be satisfied

people come and go? yea? all she friends did. don know why, had this, "being used" feelings.

for the past few days, everything's alright. i mean, she's often left alone, but she don feel lonely at all, instead kinda satisfied with her life. though there were still little little problems, but they don hinder her at all. yea. maybe she've learnt, to be satisfied and also, because she knows that her heavenly father will be with her wherever she goes. at times, she will rank up the past too and she cant help, but to be a little emotional. she thought to herself that maybe she had trusted the wrong guy. including the person who knows her secrets. she was kinda regret for teling him. she shouldn't have told him. looking at her path of life, she feels that she's really filthy. she carried so much stains with her. it was her wildfulness that stained her and that she probably had to carry them with her for the rest of her life. however, she trusted the lord. the bibble says," if you confess, he is faithful to forgive you and to cleanese you from all the unrightousness." she told herself to have faith and wait. yea. maybe this is the only way that she can console herself to move on. and that's how she become satisfied.

the 2.4km run

it was kinda terrible. she felt tired after only less than a round. but depite of her tireness, she was determine to finish everything. yea. and she got 5th. though it was quite a good result for a girl, but she's not satisfied as it was not her fullest potential. she was quite sick today, as she hasn't recover from her past sickness and had a very bad running nose. she can hardly breathe after running 1 round. she nose was blocked and her windpipe. it was terrible. and she thought she would faint any moment. nah. but anyway, she will make sure seh break her own records next yr.

a good start

"yesterday is a history,
tomorrow is a mystery,
and today?
today is a Gift.
that's why we called it the present."

yea. it caught her eye while reading some self-improvement book and she thought it make some sense. thursday's audition was terrible. her disc was in the wrong format, so it was unable to play. so it was quite a blow to her. ha. so she's gonna sing with no music. after singing the first two sentences, she paused. she actually forgotten the lyrics!!! and all the audience there were laughing at her. oh man, how malu can this be? without finshing the song, she ran off. though it didnt turn out good, but she thought that it was a good memory. ha.

ytd after cg, she went fellowship with the other cg. jia hui bought a rubics cube and she was playing with it for the whole afternoon. it was kinda fun. and they all joked and say maybe this $1 thingy can entertain her for the whole month. ha. so stupid.

on her way home, she chatted with zhi yan and then he went to visit her bro. yea. she thought that they could get along quite well.she really wish that zhi yan could visit her bro often as her bro is not very sociable. yea.

an audition

oh man, the CHC ppl just call her ytd to inform her abt the audition. she has to go for a vocal solo audition, but she has only abt a day of preparation time. she hasn't even choose any songs!!! wat should she do man? she think this is really bad. later in the afternoon she'll be meeting up wif carol and meiyin for help. yea. ishe remember she wanna ask someone to go to watch her, but she just cant remember who... haiya..

just face it

sometimes she really cant face the fact that ppl come and go. she just cant accept that ppl wouldnt treat u as good if they no longer interested in u. many years ago, she had already realised it but maybe she nv really thought of it for very long, so eventually forget all abt it. but now, she start realising it again. many of her friends are like this, and they had left her. yea. and all of their reasons were the same-she's no longer important to them. why is ppl so realistic?

she had just meet up with some of her friends for dinner. she feels that this friend of hers is mentally unstable and he's trying to help others. i mean, how can a person who cant swim help a person who's drowning? so she think that he need to know. she tried to tell him this, indirectly, but he cant understand her, so she just tell him straight. but she thinks that her words were too "impactful" which might have hurt him.

she thinks she must have eaten the wrong things today. she was lecturing yanhan infront of others!! she knows that she had made him so embarrassed and he might not be as close to her after that, but this shall not made her change her thinking cos she only stand out for the truth. and b'cos she cares for him. if he don understand this, then she can assured that he's immature. and also, she really didnt like it.

yea. mature? let talk abit abt it. it's just some title ppl put on you, she thought. actually no one is mature as this word is just used as an opinion from ppl. some may think you are while others are not. as different ppl have different views and opinion. yea. so u don have to put it to hard. no one is mature in this world and the mature ppl others is talking abt are just sensible. able to understand their surroundings well. yup.

oh, kenneth's online now. had kenneth forgive her? she wonders. all these while she really feel so bad abt him. so sorry. she long wanted to say it to him personally and talk things clear, but she didnt have the chance. actually she still miss him and will often think of him. she really hope that he will still miss her.

she's really so empty. she thinks she need some hugs. she miss those hugs which have touched her. she especially miss that man who's the first person who have hugged her. that was when she's in sec1. she was crying and he used his big and gentle hand to held her head, and place it on his broad and comfortable chest then held her warmly. she was crying in his arms. she felt so touched. probably the most touching thing that had ever happen in her life yea. she just miss that.

kinda sad

nah.. just finish after some sports rite now. it's been weeks since she last excercise and now, she feel abit of life again. sports is her life and that time she just runaway from it. because she don noe who is she is. and was very disappointed with herself. basically, she's just someone who runaway from the things which make her disappointed. she's kinda coward.

easter's really great, she thought. it really brought her closer to god and the rest. and guess wat, many was saved that day and one of them is her friend. she feels so guilty for being so irresiponsible as she never went to fetch that friend personally. though this is so, but god is a good god, he answered her prayers as she had been praying abt salvation. god really loves ppl, he must have been overjoyed to see many getting save. she feels happy too as some scenes flashes through her mind. it is abt the scene when her friend, samuel told her that when a person was saved, it's just like a new bulb being lighted up. so, if everyone get save, this world wouldnt have darkness and that day, god will return. yea. she remembered it so clearly. it really impact her. cos last time she really don understand why carol always working so hard, reaching out and that time she even ever mistook her. maybe many don understand why she's so close to samuel, and even ask her to stop seeing samuel at that time. but she knows, they just don understand. he really teach her many stuffs and most of all, make her really love god. yea. during the svc, she's really excited. she was dancing, singing and jumping. yea. the friend beside her did the same thing. she's none other than carol. haha. while watching the drama, tears just rolled down her eyes. she felt the pain. jesus' pain when he was crucified and that scene was so real. as if she was there to witness it.

yan han went too, but he never manage to watch the drama as they werent allow to get in. the svc was too packed. maybe it's not his time yet. but it's sure not a waste trip. they talk for hours just like in the past. yea. she told him everything. every single guilts and regrets. and all she wrong doings. it really remind her of many ppl, and some she really miss... and one of them is lun. so, she tried to called lun, but no one answered. yea. maybe it's fate. and after her svc, she remembered that she wanted to talk to lun, but by then, she didnt have the courage. lun is the other that she had hurt so deeply. they didnt contact for almost 2yrs. maybe to him, she's just some irresponsible girl who just come and go without a word, who forgets all abt him when she went secondary school and only will look for him when she was hurt by someone who she really care. yea. she treated him like a dirt and that time, she didnt even notice it. but when she grew older and sensible, she really regreted it. regret for not cherishing him. but everything seems too late right now. so she don even bother to give him a call.

some life thing

was kinda cork up with life lately... she was so stress for the past few weeks. yea. this is the reason to her slow recovery. for the past few days, she kept thinking abt some deep stuffs which seem kinda boring and crappy to everyone. she was searching for herself, and in the end, she was stuck in it. she kept asking herself, why isnt she feeling excited with stuffs? she became kinda numb.

she was cork up with wat she really wants. guess dat many in this world werent sure of it too. it's the lack of happiness. everyone was fighting so hard in life just to succeed. to succeed in things that will make them happy. yea. but happy not equals to hapiness. happy is just for that moment. it make ppl feel satisfied, but at the same time it blind them and make them insensitive too... it is quite similar to happiness, but yet very different. happiness have to do with love. the powerful weapon. yea. because love is involved, it make happiness real. yea. this sound so boring huh? but yea, it's very important to her. these made her grow up.

and in the process of searching, she had realised something. dat period, dat softball period was just happy. it isnt wat she's searching for. it didnt reach happiness, not even somewhere near. and happy doesnt last. it didnt involve love so it's nt wat she wants. her friend told her this,"to fear love is to fear life" yea. kinda impactful. she fears to love. and this is the prb.

she realised that all her friends around seem so surface. a call or a gift is love? they all think this way. this is so shallow. no, man. she still care and she have a reason for everything. she's not trying to push all the blames on others, but yea, she had reasons and ppl just don understand. as how many will really spend time with her, sit down and listen to her? they said that will be there for her and stuffs like dat, but how many really mean it or will meet it? and most of the time they didnt really mean it. they said it out of sympathy. just wanna encourage her. how many will really understand how crazy she can be if she really loves? and she expects dat kinda crazy friend. belle is the friend dat she really needed. nah, others out there, she still loves u, but she was just looking for a soulmate. ha.

she thinks carol is very special to her. she thinks they start to have some bond and she really cherish her. (wonder how she will feel after knowing it?) maybe she isnt the one xueni's looking for, but she place an important part in xueni's heart. maybe they share something common, it's dat they had a heart for god and ppl. they really love ppl. yea.

her unreaveled truths

oh man, wat a sad thing to know dat, dat guy whom xueni just got to noe wasnt in her cg. he gave an excuse like he wasnt very comfortable in the cg. after knowing it, she felt a little down but she's still so determine to serve god fervently and continue fellowshiping wif the other members. she wrote him a letter ytd thinking dat it might be the potion to the growth of their friendship or stuffs like dat, but in the end, it became the end of the friendship... she doesnt wanna end it this way, so 10 mins ago, she called him which turned out to be a disappointing one. i mean, she wants to cherish him, and she thought that he wants to cherish her too as he said something like, "i wanna make xueni my lifelong friend". she was so touched upon knowing it and was so determine dat she will a make super duper gd lifelong friend to him, but it just turned out this way. this is so disappointing man! he actually didnt mean wat he said. and do u noe wat, she really hopes to see him again and that's the reason why she was so nasty to him the other time. she wish to see him again. she was just being unreasonable to herself. she was just acting tough. and guess wat, he might not noe the truth forever man...

she missed coach. she's still keeping her promise but she thinks dat he had long forgotten abt it. she msg him ytd. she just wanna noe his well beings, but he wasnt very friendly. so, as u noe xueni's character, she replied something wasnt very nice and he just stopped replying after dat msg. she didnt mean it. really. but he was really too nasty to her dat she thinks dat he should be thaught a lesson for not treating xueni well. haha.

she wonders how's ed. they haven been talking for weeks. she have read his blog and disagrees to it man!! it's not dat! it's not wat he thinks man!! he just don understand. many times, it's not dat xueni has new friends and forgets all abt him. no!! it's not dat. she still remembers him. the guy who nv stops worrying abt her and will always be there for her. she wants to be with him too, but just somehow she felt dat ed's rejecting her, and she's not dat thick-skinned. she always feels dat they are frm different worlds and shouldnt be together. nv in her imginations. she felt pressured whenever she's with him, so to aviod dat awkwardness, she will talk non-stop. she just nv tell him her prob as she thought it wasnt a very nice thing to say. she thought he understands that it's not dat she doesnt wanna spend more time wif him or not around when he needs her, it's dat she don know wat to do. how to face him. how to console him and stuffs like dat. she's feeling the same way with yanhan and aisah too. she just don noe wat to do with them. and b'cos of this prob she had wif them, it was like destroying their friendship. but things starting to turned gd, she thought. she had told aisah of her prob and she so glad dat aisah understands. she still loves aisah. aisah, I LOVE U!! haha.

nxt wk is the easter wk and she was told to bring a new friend. immediately, yanhan's name flashes through her mind. he's the no.1 choice. ha. she's working on their fadding friendship rite now. she doesnt wanna end the friendship just like dat man. he's such a nice guy that she doesnt wanna miss him. ha. so she will try her best and whenever she could, she will spend time with him. and that's her method of cherishing him. yea.

sick again

on wed, xueni found out from her friend that she was banned to go to watch anymore softball matches. she felt so depressed and kinda sad that she fall sick again. she had just recover from the old sickness which was caused by also softball a week ago and now, she sick again. and this time, it's too, abt softball.

recently, she get to noe this guy from her church. he was so clumpsy and blur. on the first day they met each other, was at her church. he's sitting beside her. during the praise and worship period, as she was swinging and dancing with the music, she knock on to him for abt more than 20 times and there were twice, a hard one. he too, when he was trying to sit down, he accidently elbow her, so hard. and he kept telling her sorry.

on the next day, her friend carol called her and ask her to "reach out" to that guy. she don even know his name and she just called him. she wants him to go for her cg. she was so unreasonable to him. she claimed that he knock on to her so many times but the fact is that she was the one. ha. she know that she was being unreasonable, but that's wat xueni is famous for too. she was so unreasonable that he had no choice, but to agree with her that he will be going for the next week.

ytd he kept his promise, he came to church. this is the second time they met. and the atmosphere was kinda weird. she felt a slight awkward when she saw him. maybe it because she was too fierce to him on the phone the other time. she thinks he was quite fearful of her as he refused to sit beside her. but in the end, he was sitting beside her. during the praise period, he stepped on her leg twice. she thinks he probably out for revenge. haha. and after the praise and worship, then, they are allowed to sit down. and because she so sick ytd, she fell asleep a few times. and this it kinda weird, every time she dowz off, her head will just fall towards the side where he was sitting and he will just move away from her. ha. he probably just scared of her. haha. and when pst start preaching, she started dowsing off again. and when she woke up, she found herself lying on his shoulder!! to avoid the awkward atmosphere, she act as if she's still sleeping, and slowly move her head away. he is quite caring. she's always so mean to him, and every time will find sorts of ways to bully him, but ytd after knowing that she's so sick, he never move his shoulders away like wat he usually will do. though he's so clumpsy, but she never dislike him, but instead, he left a good impression.

alone or lonely

today, she approached ed. this is probably one of the few times she will do such a thing. and there seem to be a sign of awkard. why? she wonders. xueni had been thinking of it for the whole weekend and this is the result. she told herself dat she will give up everyone, including belle for ed, but it's too late.. ed just gave her a cold look. and for dat moment, she just burst out. why? she's not those weak girls? nah, her heart's too heavy.

she is back to her old self again she thought. she hardly talk to anyone, and the smile on her face seem to be reducing. why?? after an incident on last thurs. she met a pervert on a bus which change her life? this reminds her of the past experiences again and all her fears. she missed belle. really. every morning she will try to take the same bus as her. though belle is cold towards her, but to xueni, she just wanna watch her. and it's only in the morning when they take the same bus then, she could be able to be so close to her.

now, even yanhan gave up on xueni. he didnt talk to her. they haven been talking for 4 days and it seems like weeks to her as yanhan is her only friend, but she thinks dat she will be losing her only frined soon too. why? why? she keep losing all her friends? ahe really feel so helpless abd lonely. like, even one day if she disappears in this whole, no one would really bothers, or worse, no one noticed. she had became so negative abt life. the cheerful and positive girl had pass away fromj the day that incident took place. for the past 4 months, she's just trying hard, struggling with all these. fears, loneliness, sadness, phobias... she needs someone, but who will be there for her? she looked around, no one seems to be there. she's all alone. coach? he promise her that he will be there, but he's the first one to leave her. and then everyone. they just abandon her. leaving her in the darkeness....

Back to Self

nowadays, xueni realise that ed doesnt really like to spend time wif her. she felt quite helpless. the other time, she went ed's blog and saw a girl left a message in his chat box. she felt quite sour for a moment. xueni wonder why ed noe her?? so the next day, she tease him and he gave her a 'stop being irritating' look. though xueni don wan to get herself emotionally attached, and that she don have any other special feelings for ed other than friends, she just don like it. she don like ed to talk to other girls. ha. but ed probably just don understand and start to find xueni irritating. ed had been wif her through the darkest days of her life and she probably just don wanna let him go. but wat can she do? she cant do much but to stay at a corner alone, crying alone, live on alone.

recently, xueni had to encounter several prob in her life at the same time. they all just happened all at a time that she cant really handle. at first, she sturbornly refuse to get any help, but now, she know that she needs someone there for her, to rely on, but no one seems to be there for her. then, she start thinking abt belle.

Lost & Found - password

yea!!! finally, after so long, i manage to get into my blog!!! i so blur, i actually forget my password!! then i hav like two long 'essay' wanted to update dat time. the 1st one it's abt kenny, han and aisah. and the second one is all abt kenny. ha. but it's useless now i guess, so jus forget abt it. oh ya, Hi everyone!! xueni's back!!!

Recently xueni's sch had organised a softball camp for all members on last sat. The teacher-in-charge are super bias, they don allow the girls to stay overnight. Wat the!!!! i mean, it's camp?!!!! and they gave a stupid reason-very little girls going, so they don want to waste time book a room for them. wat the!!! den wat do they take them for?? xueni knew dat earlier, and was so disappointed to hear dat. but she don care, she was planning to hide herself from the teachers. she was expecting coach to support her, but the coach gave her attitude den she was so angry, so when out of the sch wif han and kai liang without informing anyone. this is one of the few times, xueni's so irresponsible. they went out for 45 mins and returned only after the coach rushed them to be back. when they returned, they saw the teacher standing there watching the team running around the quadrangal shouting, 'we are a team, we must takt care of each other!' seeing them being punished, xueni felt a hard pain on her chest. she felt it. she wasn't blamed. but she felt dat she should be running too, cos her team's running, her family's running, so she ran, as much. mrs khoo tried to stop her, but u know, xueni's famous for her stuborness and prideful character, she didnt really bother. she stopped eventually after knowing mrs khoo wanted to make yan han and kai liang run double. they had a long talk and finally, xueni had decided to quit the team. she's really sad to leave. she told herself nt to cry, and the next day, she fall sick.

she had a high fever. she's so sick dat she cant move at all. despite of this, she kept thinking abt the team and the camp. abt their well beings. she was expecting messages. she's expecting yan han and coach to give her a consoling msg or wat, but none of them did. and the whole day, her phone didnt even ring once. on the next day, she heard dat coach was very angry wif her, he thinks dat xueni is abusing his authority. wat the!!!! is xueni so powerless dat she needs to use others power?? she's nt dat kinda person. and she reply to it heartlessly. so said she don really care, he's nothing to her and dat he cant affect her mood. actually she knows, she's only being stuborn. in her, she's so disappointed. she thought of the whole world, other than yan han, coach is the only person dat willl understand. but instead he's the biggest culprit who mistook her...

now dat coach isnt around, xueni actually felt abit nt used. she's quite dependen on him. she missed him a little too. but she will nt forgive him. cos how can he mistook her?!! of the whole world, how can he mistook her??!! she's really disappointed...

my NEW blog!!!

yea. super cool! i've longed to creat a blog, but i always don have the time. now dat i'm like so super excited to capture every single moment man! yea. today's great! i'm getting another step closer to my goal. ya. i went to meet up wif kenny today and it's like GREAT!! ytd i was so stressed up by the conversation wif him. but wif much patience, determination & perserverance, i did something to this frenship and he opened up up me. i meet him up to hav lunch together. as usual, he wuld talk to me non-stop abt his gf. usually i'll hav difficulties consoling him as he will nv listen to them. but today's different. me and carol prayed abt it for 5mins and i think it works man!!! i spoke words dat hit him hard, i think? at the end of our conversation he tried to say things to touch me i think? no la, 'm not trying to sae he like me but i just feel weird. ha. he sae "don worry, if u feel dat u need to talk to someone, u can always look for me" and things like dat. i don really remember.

ED will be my classmate for 4yrs. we've been classmate for 2yrs but we only got really close when THAT happened. he's the first one i turned to. b'cos i'm meeting him dat day, so by concidence, i open up to him. he have always been there but i just don notice. at times i really feel dat i'm super slow. he's always ther doing this and that for me, but i don think i've done much for him or try to understand him until today. i've read his blog and was very sad but the same time touched by him. i really feel so guilty for not trying to understand him and sad dat he's unhappy. i'm so touched by his words. he nv stops worrying abt me and will constantly be there. till now, i den realised that i'm like so self-centered. i kept thinking of patching up wif her and nv really spend time wif him for the past few weeks. he said dat he wanted me and her back but at the same time he think dat he'll probably feel lonely if i was to be wif her. he's also wooried if they will treat me well if i'm back. tht's him. the guy who constantly worry abt me. so during the night i msg him. telling him abt how grateful i am. but i don think he understands why it was sent to him. he gave me a cold reply. we haven been talking to each other for days and it's like don noe how many million yrs to me. i think he forget abt me. i start to realise dat i should realli cherish him and our frenship. so, im gonna do something abt it!

carol busy wif her MISSION again. noe is like super late but she's still working dilligently. i worship her man. she nv stops working and is forever busy. she's so hardworking and committed to church. she had jus finished wrapping all the A3 size cards wif plastic bags. she's so funny, laughing at the air bubbles in the plastic bags and is playing wif it. she's my closes church member.but i treat her more than just member, but one of the closes fren too.

now, i'm back to the old self, -emotional. troubling wif the thought that abt whether i can overcome the fears that the incicent had brought me and that if i can lead my life normally. my everyday is all surrounded by all these fears which eventually make me an anti-social person. i anted to change, to be strong , to face and overcome it, but it's tough. i simply just cant get over it and i noe this is wat that's affecting me much. looking at a brighter side, i've realised that i'e overcome much too in some areas. so i tell myself, i'm going to use my past experiences to help those ppl that needed me. now, im reaching out to two person. one of them is kenny, tthe guy that i mentioned earlier. he's my softball coach and i came to noe him only recently when i joined softball as my second cca. after the 1st training i was waiting for edwin to go home together but that edwin was long at home, so i was walking to the 15 bus stop, waiting for the bus. as i was waiting, i saw kenny walking towards me. he approached me and we talked. at dat time i was quite uncomfortable as u noe, i'm normal, i cant talk to strangers, i'll get super nervous and scared. then, we exchanged our numbers. i thought by exchanging numbers, i could stop the conversation, but i as wrong. he's such a gd talker and just simply cant stop. he invited me to have dinner wif him, so i just followed. he was talking non-stop and me? i just kept quiet. i think i'm probably too quiet, cos for noe moment, he just stop talking. but another conversation was brought up again by him after abt 2-3 mins. after the dinner, he sent me home. on our way back, i ask he why he just stop talking just now. he told me that it's b'cos i was too quiet that he had nothing to say. ya. so that's him.