many of her friends are like this, and they had left her. yea. and all of their reasons were the same-she's no longer important to them. why is ppl so realistic?
she had just meet up with some of her friends for dinner. she feels that this friend of hers is mentally unstable and he's trying to help others. i mean, how can a person who cant swim help a person who's drowning? so she think that he need to know. she tried to tell him this, indirectly, but he cant understand her, so she just tell him straight. but she thinks that her words were too "impactful" which might have hurt him.
she thinks she must have eaten the wrong things today. she was lecturing yanhan infront of others!! she knows that she had made him so embarrassed and he might not be as close to her after that, but this shall not made her change her thinking cos she only stand out for the truth. and b'cos she cares for him. if he don understand this, then she can assured that he's immature. and also, she really didnt like it.
yea. mature? let talk abit abt it. it's just some title ppl put on you, she thought. actually no one is mature as this word is just used as an opinion from ppl. some may think you are while others are not. as different ppl have different views and opinion. yea. so u don have to put it to hard. no one is mature in this world and the mature ppl others is talking abt are just sensible. able to understand their surroundings well. yup.
oh, kenneth's online now. had kenneth forgive her? she wonders. all these while she really feel so bad abt him. so sorry. she long wanted to say it to him personally and talk things clear, but she didnt have the chance. actually she still miss him and will often think of him. she really hope that he will still miss her.
she's really so empty. she thinks she need some hugs. she miss those hugs which have touched her. she especially miss that man who's the first person who have hugged her. that was when she's in sec1. she was crying and he used his big and gentle hand to held her head, and place it on his broad and comfortable chest then held her warmly. she was crying in his arms. she felt so touched. probably the most touching thing that had ever happen in her life yea. she just miss that.
she had just meet up with some of her friends for dinner. she feels that this friend of hers is mentally unstable and he's trying to help others. i mean, how can a person who cant swim help a person who's drowning? so she think that he need to know. she tried to tell him this, indirectly, but he cant understand her, so she just tell him straight. but she thinks that her words were too "impactful" which might have hurt him.
she thinks she must have eaten the wrong things today. she was lecturing yanhan infront of others!! she knows that she had made him so embarrassed and he might not be as close to her after that, but this shall not made her change her thinking cos she only stand out for the truth. and b'cos she cares for him. if he don understand this, then she can assured that he's immature. and also, she really didnt like it.
yea. mature? let talk abit abt it. it's just some title ppl put on you, she thought. actually no one is mature as this word is just used as an opinion from ppl. some may think you are while others are not. as different ppl have different views and opinion. yea. so u don have to put it to hard. no one is mature in this world and the mature ppl others is talking abt are just sensible. able to understand their surroundings well. yup.
oh, kenneth's online now. had kenneth forgive her? she wonders. all these while she really feel so bad abt him. so sorry. she long wanted to say it to him personally and talk things clear, but she didnt have the chance. actually she still miss him and will often think of him. she really hope that he will still miss her.
she's really so empty. she thinks she need some hugs. she miss those hugs which have touched her. she especially miss that man who's the first person who have hugged her. that was when she's in sec1. she was crying and he used his big and gentle hand to held her head, and place it on his broad and comfortable chest then held her warmly. she was crying in his arms. she felt so touched. probably the most touching thing that had ever happen in her life yea. she just miss that.
Monday, April 17, 2006
kinda sad
nah.. just finish after some sports rite now. it's been weeks since she last excercise and now, she feel abit of life again. sports is her life and that time she just runaway from it. because she don noe who is she is. and was very disappointed with herself. basically, she's just someone who runaway from the things which make her disappointed. she's kinda coward.
easter's really great, she thought. it really brought her closer to god and the rest. and guess wat, many was saved that day and one of them is her friend. she feels so guilty for being so irresiponsible as she never went to fetch that friend personally. though this is so, but god is a good god, he answered her prayers as she had been praying abt salvation. god really loves ppl, he must have been overjoyed to see many getting save. she feels happy too as some scenes flashes through her mind. it is abt the scene when her friend, samuel told her that when a person was saved, it's just like a new bulb being lighted up. so, if everyone get save, this world wouldnt have darkness and that day, god will return. yea. she remembered it so clearly. it really impact her. cos last time she really don understand why carol always working so hard, reaching out and that time she even ever mistook her. maybe many don understand why she's so close to samuel, and even ask her to stop seeing samuel at that time. but she knows, they just don understand. he really teach her many stuffs and most of all, make her really love god. yea. during the svc, she's really excited. she was dancing, singing and jumping. yea. the friend beside her did the same thing. she's none other than carol. haha. while watching the drama, tears just rolled down her eyes. she felt the pain. jesus' pain when he was crucified and that scene was so real. as if she was there to witness it.
yan han went too, but he never manage to watch the drama as they werent allow to get in. the svc was too packed. maybe it's not his time yet. but it's sure not a waste trip. they talk for hours just like in the past. yea. she told him everything. every single guilts and regrets. and all she wrong doings. it really remind her of many ppl, and some she really miss... and one of them is lun. so, she tried to called lun, but no one answered. yea. maybe it's fate. and after her svc, she remembered that she wanted to talk to lun, but by then, she didnt have the courage. lun is the other that she had hurt so deeply. they didnt contact for almost 2yrs. maybe to him, she's just some irresponsible girl who just come and go without a word, who forgets all abt him when she went secondary school and only will look for him when she was hurt by someone who she really care. yea. she treated him like a dirt and that time, she didnt even notice it. but when she grew older and sensible, she really regreted it. regret for not cherishing him. but everything seems too late right now. so she don even bother to give him a call.
easter's really great, she thought. it really brought her closer to god and the rest. and guess wat, many was saved that day and one of them is her friend. she feels so guilty for being so irresiponsible as she never went to fetch that friend personally. though this is so, but god is a good god, he answered her prayers as she had been praying abt salvation. god really loves ppl, he must have been overjoyed to see many getting save. she feels happy too as some scenes flashes through her mind. it is abt the scene when her friend, samuel told her that when a person was saved, it's just like a new bulb being lighted up. so, if everyone get save, this world wouldnt have darkness and that day, god will return. yea. she remembered it so clearly. it really impact her. cos last time she really don understand why carol always working so hard, reaching out and that time she even ever mistook her. maybe many don understand why she's so close to samuel, and even ask her to stop seeing samuel at that time. but she knows, they just don understand. he really teach her many stuffs and most of all, make her really love god. yea. during the svc, she's really excited. she was dancing, singing and jumping. yea. the friend beside her did the same thing. she's none other than carol. haha. while watching the drama, tears just rolled down her eyes. she felt the pain. jesus' pain when he was crucified and that scene was so real. as if she was there to witness it.
yan han went too, but he never manage to watch the drama as they werent allow to get in. the svc was too packed. maybe it's not his time yet. but it's sure not a waste trip. they talk for hours just like in the past. yea. she told him everything. every single guilts and regrets. and all she wrong doings. it really remind her of many ppl, and some she really miss... and one of them is lun. so, she tried to called lun, but no one answered. yea. maybe it's fate. and after her svc, she remembered that she wanted to talk to lun, but by then, she didnt have the courage. lun is the other that she had hurt so deeply. they didnt contact for almost 2yrs. maybe to him, she's just some irresponsible girl who just come and go without a word, who forgets all abt him when she went secondary school and only will look for him when she was hurt by someone who she really care. yea. she treated him like a dirt and that time, she didnt even notice it. but when she grew older and sensible, she really regreted it. regret for not cherishing him. but everything seems too late right now. so she don even bother to give him a call.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
some life thing
was kinda cork up with life lately... she was so stress for the past few weeks. yea. this is the reason to her slow recovery. for the past few days, she kept thinking abt some deep stuffs which seem kinda boring and crappy to everyone. she was searching for herself, and in the end, she was stuck in it. she kept asking herself, why isnt she feeling excited with stuffs? she became kinda numb.
she was cork up with wat she really wants. guess dat many in this world werent sure of it too. it's the lack of happiness. everyone was fighting so hard in life just to succeed. to succeed in things that will make them happy. yea. but happy not equals to hapiness. happy is just for that moment. it make ppl feel satisfied, but at the same time it blind them and make them insensitive too... it is quite similar to happiness, but yet very different. happiness have to do with love. the powerful weapon. yea. because love is involved, it make happiness real. yea. this sound so boring huh? but yea, it's very important to her. these made her grow up.
and in the process of searching, she had realised something. dat period, dat softball period was just happy. it isnt wat she's searching for. it didnt reach happiness, not even somewhere near. and happy doesnt last. it didnt involve love so it's nt wat she wants. her friend told her this,"to fear love is to fear life" yea. kinda impactful. she fears to love. and this is the prb.
she realised that all her friends around seem so surface. a call or a gift is love? they all think this way. this is so shallow. no, man. she still care and she have a reason for everything. she's not trying to push all the blames on others, but yea, she had reasons and ppl just don understand. as how many will really spend time with her, sit down and listen to her? they said that will be there for her and stuffs like dat, but how many really mean it or will meet it? and most of the time they didnt really mean it. they said it out of sympathy. just wanna encourage her. how many will really understand how crazy she can be if she really loves? and she expects dat kinda crazy friend. belle is the friend dat she really needed. nah, others out there, she still loves u, but she was just looking for a soulmate. ha.
she thinks carol is very special to her. she thinks they start to have some bond and she really cherish her. (wonder how she will feel after knowing it?) maybe she isnt the one xueni's looking for, but she place an important part in xueni's heart. maybe they share something common, it's dat they had a heart for god and ppl. they really love ppl. yea.
she was cork up with wat she really wants. guess dat many in this world werent sure of it too. it's the lack of happiness. everyone was fighting so hard in life just to succeed. to succeed in things that will make them happy. yea. but happy not equals to hapiness. happy is just for that moment. it make ppl feel satisfied, but at the same time it blind them and make them insensitive too... it is quite similar to happiness, but yet very different. happiness have to do with love. the powerful weapon. yea. because love is involved, it make happiness real. yea. this sound so boring huh? but yea, it's very important to her. these made her grow up.
and in the process of searching, she had realised something. dat period, dat softball period was just happy. it isnt wat she's searching for. it didnt reach happiness, not even somewhere near. and happy doesnt last. it didnt involve love so it's nt wat she wants. her friend told her this,"to fear love is to fear life" yea. kinda impactful. she fears to love. and this is the prb.
she realised that all her friends around seem so surface. a call or a gift is love? they all think this way. this is so shallow. no, man. she still care and she have a reason for everything. she's not trying to push all the blames on others, but yea, she had reasons and ppl just don understand. as how many will really spend time with her, sit down and listen to her? they said that will be there for her and stuffs like dat, but how many really mean it or will meet it? and most of the time they didnt really mean it. they said it out of sympathy. just wanna encourage her. how many will really understand how crazy she can be if she really loves? and she expects dat kinda crazy friend. belle is the friend dat she really needed. nah, others out there, she still loves u, but she was just looking for a soulmate. ha.
she thinks carol is very special to her. she thinks they start to have some bond and she really cherish her. (wonder how she will feel after knowing it?) maybe she isnt the one xueni's looking for, but she place an important part in xueni's heart. maybe they share something common, it's dat they had a heart for god and ppl. they really love ppl. yea.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
her unreaveled truths
oh man, wat a sad thing to know dat, dat guy whom xueni just got to noe wasnt in her cg. he gave an excuse like he wasnt very comfortable in the cg. after knowing it, she felt a little down but she's still so determine to serve god fervently and continue fellowshiping wif the other members. she wrote him a letter ytd thinking dat it might be the potion to the growth of their friendship or stuffs like dat, but in the end, it became the end of the friendship... she doesnt wanna end it this way, so 10 mins ago, she called him which turned out to be a disappointing one. i mean, she wants to cherish him, and she thought that he wants to cherish her too as he said something like, "i wanna make xueni my lifelong friend". she was so touched upon knowing it and was so determine dat she will a make super duper gd lifelong friend to him, but it just turned out this way. this is so disappointing man! he actually didnt mean wat he said. and do u noe wat, she really hopes to see him again and that's the reason why she was so nasty to him the other time. she wish to see him again. she was just being unreasonable to herself. she was just acting tough. and guess wat, he might not noe the truth forever man...
she missed coach. she's still keeping her promise but she thinks dat he had long forgotten abt it. she msg him ytd. she just wanna noe his well beings, but he wasnt very friendly. so, as u noe xueni's character, she replied something wasnt very nice and he just stopped replying after dat msg. she didnt mean it. really. but he was really too nasty to her dat she thinks dat he should be thaught a lesson for not treating xueni well. haha.
she wonders how's ed. they haven been talking for weeks. she have read his blog and disagrees to it man!! it's not dat! it's not wat he thinks man!! he just don understand. many times, it's not dat xueni has new friends and forgets all abt him. no!! it's not dat. she still remembers him. the guy who nv stops worrying abt her and will always be there for her. she wants to be with him too, but just somehow she felt dat ed's rejecting her, and she's not dat thick-skinned. she always feels dat they are frm different worlds and shouldnt be together. nv in her imginations. she felt pressured whenever she's with him, so to aviod dat awkwardness, she will talk non-stop. she just nv tell him her prob as she thought it wasnt a very nice thing to say. she thought he understands that it's not dat she doesnt wanna spend more time wif him or not around when he needs her, it's dat she don know wat to do. how to face him. how to console him and stuffs like dat. she's feeling the same way with yanhan and aisah too. she just don noe wat to do with them. and b'cos of this prob she had wif them, it was like destroying their friendship. but things starting to turned gd, she thought. she had told aisah of her prob and she so glad dat aisah understands. she still loves aisah. aisah, I LOVE U!! haha.
nxt wk is the easter wk and she was told to bring a new friend. immediately, yanhan's name flashes through her mind. he's the no.1 choice. ha. she's working on their fadding friendship rite now. she doesnt wanna end the friendship just like dat man. he's such a nice guy that she doesnt wanna miss him. ha. so she will try her best and whenever she could, she will spend time with him. and that's her method of cherishing him. yea.
she missed coach. she's still keeping her promise but she thinks dat he had long forgotten abt it. she msg him ytd. she just wanna noe his well beings, but he wasnt very friendly. so, as u noe xueni's character, she replied something wasnt very nice and he just stopped replying after dat msg. she didnt mean it. really. but he was really too nasty to her dat she thinks dat he should be thaught a lesson for not treating xueni well. haha.
she wonders how's ed. they haven been talking for weeks. she have read his blog and disagrees to it man!! it's not dat! it's not wat he thinks man!! he just don understand. many times, it's not dat xueni has new friends and forgets all abt him. no!! it's not dat. she still remembers him. the guy who nv stops worrying abt her and will always be there for her. she wants to be with him too, but just somehow she felt dat ed's rejecting her, and she's not dat thick-skinned. she always feels dat they are frm different worlds and shouldnt be together. nv in her imginations. she felt pressured whenever she's with him, so to aviod dat awkwardness, she will talk non-stop. she just nv tell him her prob as she thought it wasnt a very nice thing to say. she thought he understands that it's not dat she doesnt wanna spend more time wif him or not around when he needs her, it's dat she don know wat to do. how to face him. how to console him and stuffs like dat. she's feeling the same way with yanhan and aisah too. she just don noe wat to do with them. and b'cos of this prob she had wif them, it was like destroying their friendship. but things starting to turned gd, she thought. she had told aisah of her prob and she so glad dat aisah understands. she still loves aisah. aisah, I LOVE U!! haha.
nxt wk is the easter wk and she was told to bring a new friend. immediately, yanhan's name flashes through her mind. he's the no.1 choice. ha. she's working on their fadding friendship rite now. she doesnt wanna end the friendship just like dat man. he's such a nice guy that she doesnt wanna miss him. ha. so she will try her best and whenever she could, she will spend time with him. and that's her method of cherishing him. yea.
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