Unexpected-all the sorrows

somehow, she thinks she've just realised that the lock in her heart is bigger and heavier than she had expected. it have been opressing her, making her out of breathe for all these while.

yesterday she went to church again, after about a month of absence. this time round, it's bro MJ who persuaded her to go. in the beginning she thought it's just some other pastor coming to give a powerful serman. but as she went there, there's also deliverence!! ( you will know what i'm talking about if you're a christian.) it's some kind of casting out the demon's in you. depending on what demons there's in you.yea. so she just realised then that Bro MJ had planned it all long ago. she's not angry with him, in fact really grateful for his good motives eventhough she wasn't that regular in church.

so, no choice, after service, she went for the ministry. the first delivernce it's for people who have family curse-idolism, generation curse, like people in your family for generation they divorce and stuffs like that. hence, she cant escape from it. she went down. the first time, this sister prayed for her, but nothing happened. then carol still don give up. she brought her to the front to let more powerful people to be prayed for. this time round, a "more powerful" sister prayed for her. actually she thinks she had felt something. tears started accumulate in her eyes. but she don know why, she just laugh. she just thinks it's so funny and foolish. like, she don think it's her. i mean, she don think it's from her. she thought to herself,"this demon in her is a really powerful one." then they just went aside to allow others to be prayed for.

the second one was about sexuality. like, people who are sexualy abused, masturbation, pornography, have lust in them and stuffs like that. this is the main purpose for Bro MJ to plan all these, therefore, she HAVE TO go down. in the beginning was just worshipping. but she really felt a power undecribable thing in her, so she just prayed. she prayed and prayed, soon the worship ends and people start the deliverence. everyone around her was being prayed for, somehow, no one seem to notice her presence. but she cant escape from carol's eyes. carol kept yelling to ask those powerful people to pray for her. yea. indeed, this old cauasian lady came and prayed for her while she's struggling to escape. ha. the lady held her head and she cant remembered how many people actually held her (really hard) and she pray. she just cried. she cried and struggled and cried and struggled. at that moment, she really feels like killing that "bitch"(that's what she thought about the old lady at that moment) and everybody around her, including carol. many started noticing her, hence many just sratch their hands towards her direction and prayed for her. no use. she just cant let it go. it's not that she didnt even try. she had tried, but the pastor say, just forgive them. but the fact is that she cant. to be really frank. she was abuse NOT ONLY ONCE. it's just that the others had done to her were not that bad. as in, she's still strong enough to oppress those guilts, regrets, hatred and all sorts feelings and "move on". but that guy, is a N.O!! cant. she cant. it's really too much. she just don want!! people, please don be so cruel to her. cant you just allow her to hate him for ruin her life? don know why, that few minutes of deliverence seems like years? many hurts, hatreds, guilts, regrets was brought back onto her tiny brain. she's almost out of breathe!! finally, she managed to "escape". she struggled and ran off.

she ran towards her bag, wanting to leave. but carol caught her. so they just ran around the church. lol. then carol called Bro MJ to tell him about it. Bro MJ just ask her to decide again. yea. so this is when all things started becoming so clear to her. about what she actually felt about herself, about everyone, the incident, including that jerk. she just cant let it go like that. she don want!

then carol accompanied her back to their seats. carol just hugged her and cried. yea. so both of them ended up crying (like mad. lol)

carol (still crying): "xueni, i'm not going to let the devil to have control over your life. i'm going to pray and fast everyday. don you want to be happy? i want you to be happy. just let it go."

xueni: silent. (just dazing, acting as if she heard nothing, trying to control her tears)

carol: "let it go then you can be happy." (still crying)

xueni: (thought to herself-yea. i don want to be happy.)

(after awhile)

xueni: (talking while crying) "i'm very comfortable with what i am now. i don want to change."

carol: "but you're not happy!" (still crying)

xueni: (silent)

at this very moment. she just realised that she's just too used to being "numb" that she isn't very ready for happiness. can you understand what she's trying to say? like, this "happiness" seem so far and unreachable for her. just like how you feel towards a stranger-unsecured. and anyway, what have done cannot be undone. so what if they managed to cast out that demon? she's still stained. no longer good enough. she's just no longer the same! just forget about that bubbly girl, people! she's no longer the same, she cant be it anymore.

though things didnt really turn out good, but at least she's glad that she still have a friend who will actually laugh with her, cry with her. while the others, where are you when she needed you most? what guardian angel?

then she still went off to work. yea. at first she seem really listless, but after awhile, she got a hang to it. she just control and smile. but still, she's really listless. she burnt her hand alot more times than usual. that night was another sleepless night for her. she just kept thinking of it.

Hypocrites!!

wat should she say? how can she actually help them? how stupid can she be? she's just a fool. idiot!

on thursday, her class was up to some "riot". their english teacher was hospitalised so there's this relieve teacher. that teacher kinda unreasonable and arrogant. there's some miscommunication between and blah blah blah. actually it's none of her problem, but as you know, in the end, she still cant stand it, she went and help.

she went to the office and told the HOD teacher, Rahmah. though Rahmah didnt mean it (she thinks) but she's affected.

Rahmah: "are you telling tales?"

"no. the whole class think so."

Rahmah: "you wait for me outside."

(then after a few minutes)

Rahmah: "it's all of you?! do you know the seven of you are those who always give me problems?!"

seven: "no lor! now it's the whole class think so!"

then as you know, no one actually believes them and she broke into a conflict with Rahmah.

Rahmah: "i think all of you owes her an apology."

" i don think so!"

Rahmah: "do you see that, you all just leave like that. it's already not right."

"i know we're wrong, but if we must apologise, i think she should too. she partially at fault."

Rahmah: "did i say you are at fault?! did i say you apologise for what you have done?! it's just a courtesy!"

" i don know lah. i just think she should apologise to us too"

yea. then, another teacher came along, Yee. this goes for an hour or so. they didnt apologise.

that day, she went home and think through it. she felt that, "yea. the rest didn't follow us. maybe they really want to study. i cannot be too self-fish to cause them to have no teacher."

the next day, she went to Rahmah.

"i think i want to apologise on to ms zaidah personall."

Rahmah: "i don know where is she. you should tell mdm rogayah."

(she went to look for rogayah)
Rogayah: " i think she's very hurt. maybe you can buy roses for her AS A CLASS."

"but they surely don want."

Rogayah: "i know you can persuade them, xueni."

"huh. but......"
(the bell goes)

she told peter about it.

peter: " but they surely don want"

"no chioce. i think i lead to that. try lor"

so they told the class about it. they just jeer a little. she thought, they will co-operate tomorrow. that afternoon she went off to work. she called everybody to ask if anyone can help her buy those materials as she'll be working till really late. CH went and help. like even an outsider was willing to help. so she didnt sleep and complete the card.

the next day, she ask them to sign. most from the seven signed. but some other girls,

girls: "don want lah. sign also no use. it's also not form our heart. we'll make her angry again want what!"

Zahrah: "yah lah. xueni, you're being too forceful! they don want then don force them lah."

"but that day you all don dare to say. then now dare to say you not happy.!"
(she felt really bad. maybe they're right. so actually she wanted to stop this and tell Rogayah.)

(end of the english period)
Rogayah: "what do you all have for miss zaidah?"

(xueni stood up, actually she wants to tell her about what the class felt.)

Rogayah: "yes, xueni?"

(telling the whole class)
Rogayah: "i think xueni really have the moral courage to actually come to me. "


(should i tell her? but... like, will i get things worse?)

in the end, peter went and gave zaidah.

Rogayah: " what you all should say to ms zaidah?"

the class: "sorry"

wat the. she thought they very unwilling? now she knows. they don want to get themselves into trouble, den they ask her to do all the job. she just wants to save the class but they just showed her their attitude. how can they ever do that to her? wa. she hates them. self-fish freaks! this time she told herself,

" i don care, i'll try my best to leave man! next time l won't help them. never! i want to transfer!"

a gift

nah, this is a dull day. she didnt do anything and never go to work. she'll be going to see doctor later. oh, she'd missed the chance to see him today. that monkey. hey, she could only see time once a week during work and she remember, last monday, is a happy day for her, as she kept remembering his stupid look. she just cant stop smiling to herself each time she thinks of him. though she often say things like she really hate him man cause he always bullies her, but somehow, she knows he's special person to her. a person who starts activating her heart. please god, don take this away, don take this excitement away, don take him away. never!

Racial Harmony

BNSS class 3C



this indeed is a special day for her. firstly, she thinks this made her and her classmates closer and most importantly, with astria. she miss her. though she didnt really say, but she really miss her. she's her first friend in this school. she thinks she'd change. she's more confident now. and yup, she thinks she really make a not bad vice-chairman.she's really happy for her.

she like this man. like, they are so united. even jerome lee had worked hard for it. and yup, the best part is that, their efforts didnt pay off, they won the best class decoration in their level. yea. she really enjoyed herself. for the past two days, she thinks she felt happy. i don know. like, actually she weren't sure of what is the feel of being happy as she hadnt felt it for years, but she can feel clearly that it's special. she felt so excited. and what she's really happy about is that, she finally felt something after freezing her heart for so long.

yesterday, she's happy. i think is it because that she talk to ed?they didnt plan to patch up till they have prepared their hearts. they wanted to give each other more time. though on surface, they didnt seem to patch up, but inside, she knows very clearly that things between them had changed. they're no longer the same. her heart seems lighter. she thinks that yup, finally, someone had at least found the map to the key which can open up the big lock in her heart. he's the one who had walked with her, be by her side through the darkest days of her life. and, she didnt intend to tell him that time. perhaps it's all fated. if this is true, she really thank god. thank him for sending an angel for her, her guardian angel. she cherish this angel, this friendship, she cherish what he've done. she cherish him.

running away.

yea. now, after a conversation with ed, she realised that she had been running away from many people. that includes, belle, lun, telepathy guy, M4, kenneth, ed, her past, softball, kenny, han, church, carol, many many.

she didnt even bother to blog about them each time she thinks about anyone of them. maybe this is the way to start afresh? at least for her. she don't know. anyway, there's no point if she blog it or not. people just don't bother too. in fact, if she doesnt talk about those, she appears more positive. ya. (though many still think it's so so so negative) so can you imagine if she blogs them? haha. she's just trying to be MORE positive(in her own ways).

many times, she wants someone. a person who will be there whom she can trust, whom she can love. i mean, she loves her family, friends and everyone, but you know, it's the other kind she's talking about now, a guy(or belle only). she just needs a hug from him. but she kept oppressing her feelings as she knows really well, it's not time yet. just wait. so she waited, not to think about it. not even a second. but just, she felt it again. she's not trying to look for anyone now as she knows it will be over tomorrow when she wake up. also, she's stained. i mean, she didnt have a good past, not fit to be with anyone. she's not good enough for others. yea. so better don drag them down.

those people that she had mentioned above, if you're reading, please love her? nah. i mean, just keep this way now, forget all about her. she's just not good enough anymore.

her work place

she's back from work! lol. she starts to love her job, but at the same time, this is her first time she have the urge to quit as it is really stressful and tiring for her. she could hardly rotate her ankles each time after work+yesterday and today, she was really busy. the seniors there kept asking her to do everything. and even her bro made a comment,"i think you're the busiest here." yea. the two sblings work at the same place.

actually a week before school reopens, she wanted to quit. but she's really worried that about her bro, hence she decided to stay and lookout. now, she's really sure that her bro will be fine there, because their manager assured that to her.

yesterday was crazy! there is a middle-age, "going old" lady who works at night about 9pm. but each day, she will reach the workplace at 5pm?(she kinda dotty) most of the crews dislike her, expect for 3 person, two manager, Dorothy, Khairul and of cause, xueni. around evening time, that old woman started her nonsense. xueni was really corked up with the kitchen work as she's kinda new there(still unfamilar) and Khairul made her do all the work (including he's). at this time, she already a little unhappy with that man and then that old freak started pointing at her face scolding her.

that old waman- "Khairul my boyfriend arh."
(Khairul's only 20+)

she never bother about her cause that's THEIR problem, then there she goes again,

" Khairul say you pretty. Khirul like you."
(xueni thinking, hey, thanks. lol")

but the following line was,

" i don't like you arh, you smile smile smile to him, see lah, now khairul like you. you snatch my boyfriend. smile smile smile."
(this goes on and on for a long time)

then she really cant stand it she scolded loudly,

" ok lah. shut up!!"

yea. she stopped. and everyone was looking at her. they never expect her to do that as she is really a big joking there, and probably a jinx to everyone(only those of her age boys) . she would purposely embarasse and harrasse them. ha. (that have become her habit during work) . hence, of cause, they can't possibly stupidily allow her nonsense. everyone kept purposely bully her too. but they weren't her match, cause, hey, she's a real bitch! lol. they call her a name which she kinda dislike-xiao mei(small girl). despite that,she knows very well that they actually dotes on her and expect to see her every time.

there's a boy who is really her jinx. among all the boy, she like him best. he's 'monkey'( she calls him that-ah ming). she can never bully him. even if she manage to irritate him, she would definite have her 'retribution' the next minute.(that's the reason he's more 'outstanding') yea. there's just countless of words to say about them though she only saw him less than 10time throughout this 1month+. and part of the reason for her to like her job is him and of cause, the rest of the unlucky ones. ha :p

Sleepy days

Can you beleve it, she cried in class?!!! during the last period of a.maths, she just burst out while doing her work. tears just rolled down her sleepy eyes. at first she thought that perhaps it's that she strained her eyes too much, but at the same moment when her a.math teacher called for her, tears started rolling down her eyes. it's not about that woman, she just feels like crying. she just feel really really sad. there's no reason to it. perhaps is that she's tired of life, for a moment, she thought it was her telepathy with him, that he is sad. but i thought they no longer share this for quite a while? but she strongly disagree with what that woman said about her study attitude. hey, she have been working really hard to get her 5 A1s and L1R5-max*8pts. she really wished that she could transfer next year to start things afresh. for the past few days, she will go home as early as possible to practice on her weakest subject-a.math, and the result is that she can do quite a few questions which seem kinda tough for her on the chapter-surds and indices, and she will be working on logarithms, perhap, next week? these must be one of the reasons that make her so sleepy these days. she could hardly sleep for 3hours daily. moreover, she will definite wake up between this 3hrs and could no longer sleep, because she's really worried that she might forget what she've been working on the next day as she have been really forgetful these days. so, how can that woman still doubt her? perhaps she was judging her by her results. but xueni is fine with her. she still love that woman.

she had much commitment than anyone else. she's still working long hours. she already has lesser time than anyone else, and now she's working? yea. she cant say that she's not working for the sake of money, but the main reason out there is that she's working in order to study better and also help out in her family's financial area. yea. so people, please don expect her to commit on more stuffs and please give her lesser work. she had even give up on her church, but, one very important thing is that, she still love god.

put on spot

ytd she went back to her grandma's place. supposely, everything's under her control until her dad, Simon came. he's such an ass man! big fat liar. the adults that she had stayed with was there too. thanks to Simon's BIG mouth, the adults knew about her sis, Margaret's marriage. those the couple were planning too register at the ROM on august which had been discussed with the female's dad earlier on. and he too, have agreed to it. though this is so, that cunning dad had been trying all means to stop them secretly. he told those relatives to stop them and even his church members and pastors. in fact he had probably told everyone that knew him and his daugter to stop this marriage. wat the! how unreliable can this father be man?!! how can he even tell those strangers? to her sis, those church members of Simon are just some strangers, and how do he think they have the right to tell her wat to do, in fact, stop this mariage? Margaret like her, is a stubborn freak. but the only difference is that she's more reasonable than Margaret and there's still one only person who can change her mind or stop her from doing anything, is probably Margaret!! lol. and yup, so the adults stand are, as you know, they definitely opposed it. then, you know too, whenever she's there and regrading her siblings, she will be dragged down too. they asked her to contact Margaret, but she on Margaret's side, so she ask Mar about it and it's up to her if she wants to answer the call. so the adults called million times, but none of the calls were answered. hence, definitely, they changed target to HER! they were like, trying to 'brainwash' her, but the fact is that, ya, she's listening and she understands too, but she's not the one getting married!! after about an hour of it, they decide to ask her to contact Mar. and unfortunately, her uncle had snatched away the phone while she's about to warn Mar. yea. they had a great talk and Mar was made cried. nah. he didnt scold her, they just want to have a look at her boyfriend. but Mar is just too protective about him. finally, she had agreed to go, but this time, her boyfriend furred up. he don want. he just don want to see them. he hated her dad. how can Simon do this when he had already agreed to their marriage? why did Simon try all means to stop them? why is he creating so much trouble? yea. that's right. her boyfriend was just angry with Simon. and ya, the siblings too. nah. Simon is a really undecisive father who will just listen to others, especially those ass people. she's not trying to say the adults don have the right, but she's referring to those church members and Simon's bros. then of cause, the couple had a fight. so when she called Mar, yea as you know, she's always the one, she scolded like mad and Mar was crying and screaming at the same time. at this time, she had to comfort and clam both side down. oh man, this is tough man.

when everything seems fine now, the uncle that she had stayed with for 7years, James starts some nusensical stuffs. it's about her dotty aunt. her kept playing with the water and drinking too much water than her body could take. she look really bloaded. like round? those are not fats, but water. and the water bill is 400+? oh man!! why so much trouble. James was too stressed up and said something like, he will kill that aunt sooner or later. he can even give up his wife, now he had nothing to lose. when he said that, deep in his heart, she knows he's aching. she felt really guilty. the three siblings were the cause of their divorce. at this time, she was made speechless by her guilts. there's no way that she can comfort him, cause she cant even comfort herself right now. though she's feeling really lousy, but she still had to control her emotions and comfort her aunt, telling her not to do it again.

yea. that uncle. she will sense those guilts whenever she sees him. he had done so much for them, but she really disappoint him for wat had happened. wat James don wish to be repeated from her parents' history, she did it without even been reminded of him. she regretted. really. sorry uncle!!