wooh, time flies. i am turning 20 this yr. from a inferior, low self-esteem girl, evolving to a lady. yup. i realise this journey is definitely not easy and the future will be tougher. ppl will not to as kind to you anymore as there is an expectation now. the friends who you thought and said will be there for you always, they will prove to you that they will not. we all start growing up at different pace and we soon develop different ideologies and level of thinking. and the gap will only get greater and differences too. and soon ,we realised that we can no longer be close frens.

however emo the post may sound, there is a good news (whether you want to take it as one), which is, we will all learn to make new frens. new set of friends who will support you and encourage you. no matter how much you may hate to leave those old frens, we all have to move on. i'm don mean we are so heartless to abandon those old frens, but we just have to move on yet remembering the good memories. yup.

eventhough i am burdened and troubled, i trust in my God. =)

yo! CHRISTMAS IS COMING! jINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY! yea, it's in one of my most fav season again! every year when it is approaching Christmas, the world will seem more joyous and lively!

well, many weeks have past, i've adjusted myself better to my new cg. i think things got to start with me. i need my child-like faith to rekindle, that i'll be passionate for souls and have the faith to believe in ppl, in my members. actually, i really do love them, i think they are the most fun-loving ppl around. yea, for aq loving and sensitive culture i hope to see, i'll first start with me.

so, i really look forward to see us getting stronger and more united each day. we're a loving, humble, God-seeking family. i'm in the best place. =)

2nd Week Of The New Beginning

Although i just had my 2nd cell group meeting with Gloria, the whole transfer thing still feels so unreal. it felt as though i have not gone to church for two weeks and there's a big part of my heart that is still very unwilling, but i'll perservere on and break myself to be willing.

i haven missed someone so much for a long time that i had really forgotten how it feels to "miss you badly", but right now, i really really misses Darryl very very much. it seems like a portion of my heart became quite empty and i'm like floating in the air. although i am given much more opportunities and i'm very glad and i'll definitely do my best to help Gloria, but i really cant help to feel this way still. i really miss Darryl.

for the first two weeks after Darryl broke the news to me, i couldnt sleep at all every night. and the thought of Darryl just naturally made my eye sour. i guess, that eventhough i don express it openly by asking her out or buying her gift and when people talked about how much the love Darryl, i'll just keep quiet and listen and i didnt really tell anyone about how much Darryl mean to me, i know i really love her very much. there wont be any right words to describe how much she mean in my heart.

as the news broke to the whole cg, people start to feel uncomfortable and needed comfort and affirmation. the supposed "more mature ones" tried our best to comfort the rest. but actually our hearts are bleeding and hurting not any lesser. we were each others buddy for the past three years. from 7 of us, we grew to 30 of us. eventhough most were transfered, i guess it's the cg's faithfulness and love that we were entrusted with the people. we also grew spiritually, mentally and emotionally together. we made mistakes together, get scolded together, laughed together, acted as if we were professionals during every year's highlight - Darryl's bday, Christmas Drama Outreaches, Appreciation Lunch, Makeup Outreaches. we grew from "severely wounded hearts and life" get heal, start serving and now, into strong and mighty helpers. and many times previously, we had much miscommunication and would be really angry with one another, but it wont last more than an hour, because we really love each other. now, to leave Darryl and my buddies, i'm really very upset and there will not be anyone to comfort me and still i'll have to make sure the rest are ok. well, walking the walk is defeinitely not easy and can get quite lonely at times.

since the start of this year, i've prayed prayers to God to mould me into someone that can be Darryl's armor barrier. for the past few weeks, i will ask God, did He made a mistake? but i know He has His higher ways and i'll obey with the best attitude that i can. i'll constantly remind myself to "bring Darryl to N395", to represent Darryl in my new cg. yup. and actually my desire is to "graduate" from Darryl's cg before i have my own CG just ike Chloe. i think it's really a previliage and i cant help, but to envy John and pearly. well, if Darryl needs any helper, i will be the first to volunteer myself! hahaha.

ok, after so much of pouring, self-pity-ing and self-comforting (LOL) i'll really do my best and i trust in God that He will reveal His greater plans to me soon. yea. jia you jia you!

God Is "Unfair". =)

i had two visitors who were previously my aunt's fellow buddist mates. one of them happened to know that i'm a christian and started bombarding me with many doctrines about buddism as the faith that is above all the other faith. he can even quote many bible verses. he taught me abt idolatry, water baptizm and carrying the cross, which was what i had learnt in SOT. actually his understanding of our christian faith is very deep, but to him, the buddist god is the real and ultimate truth and all the other faiths are branches of this ultimate truth.

i think this is a great interaction with ppl of the other faith that i rarely have. i guess, being in the Singaporean culture for the entire lifetime, we tend to be a little over-sensitive or easily intimidated when it come to the topic on faiths that leaves us very little exposure to what the other faiths are all about, what are the convictions of the people that they are willing to die for. being over-protected and refusing to listen to the others talking about their faiths can make us shallow people or even frogs in the well. however, before we can even participate in such sensitive discussions, we need to have a firm foundation of our christian faith, a maturity at the heart that will not constantly looking for opportunities to retailiate and an openness to hear what they have to say, then we would definitely be able to learn much from them that gives us a greater revelation of the Word of God when we draw a link between them.

well, putting that aside, i'm glad that i had the opportunity to chat with the uncle that i really like when i attended the buddist classes when i was younger. he leave to me this fatherly impression and is compassionate about our plight since childhood. he makes me think sharing with him about my thoughts are very simple and he is very ready to listen and to feel about how i felt. eventhough i told him that i've flang my A levels last year and i am actualy not very optimistic about my exams this year, i can feel that he believes in me still and most importantly, he didnt judge me or condemn me. he said something that really triggered my heart, "i think your family really depends on you, you really got to make it big in the future." this was the exact same mission that i'd told myself as young as when i first had memory and pastor mj told me that too.

for a period of time, i had thoughts to escape from this family. the only way for myself to totally freed myself from them is to get married! haha. i think to many people, they will think it is really funny or even absurb, but to someone who someone who do not have any direct biological family who are supportive, never feels secure and can be thrown out at the slightest mistake, marriage for a moment might seemed to be one of the way that she can escape from all these insecurities. she will then start to have her family, her house. but definitely, this is a very naive idea. everything starts from the within. one got to be secure with who he is, what he has in order to be happy. it's not so much about the circumstances, but the substances from within.

and of course, i have repented from that thought. hah. i wont deny that i really don feel very loved at home and gets very discouraged to love them, but i do love them very much. i'll try my best with the time i have with them to love and transform their lives. i want them to be happy people. people who can feel a wide range of emotions, especially love. i guess it's the hardness of life, they protect themselves by resisting to feel and therefore it hardens the heart and become numbed. but the love of God is wider and deeper than everything. if i am able to be redeem, anyone will be able to. i want to make a difference!

i think i am very favoured. looking back, i think the hands of God have been lifting me and the eyes of God have been watching over me even before i knew Him. eventhough i was born to a weak circumstance, but i was very looked after. when my siblings and i played with the neighbourhood children, we were the favourites of the older kids. when i went to primary school, my result just improved drastically without and guidance and ever since i've topped my class and level in my major exams. i will always stand-out or become the most popular one where i am placed eventhough i am not very pretty or extremely talented. should people say that God is unfair, yes i think so and agree to it completely! He gave me all the great talents-i can sketch slightly better than the average, able to sing slightly better than the average, able to study slightly better than the average, look slightly better than the average, speak slightly better than the average, able to do sports slightly better than the average. yes, God is very unfair! he is bias to me.

like i've said, before my mum passed away, we were the more popular kid n the neighbourhood. in school, i was chosen to be in the school netball team when i just joined for a few months copared to my frens wheo joined for a year. when i took part in any sports events, i would always come in top three at least. and also top the class or level in my major exams. i would also be very priveliage to get to know outstanding people whom many people try to get close with but unble. before my mum passed away, the older populaer kid-William. In primary school, the popular best sportsmen in my school-Weilun. In secondary school, i become the most "popular" one that people try to get close to. In Jc, eventhough i try to fade in and out of school, my friends still think i'm the "cool" person and my teachers will really treat me exceptionally well. In church, i get to know one of the most anoited and loving couple, Darryl and MJ, personally. and to learn under them.

looking back, God's eyes have been watching over me. His favour over me is so explicit. yes, God's favourite is ME! =)

yea, i went for the meeting with Dr A R Bernard just now and had some thoughts of structural renewal to my life, since i don have any organisation that i can practice on.

i'll re-examine the area of my studies-revision for A levels and allocation of time for my friends and family. got to learn to sow my precious seed on good grounds. for the next two months, i should adjust my schedule to fellowship lesser and study more. cos i tend to accept any request from my friends to go out and neglected the revision schedule that i had planned for myself to meet. prioritise!

and i'll try to stay home more often, talk to my family more to understand them better. cos i feel ever since my uncle went to work, we communicate very little. he looked very tired and gloomy all the time. and just tonight, i saw him taking out my aunty's photo and put it in his wallet. i think he must be missing her all these years. in his eyes, he seemed aimless and dragged. that's why i must shower him with the love of God, he must come to church and know God! to receive new visions and dreams!

when one is safed, the whole household will be saved!

Amen!

A Grasp Of Adulthood

i think i am really on my way to adulthood.

eventhough i really hate to admit it, i am starting to get a taste of adulthood. technically, i'm only 18, the supposed most youthful period of my life, but i cant help, but to start thinking of many mature isues.

things like, buying insurance for the protection of my family if anything mishaps should happen to me. start thinking and planning for my future career path. as Dr. A. R Bernard had preached the gate that i want to enter the society through. and definitely, BGR, which puzzled me quite abit.

frankly speaking, i think i'm quite a strong and "zai" person. there are very little times i will not know what to do. the most i will just feel very upset or hurt, and cry my heart out at the toilet all alone where no one can see me. and then move on, dry my tears and solve the problem.

however, when it comes to relationship, i am really stucked. i wont say i don know what to do, but it's more of uncertain about it. this is something so fragile. it will bring you on cloudnine with the sweetness of it, and yet scar the heart so badly at the same time. it will make you become irrational. i guess, the reason that i avoided it so much is because of the effort that i have put in to train myself to be rational all these years, since the last breakup. i remembered in the beginning when i first came to Darryl's cg, i would cry at every cgm. my heart was in such a pain all the time, especially at night that i could hardly breathe. and i would cry for help in my mind every night. then i made the inner vow to not want to experience the same pain anymore. for so long, that my heart will still feel a pinch of grievence when i watch a drama or listen to a song that reminds me of the pain. my heart had been so numb about love for so long, yes, i don have faith in LOVE.

and today, will be the day that i want to break free from it! because after svc just now, Darryl asked me about who do i like. and i immediately armed my heart with "i think i'm too young". stop running away, STOP! dint God prepare you for it in the beginning of the year? yes, you are prepared and ready for it now. you are no longer unstable and irrational to handle a relationship healthily. YES! jia you! i will be open to dates when people initiate! hah. =)

Let go, and move on. you are stronger now.

isnt it cool to have God saying "I'm you shield"? this is what i've heard from Him most in this season, and i cant be more touch and grateful for it.

as i want to become a more sophisticated person in this society, i will become simpler as well. having this engraved in my heart, "the greatest of all is LOVE", i'll just love.

SOT-"Training In Progress!"

it has been a long time since i last posted. eventhough this isnt a long time, but mere few months, many things had happened and i had realised many things had changed, for some, i just got to let go.

in this season, i would say it's the toughest time of my spiritual walk with God, but definitely, God works through the opposite way as the natural, i've been taught and stretched so much like i've never been.

Towards the end of last year, He'd impressed me with two things. One of which is, "2010 will be a great adventure, get ready!" and before i knew it, He abruptly placed me in a situation where i was avoiding all these years as a signpost to me that "I'm going to start preparing you for My great adventure, you've grown up, stop avoiding." and then, i need to start taking up resposibilities that i always thought it's so heavy. nevertheless, initially i flet quite helpless but still, i make use of one of my greatest weapon-my "don care lah, just jump in then start to learn how to swim" attitude. it's call "faith" in the bible, i guess.

Then He start equipping me with the necessary weapon for the battles that are awaiting-tuition jobs for livellihood, enrolment of SOT (the first two months) for spiritual armor and strength with the study of the foundation of christian living and bring me closer to God through knowing His character, a ginosko type of understanding. that period, i was so charged up, so excited, but i have not realised what i've gotten myself into. hah.

After which, He started bringing me to the tests, one by one, He brought me to. one comitment, one more, another, and yes some more commitments. Before i knew it, i'd been brought to this test called "Prioritising". with the same amount of time as eveyone else, how am i going to jargle all these commitments, how will i allocate my time to ensure it's use is maximised to its optimum. and yes, in the beginning, i was messy, like an octopus which legs are entangled. But soon, i identified it and spoke to the Helper, He thought me how to manage them. the octopus' entangled legs are untangled. and i was lke, "yes, i've cleared, short and sharp". but before i could get too corky, another test came.

This test is called "Brokenness". from what i can recall, ever since i entered secondary school with my "ah lian" status, no one, i mean acquintance, has ever verbally bullied me. until i joined POS. i think the scoldings i've endured in that 3 weeks are much more than those i've received for the past 6 years. every single day, without fail, i would be scolded by either my trainer or my teammates. eventhough we are all christians, and quite mature ones surposedly, i would get scolded very openly and sometimes so intensed until the whole team would stop whatever they were doing and watch. at that point, i really felt very embarrased. actually, i know if i dont give in to them and repe, i would win in the argument. but the Spirit in me just tell me to keep quiet and ENDURE. true enough, He is my Defender. He made use of an event that causes many people to start protecting me and most importantly, those people who used to verbally abuse me, they then became one of those who really watched out for me.

through all these tests that i've been brought to to be trained, finally there was this zone prayer meeting that we had with Pastor MJ that made me felt, as if my whole spinal bones are riped off in my spirit. my heart felt the tremendous pain, images of Jesus's wounds hanging like ribbons on His body when He was crucified filled my mind. i was crying aloud. and that day, i know something within me was brokened and i can be used by God more effectively.

definitely after every breakthrough is the beginning of a brand new trial and test. yes, the devil begin to distract me with relationship issues. what was meant to be good, the devil started confusing me, making me fearful. this lasted for quite a few weeks before the storm in my heart had ceased. and i've learnt from this, whatever it may be, face it with an open heart. most importantly, be very truthful to myself.

yea, right now, this week is the week of deliverance. i now this is going to me the mark of a life changing moment for me, because God is going to clear up the "house" and break away all the spiritual bondages, curses, emotional shut downs, inner vows in me that have been limiting the ability for the Holy Spirit to work in me and replace it with His life, His Spirit and His anoiting. i'm all ready for this exciting encounter with God and i'm looking forward to see the works that He is going to do through me, myself moving in the power. hah. it's going to be exciting!

hey i'm back!!! woohoo!

i finally experience SOT! LOL. i really think it's a season of brokenness man. jia you jia you

Even The SOT Prep Class Was Great!

first day of the SOT prep class was simply awesome! God's presence was so strong in the class! my mind was constantly reminded of wat Darryl has told me, " SOT is very good, don waste the experience!" bearing it in my mind 24/7, i kept reminding myself to be the most attentive and enthusiastic student with amens and respond all the time. i know dat God is really doing a great work through me right now, cant wait for His final product.

Have Faith! =)

I'm So Sorry For Not Being A Great Friend

i wont deny the fact that many times, i feel really lousy about myself and feel like isolating myself.

i havent been a great friend to people around me, i guess. firstly, i only found out my JC best friend broke up with her boyfriend after 2weeks. secondly, my friend run away from his case to another country, and i found out only 2 months later. thirdly, my ex favourite memeber that i used to follow up on is a hardcore drug addict for at least half a year, and i only found out recently, and lastly, all these while, my IRON2 isnt feeling good and struggling with lots of hurts and i was so insensitive to her. not meeting her needs is already bad enough, i was so firm with her still. so what if i managed to win in the conversation, she doesnt need it at that point of time. what she needed was some comfort and a pair of listening ears, a friend that she can rely on. now that she doesnt want to see me anymore, i start to realise how important she is to me. all my joy was brought by her presence in my life. i've never felt so suppported and confident in doing God's works before i knew her. so what if she always talk back at me, so what if she like to make fun of me, so what if i was sometimes offended by her, why should i be so petty and calculative to my precious family? how nasty can i be man.

i really don know what i can do to help them, all i can do is to pray. eventhough i believed in God's science and wonders, but i feel so helpless.

JIA YOU, xueni!!!

My Job Hunting Experiences

oh man, i can finally understand why i used to hear the adults complaining about the difficulties in finding a job. I always used to think jobs are available everywhere, it's just that if the finder is dilligent enough to take up the challenge or not. but i'm totally wrong!

my job hunting started in dec after my A levels last paper. well, if i got to consider serious hunting, it's in jan. it is a month already and i'm still jobless!!! okay, i got to admit that there are PLENTY of jobs available, probably i'm too fussy in the type of job, the industry, the company profile, their culture, the salary and the location. i want to find a job that can aid to open doors for me in my entertainer businesswoman vision, and not just any other jobs to kill time or earn extra pocket money.

i've already gone for 7 or 8 interviews, but none was successful. it's either i rejected them due to a mismatch of culture, or due to my high external commitment level activities, i cant work shift work as what was required in most of the positions that i'm VERY interested in. many times, i would question if anyone from our church is in the industry that i want to work in, and how do they find a negiotiation balance with the employer that they are willing to hire them. LOL.

i am many times, i am discouraged and feel REALLY like giving up, but i just got to keep pressing on man!

earnest + persistent + specific prayer!

Loving People Is Not Easy

we're called to love people fervently, it's definitely not easy. i'm not very sure how the others will grade me according to that, but if i have to grade myself, i guess i'll still think i need a much bigger heart with extreme capacity of patience!

Jia You, Loving people FERVENTLY!!!

I Am A David Because You Are Courageous

my new year eve and new year day seemed to be combined into a single day. probably like what Bernard said, "when you enjoyed the company, time passes really fast."

on the eve, we had our 2009 zone appreciation, didnt expect for our team to win the 60 sec of fame, i guess it's probably God's reward to us even as we faithfully obey Him to carry on with our performance eventhough we had numerous frustrations and miscommunication. Pearly did really well! =)

Darryl, nominated me as for the David award-"Courage Award". the hosts announced that it's the most important or biggest award of the day or something. this wasn't the first time i got such an award and being honoured in public, and i wasn't really excited like i suppose to when i received it. In fact, i'm more touched because Darryl was standing next to me, more excited because Geo ran with me in my 2009 race, felt more loved because Siying loved me so much, felt more proud because Ginger feels proud of me. and not forgetting the rest of my family-w372 and those who really loved me, Carol, Gloria, Jia hui, Daniel, Xianbi, Chin Por. i appreciate the journey more than the reward, and i truely thank God for it.

there are some statements people made to me that really stayed in my mind and my heart.

Geo: "No matter who win the award, we'll still feel as honoured and proud because we're in the same family"

yea, this is the greatest expression of love and i know she really mean it, she's not at all disappointed that her dance group didnt win but feels more proud because WE won!

Geo: "You deserve the David Award!"

i really think that she's the David and not me. i wont be able to be one if she didnt support me and push me.

Siying: "i'm so proud of you"

i always thought no one can melt my heart again with this phrase except for Ming Jin and she did. when she really mean it from her heart, i'm touched. =)

Gloria: "you've proven to us again and again that nothing is impossible!"

i am not, but Darryl is, she really is. wanted to tell Darryl so much that i am a david because she is courageous and her courage is so contagious!

Pearly: "thank you for insisting..."

i should thank brian and her for trusting in my persistance eventhough they really cant bring themselves to agree with it.

John: "thank God you didnt backslide the last time when i scold you, if not we'll lose a gem"

EVERYONE is a gem, we polish it by keep trusting and loving them, just like how MJ, Darryl and Carol trusted and loved me.

thank God for redeeming me. =)

I Love "Brother MJ and Sister Darryl" Hah. =P

Went to sing K togehter with Geo, Gab and Tallie this afternoon. Cant help to start reciting about the interesting encounters with the 3 people that i really looked up to-MJ, Darryl and Carol. i told them about how i used to act cute infront of "Brother MJ", at that time, whenever he was about to scold me, by calling him Uncle MJ. haha, He would then give me that "should i scold you or laugh" face! LOL. i also told them about "Sister Darryl's" long thick and black locks! but i think she suit shorter hair, she looks sweeter and more charismatic! hahah. that was the old good time 4 years back where i was still the youngest in both of "Brother MJ's" CG in Pastor Audrey's zone. Wah, time really files and i'm soon entering into the 5th year from the start of my transformation in my life!

i used to ask Darryl why she'll come to Bedok North as her portfolio 4 years back, and she just said she felt led. Recalling the past from now, it was really a long journey and alot of price to pay before winning me to God-the amount of tears shed by Carol, uncountable phone calls by "Brother MJ"! Sometimes i hope to be alittle thick-skined to think that God placed this burden in Darryl's heart 4 years back to come to Bedok North, making so much effort, bringing her whole team, just to make sure i get to God's side. HAHAHAH!!

Now that i've grown up and able to take care of people, eventhough mostly are older than me, LOL, i'm prepared to pay equal amount, or even more for the next generation, to make sure they are TOTALLY won to God's side, because i'm REALLY REALLY REALLY grateful that MJ,Darryl and Carol didnt give up on me, this ultimate needy kid 4 years back. and praise the Lord, we have some new kids in the cell, i think it's a start of an interesting and heartening story of transformations, that will be mixed with tears, anger, frustrations and much more love, joy and laughters!

My Dream

i got to really STEP OUT!

i received double impartation last weekend. hah, as i went for both weekend services and was being prayed for by Pastor Kong twice! hah. since i was being prayed for, i will receive an impartation, so got to obey and use it wisely!

the sermon was about Dream...
it seems like a double affirmation that God wants to assure, for my disbelief and uncertainty, so He planned for me to attend the same sermon twice!

actually, i've dreamt about it since i was a kid, probably 8 or 9? i always thought i was being a copycat of my sis' dream, so as i grow up, i thought less of it. probably i AM quite shy about it, eventhough i appear loud and out-going, i am actually quite shy and have a BAD stage fright! hence as i grow up, ill be embarrassed to mention this fream to anyone, because i was uncetain of myself and the future living for it. i guess, since God has called me to step out, eventhough He didnt utter anything more then just "be an entertainer in the Asian industry that is as reputable and respectable as A Mei", i just got to have an obedient heart to obey. one thing that Pastor Kong say really strike me, "even if there is no CHC, no future or luxurious life, i still feel honoured to just be able to walk with Jesus!". i was like, "WOW!" eventhough i'm still too young to own a heart like that for Jesus, but i want to have a heart that's after Him.

Cant wait for the transformation! oh yes, my dream is to be an entertainer, especially to sing! =)

I Need Him

Have i received an impartation from Pastor Kong today? He layed hand on me! LOL.

Recently feels a little dry. like, numb, layed back and stuffs, but each time i just forces myself to leave the house to work, meet friends, go to church and cg. hah, guess this is absolutely normal for EVERONE. thank God for His strength that upon me so that i don allow my flesh to have control over my heart.

well, we're gonna end 2009 soon in a few weeks time, what have i accomplished and regrets that i have for this year?

my greatest achievement for the year is probably being able to grow stronger with God and healing of all the wounds i had previously in my heart and turn it into my weapon when someone needs me. these experiences really became mireals to my life, enabling me to empathise with people more and makes my heart bigger.

as of regrets... Hmmm, i guess it's concerning my days in JJ, i dont think i'm a faithful student.


hah, i've realise a thing, i'm more and more dependent on God man! when i was much much younger, i hardly pray, until Carol forces me to and i'm perfectly fine with it. but now, even when i don pray or read the bible a day, i'll think i've lost control over my life, it feels really helpless an lost! He's like the drug and i'm the drug addict, or cigratte to a smoker! i dont think i can ever live happily without Him.

i finally realised this "it not God who needs me, but i need Him!"

JJ Prom 2009

Just had my prom yesterday. although it wasnt as boring as what eeling had discribed, but i thought it was still kinda disappointing sas we didnt manage to go out after it. since prom is to have FUN!

i took numerous photos, my mouth was acheing from smiling and i could see stars from those flashes. haha.

anyway, i'm gonna miss my JC friends and all the abrupt memories i had with them. LOL.

MJ Zone Day Camp 1

WOOHOO! went for MJ zone Day Camp1, it's really fun. (not physically though) i was really challenged at a few points when Ming Jin and Darryl shared abt reaching out to my campus and meeting the needs of others.



i really believe God has placed me in JJ for a mighty HUGE harvest that is on its way especially for the Prom Outreach, that i got to seriously pray and fast for it in order to hear directions from God. Cant wait for my classmates to become my new family members! =)