some life thing

was kinda cork up with life lately... she was so stress for the past few weeks. yea. this is the reason to her slow recovery. for the past few days, she kept thinking abt some deep stuffs which seem kinda boring and crappy to everyone. she was searching for herself, and in the end, she was stuck in it. she kept asking herself, why isnt she feeling excited with stuffs? she became kinda numb.

she was cork up with wat she really wants. guess dat many in this world werent sure of it too. it's the lack of happiness. everyone was fighting so hard in life just to succeed. to succeed in things that will make them happy. yea. but happy not equals to hapiness. happy is just for that moment. it make ppl feel satisfied, but at the same time it blind them and make them insensitive too... it is quite similar to happiness, but yet very different. happiness have to do with love. the powerful weapon. yea. because love is involved, it make happiness real. yea. this sound so boring huh? but yea, it's very important to her. these made her grow up.

and in the process of searching, she had realised something. dat period, dat softball period was just happy. it isnt wat she's searching for. it didnt reach happiness, not even somewhere near. and happy doesnt last. it didnt involve love so it's nt wat she wants. her friend told her this,"to fear love is to fear life" yea. kinda impactful. she fears to love. and this is the prb.

she realised that all her friends around seem so surface. a call or a gift is love? they all think this way. this is so shallow. no, man. she still care and she have a reason for everything. she's not trying to push all the blames on others, but yea, she had reasons and ppl just don understand. as how many will really spend time with her, sit down and listen to her? they said that will be there for her and stuffs like dat, but how many really mean it or will meet it? and most of the time they didnt really mean it. they said it out of sympathy. just wanna encourage her. how many will really understand how crazy she can be if she really loves? and she expects dat kinda crazy friend. belle is the friend dat she really needed. nah, others out there, she still loves u, but she was just looking for a soulmate. ha.

she thinks carol is very special to her. she thinks they start to have some bond and she really cherish her. (wonder how she will feel after knowing it?) maybe she isnt the one xueni's looking for, but she place an important part in xueni's heart. maybe they share something common, it's dat they had a heart for god and ppl. they really love ppl. yea.