Unexpected-all the sorrows

somehow, she thinks she've just realised that the lock in her heart is bigger and heavier than she had expected. it have been opressing her, making her out of breathe for all these while.

yesterday she went to church again, after about a month of absence. this time round, it's bro MJ who persuaded her to go. in the beginning she thought it's just some other pastor coming to give a powerful serman. but as she went there, there's also deliverence!! ( you will know what i'm talking about if you're a christian.) it's some kind of casting out the demon's in you. depending on what demons there's in you.yea. so she just realised then that Bro MJ had planned it all long ago. she's not angry with him, in fact really grateful for his good motives eventhough she wasn't that regular in church.

so, no choice, after service, she went for the ministry. the first delivernce it's for people who have family curse-idolism, generation curse, like people in your family for generation they divorce and stuffs like that. hence, she cant escape from it. she went down. the first time, this sister prayed for her, but nothing happened. then carol still don give up. she brought her to the front to let more powerful people to be prayed for. this time round, a "more powerful" sister prayed for her. actually she thinks she had felt something. tears started accumulate in her eyes. but she don know why, she just laugh. she just thinks it's so funny and foolish. like, she don think it's her. i mean, she don think it's from her. she thought to herself,"this demon in her is a really powerful one." then they just went aside to allow others to be prayed for.

the second one was about sexuality. like, people who are sexualy abused, masturbation, pornography, have lust in them and stuffs like that. this is the main purpose for Bro MJ to plan all these, therefore, she HAVE TO go down. in the beginning was just worshipping. but she really felt a power undecribable thing in her, so she just prayed. she prayed and prayed, soon the worship ends and people start the deliverence. everyone around her was being prayed for, somehow, no one seem to notice her presence. but she cant escape from carol's eyes. carol kept yelling to ask those powerful people to pray for her. yea. indeed, this old cauasian lady came and prayed for her while she's struggling to escape. ha. the lady held her head and she cant remembered how many people actually held her (really hard) and she pray. she just cried. she cried and struggled and cried and struggled. at that moment, she really feels like killing that "bitch"(that's what she thought about the old lady at that moment) and everybody around her, including carol. many started noticing her, hence many just sratch their hands towards her direction and prayed for her. no use. she just cant let it go. it's not that she didnt even try. she had tried, but the pastor say, just forgive them. but the fact is that she cant. to be really frank. she was abuse NOT ONLY ONCE. it's just that the others had done to her were not that bad. as in, she's still strong enough to oppress those guilts, regrets, hatred and all sorts feelings and "move on". but that guy, is a N.O!! cant. she cant. it's really too much. she just don want!! people, please don be so cruel to her. cant you just allow her to hate him for ruin her life? don know why, that few minutes of deliverence seems like years? many hurts, hatreds, guilts, regrets was brought back onto her tiny brain. she's almost out of breathe!! finally, she managed to "escape". she struggled and ran off.

she ran towards her bag, wanting to leave. but carol caught her. so they just ran around the church. lol. then carol called Bro MJ to tell him about it. Bro MJ just ask her to decide again. yea. so this is when all things started becoming so clear to her. about what she actually felt about herself, about everyone, the incident, including that jerk. she just cant let it go like that. she don want!

then carol accompanied her back to their seats. carol just hugged her and cried. yea. so both of them ended up crying (like mad. lol)

carol (still crying): "xueni, i'm not going to let the devil to have control over your life. i'm going to pray and fast everyday. don you want to be happy? i want you to be happy. just let it go."

xueni: silent. (just dazing, acting as if she heard nothing, trying to control her tears)

carol: "let it go then you can be happy." (still crying)

xueni: (thought to herself-yea. i don want to be happy.)

(after awhile)

xueni: (talking while crying) "i'm very comfortable with what i am now. i don want to change."

carol: "but you're not happy!" (still crying)

xueni: (silent)

at this very moment. she just realised that she's just too used to being "numb" that she isn't very ready for happiness. can you understand what she's trying to say? like, this "happiness" seem so far and unreachable for her. just like how you feel towards a stranger-unsecured. and anyway, what have done cannot be undone. so what if they managed to cast out that demon? she's still stained. no longer good enough. she's just no longer the same! just forget about that bubbly girl, people! she's no longer the same, she cant be it anymore.

though things didnt really turn out good, but at least she's glad that she still have a friend who will actually laugh with her, cry with her. while the others, where are you when she needed you most? what guardian angel?

then she still went off to work. yea. at first she seem really listless, but after awhile, she got a hang to it. she just control and smile. but still, she's really listless. she burnt her hand alot more times than usual. that night was another sleepless night for her. she just kept thinking of it.