O Levels Results!!

Yea, i 've gotten my results today. Hmm, kinda bad... It's not up to my expectations though i'm still one of the top. I've gotten for myself 4 distinctions. My L1R5 is 14 and L1R4 is 11. really disappointing man. JC says this is the lesson for being over-confident. Yea, probably so. I think i really got to learn to be more humble. Actually my intentions are just to boost my confidence and put more pressure on myself by confessing my goals out to people.

Oh yes, i'll be on the newspaper tommorrow. Cool right?!! The Vice principal called the reporter as she hopes to share my testimonies to the people. Well, i really feel proud of my experiences and i really wanna thank God for all his love, grace and mercy. Though i may have failed Him and upset Him many countless times, but He's still faithful. Praise the Lord!!

When i've reached school just now after such a long time, i really feel at home. i miss BNSS!! Especilly all the teacher there. Mrs Yeow, Mrs Tan and all of them. Mrs Yeow really understands me very well. She's the only one who knows that i'm very dissappointed with my results though i am one of the top while everyone just congratulates me ignorantly.

surprisingly, i've got A1 for my combine humans!! lol. I've always gotten F9 for it. What a great improvement!! Thanks to that irritating Kelvin Lee and Mrs Fong. yea

New yr revelations??

Well, I've got into TPJC for the 7 weeks trial. Somehow, i don't think I'm ready for a school life now. On the first day of school, i was late for ha;f an hour. Second day late for one and a half hour. Third day, can't even get up for school. LOL. So somehow, I'm kinda lagging in my work. Yea, stress!! It's something I've never felt for a long time. Especially in the area of my acaedamic. Yup, cause it has always been sokmething I'm strong at. Hmm, I've somehow lost confidence in it. However, my passion for studies and scholar have not end.

JC has entered my life, which I'm extermely thankful for. I really feel so glad that he's there to share with me and lightened my burdens. He loves me deeply, so now I wanna love him deeply with all my heart and strength. However, I know I'm kinda sway away with my work and my purpose, but I'll try to get back soon.

Oh and, I MISS U ALOT VAL!!! I really hope that we can spend more time together just like how we do in the past. haha.

My Time In Blue

Hurray!! finally my com is working!! Well, i've been working in a pub throughout this holiday and it's definitely an interesting experience to have! i saw the ugliness of life which i guess many have never seen before. but nevertheless, it is a beautiful place too.

i saw this man hugging one of the waitresses who is of my age-16 and the worst part is, i think he is as old as my dad!! i just hate it man!!

however, the beautiful part is, i think they are all very loving people. they treated me very well, just like a family. well, i'll be leaving after Christmas and i'm sure i'm gonna miss them.

some good news and goals setting

Well, haven't been posting for a long while and i have a lot of good news to share.

1. Finally, i got a new good friend!! She's Valerie. actually i didn't expect we will become good friends. I'm sure the friendship will blossom especially when we build it upon the Lord.
2. I'm top in class! hurray!! the best part is that i fulfilled my goal-obtaining top 10 in level position. I've got 6th in level position. i really believe that whatever i visualise, it'll definitely come to pass. keep on keeping on!
3. I'm in the most loving, caring, extraordinary, interesting CG!! My new leader is Gloria.W who is a compassionate lady. I'm sure the Cg make a great TEAM (Together Everyone Achieves More).
4. This is a surprise, my best friend cum brother cum classmate, Han has a girlfriend! His girlfriend is a very nice lady, they make a perfect pair. But i still hope that we won't be distanced by it.
5. I love God even more now!

Hmm, my first paper is on Monday but i haven't prepare for it. i really want to be the top student in BNSS and i know it can happen so long so i work dilligent it for it, for i have a God who will bless me and help me. jia you, Xueni. work harder, and stop slacking!!

I submit all to you, Lord

God, please do bless Han

hmm, haven been posting for a long while. Recently was really involve with church and stuffs and then realised that i neglected my studies. however, i'll keep on keeping on in my walk with God.

currently im giving tuition to a few of my friends. i hope and i'll pray for them. especially my dearest friend, Han. i just pray that God will bless him and his family. i really cant afford to lose this angel in my life. and i just realise my obliviousness towards my dependency and attachment to him.

Father i just lift this prayer into your loving hands,
i pray for your favour to come upon Han.
please do send your holy spirit to han to protect and guide him.
please do bless our friendship.
and don ever allow the devil to take him away from me.
i really love him very much.
i pray for my brother and his family.
in Jesus name i pray,
amen.

Save the N239s

yup. yesterday night Rubez and i planned to save ourcell group by calling up one aother at least once a week for a 2 person PM. cool? lol. i think my current cg is under a cuse by the devil and this stupid culture of fallen in love, getting distracted should be stopped and rebuke in Jesus's name! Amen?

however, when affected people being asked and remind, some denied of being part of it and the others stupidily fell into the devil's trap. i think we should really pray about it man. if not Brother MJ out there will soon suffer from a heart attack if more gets affected. and current members that are still focus are just Rubez, Shi Wei and myself. these are the people that i'm very sure of. the rest still not very certain. whatever it is, rubez and myself will stay focus and consistantly remaind each other and not be the next heartache for Bro MJ. we just want to share His burden and raise up in God's kingdom.

so far, the devil had been trying to tempt the both of us with brothers that are really "attractive" and strong. but no matter how good they are or how close the bothers are to us, we will not let the devil have his way. yea

my friend, Yue Ze

haha. so this is the silly irritating friend that i had been mentioning in my blog. lol. this pathetic guy was always mentally abuse by me. lol. but i think it have become the other way round now. lol. he has been bullying me. but whatever it is, he certainly is a brother that i look up to and a friend that i will cherish forever. thanks dude.

i'm never the same

i have been transformed and i knew that. i can feel that in my heart. it's God. well, the friend that i've mention in my last posting have reconciliated with me. yea. praise the lord.

i will not feel insecure or unworthy anymore as i know, my greatest value is my value to God. and my father in heaven is consistent, he will love me unconditionally despite what's my past, what i've did. since i repented, he will forgive me. he loves me.

returning to church is a great challenge for me and of cause my time. but my catholic teacher have really been a great "discipler" to me. teaching me how to prioritise between studies and church. though i still is not very good at it and not coping too well, but i know God is watching over me and carrying me on his back. Faith, is the engine and God is the strength. the activities in church were 'overwhelming' me. and this means that i will have very little time to study. i don even have the time to sleep. i'm really worn out. there are days whereby i just fell asleep suddenly in the afternoon or evening and woke up the next day morning, without knowing it. this is really hard, but there is not a second that i'll complain or regret serving him or walking this walk. i just want to be so close to him. to enter into the highest level of intimacy with him. i just want to be so close to him. i love jesus.

ya, returning to church had drawn me away from Han. i wonder how is he? i think we are so far apart now. the last time i can at least guess what's on his mind,but now, i think we somehow lost this connection. guess that he will never understand my love for God and therefore not understand me. hmm, but whatever it is, Han's position in my heart will never change. i've even placed him in my priorities card. lol.

oh ya, my CG is disbanded. this means that all of us will be seperated soon. i wil miss all of them. yup. and that silly irritate idiotic Yue Ze too. haha. i cherishes all of them, Candice, John, KK, Joey, keith, Hui Ting, Xiu Li, Shawn, Sam, Carmen, Samuel. and probably yue ze will have the greatest impact on me because i have not been treating him well and i think i've really let him down. lol. he is just starting to taste some "sweetness" from me and then we must be separated. i have just start to really cherish him. haha. maybe he's just so 'suai' lol.

A two weeks friend

the friend i've made two weeks ago, i've lost it...

i've hurt him. hmm, i've always been a nuisance to him. i'm mean and nasty to him. i had never pay attention to what he'd told me and think it's rubbish. i ask him out on a particular day and left him all alone walking behind, following me. though we often chat on the phone, but i don even know what i've said. basically i think i'm just talking crap to him all these while, trying to get entertained and irritate him. he's just the new target for me to disturb. despite this, he had been listening to my nonsense patiently. he treats me really well, but i treated him like a dirt. whenever i know that he's trying to talk to me, i would close my eyes, letting him to think that i'm taking a nap, but actually is that i don want to talk to him. i don even want to hear his voice. i don know why, the sight of him just irritate me. furthermore, i would just make a big fuss when i think he made a mistake but in fact, it wasnt even a mistake. this is just how nasty i am to him. and that idiot, just stupidily, allowing me to bully him?!! silly fool.

i knew he should be treated better. but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. attitude, cool, numbed are just words to describe the daily me and i'm just those type who will treat you worse the more i care for you. yea. i got to admit this, i care for him and cherish him. though this is so, i will never tell him. never! care and concern don need words to be shown. at least for me? i think so. this is just the way i care.

also, i don wish to be too close to him. maybe it's more of fears. i've made a promise to myself which will probably last for a year. i don wish to get emotionally attached. i fear this friendship would grow into something more. so i'm just trying to prevent disasters from happening. i don wish those stupid chemical reactions in the brain (infactuations/ affections) to spoil the friendship and i know it's not the time yet. moreover, i'm still waiting for the day whereby i return to look for Uncle and talk things clear. i still miss Uncle. and i don want to "betray" him. i still hope to care for my Uncle. also, i'm trying hard to stop him from invading into my past, my privacy and my heart. maybe i'm just too ashame to let him learn about it.

i know i've hurt him badly and these are not very acceptable reasons for me to end this friendship. still, i will do it if i were to be given another chance. i know very well what i'm doing. i know he's hurt and disappointed. but i would rather him beind hurt and disappointed for a few days than him being more wounded in the future when he gets to know the real me. i know he will get over it soon.

i'm sorry my friend, because i cherishes you, so i left.

appreciation night-29/12/06

yea. at the party, we are asked to dressed according to our cell group's theme. and my group's theme was nerd!! haha. on the day itself, i went to look for a fake set of teeth which i spend 3hours searching for that place.

when we are all dressed up, my members first gather at the corridor outside the multi-purpose hall at bayshore pak. there came this guy whose name, yue ze. at that moment, i was thnking, "hmm, this guy are not dressed up?" he just merely wear a blouse. when he saw me, i guess he was shock rather than surprise. and that guy just tuck in his blouse and thinking that it look really nerd.haha. i mean, how silly can he be? then i came into a conclusion, personally, he definitely is a nerd. lol.

SL camp

yea. just came back from camp on monday morning, sunday midnight. lol. it was the service learning camp and she was going there as a facilitator.

her instructor is a guy. he's timothy. the first impression he gave her wasnt really good. she thought he's really childish and playful. so she didnt talk much. during the debriefing tim said that she's too quiet.

on the second day, she became really crazy. she misses the camp. it was really fun.

actually, what she wanted to blog very much is about how much she wished to meet tim. how sad, she was told by the other leaders that they cant exchange contacts as it was the policy. though he can be really playful at times, but he's certainly not. there's sometimes she cant help imagining about having a partner like tim. what will it be? lol. but she's so definite that she doesnt like him. she just wish to get to know this cheerful guy who really had brightened up her life. nah, never mind. she believes in fate, so don worry she told herself, if it's all predestined, they will definitely meet again. yea.

Halloween

Coincidence

she no longer fantasise about Uncle. but she cant deny that she misseshim. she will still, often be reminded of him. thinking about him, she started realising something surprising.

about a year ago, she cant remember the exact date, but she is certain that it was last year,she went to Fisherman with Mar and Lynn. Lynn was all excited with her friends as it was her previous workplace. Lynn was introducing her friends and xueni started noticing this man. he looks short, but somehow she was attracted by his back-view. he was standing a distance away from her.

now, recalling it, she realised that that man she saw might be Uncle, or rather, she thinks it's him. it's the same person. oh, is this what people are saying-FATE? if that's the case, can she be assured that they will meet again despite that Fisherman will be closing in this coming sunday and that meansthere's no way for her to see him again. yea. suddenly, she was reminded of a phrase in her compo. she wrote about Uncle too. "other than his name and workplace, she know nothing about this man." yea. that's what she wrote. anyway, he already has a girlfriend.

the irony here is, now, she wish that fate can really bring them back, but at the same time, she dont as she feared that by the time they were brought back together, she will no longer desires him. is this love, or just an affection? whatever it is, she is sure that it will fade away, ya?

if it was fate that brought us together,
then why is it drawing us away too?
is it a ment to be,
or just another prank?
if it was a prank, i will say
i'm not fit for it
cause i've fallen in it and started sinking, drowning
then, you are telling me to get out, it's just a joke.
he was just a stranger before.
one that shouldnt be entering my life,
not appearing in my memories.
but what a big joke you had brought to me,
distrupting my peaceful life,
get me all corked up.
this time round,
i think i've really fallen and drown.

family

Heartache

can i say that a new chapter has started now? yea. things have ended, but the fact, the truth she must really admit to herself is that she still cant let go of "her" Uncle.

she's no longer working due to a big scene her sis had created on last sunday. nah, she didnt actually blame on Mar, but just that, ya, there's one lesser reason for her to get near to Uncle. for the past few days after that incident, she was kind of aggitated. she had a really bad control over her emotions. she really likes him. can you understand how serious she is? she thinks that Mar knows that this is really important to her and she's really fussy with this kind of things-relationships.

for this one whole year, she had been really careful. trying to protect herself, not getting hurt, not falling again. hence she had make a definite choice before anything happens and she thought this cant be wrong. she trusted that man so much.but he betrayed her trust? she really thought he felt for her too. at least a little. she always thought that. she don expect him to her too, neither did she expects anything back from him. she just want to continue this rare feeling of excitedment and happiness that he had got her. but even so, he refused to allow her to dote on him, to like him. even until now, she still will refuse to admit this, but she cant, as this had became a real fact.

scenes of Uncle and his girlfriend kept flashing in her mind. how she wish her mind is like a computer, then she could very brave and delete them, not allowing it to bother her. not at all. how can he treat her like this?! he said this before

Uncle:"no matter how empty and lonely i feel, i still want to remind single!"

isn't this what he said? seeing him so sweetly with his girlfriend, she still refuse to admit it. she was still telling herself that, "perhaps, perhaps he's just a close friend of my Uncle" yea. how gulible can she be? the worst part is that she got to admit it as she got to know it from their friend, directly at her face, telling her to give up. her heart was really heavy. her heart ache. this is no exaggarating. that disappointment, sinking, heavy feeling her heart is facing. can you understand?

Uncle, wen can she actually say bye bye? how can you be so carefree. disappointed. this is more of what she feels. Uncle, you betrayed her trust! looks like you don need her to dote on you as you had found your "her".

you're no longer my Uncle, you cant be anymore.

黑夜渗透了想念
偷不走微光闪现的千种画面
我背着伤痛离开
孤单拖着记忆支离破碎
原以为不会改变
眼泪在脸颊上干枯失去知觉
我的心挣脱了爱
跟随着夕阳埋进了海洋
为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷争
现实的翅膀扰乱了原本幸福的气氛
我有我的过错
我有我的疑惑
藏在面对面的折磨背后
为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空
随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动

an angel's birthday

ha. yesterday mon and xueni planned to give their "angel" a surprise. thiugh it didnt turn out that well in the beginning, but it's sure a memorable and touching wan.

in the beginning, han seen to be suspecting and stuffs. so this made her a little irritated. but later it went on smoothly with the help of han's mum. mon went to han's place first. xueni and joey den went up and hide in han's mum's room while han's bathing. the wait for han to finish his 30mins bath and den yup. he went into his room, they den knock his room. when he open his door,

"happy birthday!!" the three jump out and scream. ha.

she thinks he's touched. his mum too. everyone were really touched. for the first time, she thinks she'd finanlly done something great for him. yea. happy birthday, my angel.

the children's day

yea. let's first blog abt her birthday. basically it ended up more like a "04" gatering. but what ever it is, it sure was a memorable one for them.

why she say them? because she din't actually enjoy herself, instead, feeling really down that night. she saw her Uncle. the man. that man that she had planned long ago to be celebrating her special day with her. though it did nt turn out the way as she wished, but it's all expected. he wished her happy birthday. acting so claim and still as cool as ever. yea. nothing had happened. is this all that he'd used all these while to deceive himself, like what xueni did? oh man, where does all his assurance come from? can he give some to her to make her feel better? though han kept telling her that Uncle is not nice or stuffs, but she's just so assured that he likes her too. it's not all her wishful thinking this time. she's really definite that he feels for her. but maybe just some personal reasons, he can't accept it, not even to himself. what ever it is, she knows, he's not the man.

ok, her birthday? they just drank alot and get drunk? ya? but not her, of cause. she's just high. ha. yuan told her she snored when tey're taking a nap. arh.. of cause she beg them not to tell the others about her embarrassmoents. haha.

"04"-new chapter

yea. tomorrow is the day that she've been looking forward throughout this whole week. she'll be celebrating her birthday with her current "04" friends. they are a bunch of crazy mad dogs, but at the same time, truthful, real, sincere and they definitely have a genuine heart. actually is not her birthday that she's excited about, it's more of the funs and memorable period they might create. she thinks it will be a really crazy one.

thinking of the funs, she just can't help feeling a little down at the same time. should she feel down or happy? basically she'd planned long ago to look for Uncle at her workplace. she wished that he will be the one to celebrate this special day with her. but she knows, this is one of her wishful thinkings too.

ok, let's talk about something happy. she must really thank han for this bunch of friends he had brought her. yea. they really bring her much happiness and fun, especially yuan. he's the craziest guy among them. he's a little dotty, lunatic and funny. every of his actions will seem funny even when he din't actually try to make them laugh. though many may mistook him for his lunatic character, but he's a person that is really sincere to everyone and carries a genuine heart that she's talking about. can you belive this? because xueni really hated the stupid cigratte smell, so he decided to quit smoking for her as he thinks xueni had treated him very well. yea. well, she's touched. erm, more of surprised.

Brotherly Love

yesterday night when she's struggling so hard to force herself to study for her bio exam, her bro called. they started chatting and stuffs.

super weird, she actually told her bro everything. about her past experiences and the "secret" between Uncle and her. this is the first time she really thinks that her bro had "grown up". he showed maturity in the conversation man!! haha. surprisingly, when she told him about all, he didn't give much comments nor lecture her, instead, he was really patient and understanding. he told her not to worry about BGRstuffs right now as nature will take its course. also, he don think she's ready for all these. yea. that's what she thought too.

he also told her not to worry about money. he knows very well that she wanted to buy a notebook, and that's the main reason for her to step into society so early. but somehow, she thinks she gets alittle distracted and lost her sense of direction in life. the last time she can be really assured to tell you that she will be able to get back in track in the shortest possible time, but now.... she just don have these confident. anyway, her bro told her that he will try his best to fork in some money to get her a notebook, even if she doesnt pay a single cent.

yea. because she's not working right now, she giving herself a 'cold turkey' towards Uncle in order to continue the rest of the walk in life. this is one of the greatest challenges in her life as she thinks she is a really clear-minded person, but unfortunately, being killed in the relationship area. she's just too soft towards people. her bro told her that her the best point about her is that though she's naive and innocent, she doesnt get influence and go astray by others. yea. she really like what he said. it's a trust and faith that he puts on her and she really cherish that.

Bro:"i think you're really nice to people. like no matter how much hurt they
have got you into, you will definitely forgive them which is something
i won't."

yea. and this is really stupid. that's her weakest point. too emotional, always allowing emotions to have control over her. what ever it is, her bro just end by telling to really realy bear in mind this two:

1. your main task now is to study hard and beat all the stupid bitches in your class.
2. after acheiving no.1, work really hard for notebook.

yea. he told her to be really focus. this time round, she really felt the brotherly love and was actually very touched. "kor, thank you."