i'm never the same

i have been transformed and i knew that. i can feel that in my heart. it's God. well, the friend that i've mention in my last posting have reconciliated with me. yea. praise the lord.

i will not feel insecure or unworthy anymore as i know, my greatest value is my value to God. and my father in heaven is consistent, he will love me unconditionally despite what's my past, what i've did. since i repented, he will forgive me. he loves me.

returning to church is a great challenge for me and of cause my time. but my catholic teacher have really been a great "discipler" to me. teaching me how to prioritise between studies and church. though i still is not very good at it and not coping too well, but i know God is watching over me and carrying me on his back. Faith, is the engine and God is the strength. the activities in church were 'overwhelming' me. and this means that i will have very little time to study. i don even have the time to sleep. i'm really worn out. there are days whereby i just fell asleep suddenly in the afternoon or evening and woke up the next day morning, without knowing it. this is really hard, but there is not a second that i'll complain or regret serving him or walking this walk. i just want to be so close to him. to enter into the highest level of intimacy with him. i just want to be so close to him. i love jesus.

ya, returning to church had drawn me away from Han. i wonder how is he? i think we are so far apart now. the last time i can at least guess what's on his mind,but now, i think we somehow lost this connection. guess that he will never understand my love for God and therefore not understand me. hmm, but whatever it is, Han's position in my heart will never change. i've even placed him in my priorities card. lol.

oh ya, my CG is disbanded. this means that all of us will be seperated soon. i wil miss all of them. yup. and that silly irritate idiotic Yue Ze too. haha. i cherishes all of them, Candice, John, KK, Joey, keith, Hui Ting, Xiu Li, Shawn, Sam, Carmen, Samuel. and probably yue ze will have the greatest impact on me because i have not been treating him well and i think i've really let him down. lol. he is just starting to taste some "sweetness" from me and then we must be separated. i have just start to really cherish him. haha. maybe he's just so 'suai' lol.

A two weeks friend

the friend i've made two weeks ago, i've lost it...

i've hurt him. hmm, i've always been a nuisance to him. i'm mean and nasty to him. i had never pay attention to what he'd told me and think it's rubbish. i ask him out on a particular day and left him all alone walking behind, following me. though we often chat on the phone, but i don even know what i've said. basically i think i'm just talking crap to him all these while, trying to get entertained and irritate him. he's just the new target for me to disturb. despite this, he had been listening to my nonsense patiently. he treats me really well, but i treated him like a dirt. whenever i know that he's trying to talk to me, i would close my eyes, letting him to think that i'm taking a nap, but actually is that i don want to talk to him. i don even want to hear his voice. i don know why, the sight of him just irritate me. furthermore, i would just make a big fuss when i think he made a mistake but in fact, it wasnt even a mistake. this is just how nasty i am to him. and that idiot, just stupidily, allowing me to bully him?!! silly fool.

i knew he should be treated better. but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. attitude, cool, numbed are just words to describe the daily me and i'm just those type who will treat you worse the more i care for you. yea. i got to admit this, i care for him and cherish him. though this is so, i will never tell him. never! care and concern don need words to be shown. at least for me? i think so. this is just the way i care.

also, i don wish to be too close to him. maybe it's more of fears. i've made a promise to myself which will probably last for a year. i don wish to get emotionally attached. i fear this friendship would grow into something more. so i'm just trying to prevent disasters from happening. i don wish those stupid chemical reactions in the brain (infactuations/ affections) to spoil the friendship and i know it's not the time yet. moreover, i'm still waiting for the day whereby i return to look for Uncle and talk things clear. i still miss Uncle. and i don want to "betray" him. i still hope to care for my Uncle. also, i'm trying hard to stop him from invading into my past, my privacy and my heart. maybe i'm just too ashame to let him learn about it.

i know i've hurt him badly and these are not very acceptable reasons for me to end this friendship. still, i will do it if i were to be given another chance. i know very well what i'm doing. i know he's hurt and disappointed. but i would rather him beind hurt and disappointed for a few days than him being more wounded in the future when he gets to know the real me. i know he will get over it soon.

i'm sorry my friend, because i cherishes you, so i left.

appreciation night-29/12/06

yea. at the party, we are asked to dressed according to our cell group's theme. and my group's theme was nerd!! haha. on the day itself, i went to look for a fake set of teeth which i spend 3hours searching for that place.

when we are all dressed up, my members first gather at the corridor outside the multi-purpose hall at bayshore pak. there came this guy whose name, yue ze. at that moment, i was thnking, "hmm, this guy are not dressed up?" he just merely wear a blouse. when he saw me, i guess he was shock rather than surprise. and that guy just tuck in his blouse and thinking that it look really nerd.haha. i mean, how silly can he be? then i came into a conclusion, personally, he definitely is a nerd. lol.

SL camp

yea. just came back from camp on monday morning, sunday midnight. lol. it was the service learning camp and she was going there as a facilitator.

her instructor is a guy. he's timothy. the first impression he gave her wasnt really good. she thought he's really childish and playful. so she didnt talk much. during the debriefing tim said that she's too quiet.

on the second day, she became really crazy. she misses the camp. it was really fun.

actually, what she wanted to blog very much is about how much she wished to meet tim. how sad, she was told by the other leaders that they cant exchange contacts as it was the policy. though he can be really playful at times, but he's certainly not. there's sometimes she cant help imagining about having a partner like tim. what will it be? lol. but she's so definite that she doesnt like him. she just wish to get to know this cheerful guy who really had brightened up her life. nah, never mind. she believes in fate, so don worry she told herself, if it's all predestined, they will definitely meet again. yea.

Halloween

Coincidence

she no longer fantasise about Uncle. but she cant deny that she misseshim. she will still, often be reminded of him. thinking about him, she started realising something surprising.

about a year ago, she cant remember the exact date, but she is certain that it was last year,she went to Fisherman with Mar and Lynn. Lynn was all excited with her friends as it was her previous workplace. Lynn was introducing her friends and xueni started noticing this man. he looks short, but somehow she was attracted by his back-view. he was standing a distance away from her.

now, recalling it, she realised that that man she saw might be Uncle, or rather, she thinks it's him. it's the same person. oh, is this what people are saying-FATE? if that's the case, can she be assured that they will meet again despite that Fisherman will be closing in this coming sunday and that meansthere's no way for her to see him again. yea. suddenly, she was reminded of a phrase in her compo. she wrote about Uncle too. "other than his name and workplace, she know nothing about this man." yea. that's what she wrote. anyway, he already has a girlfriend.

the irony here is, now, she wish that fate can really bring them back, but at the same time, she dont as she feared that by the time they were brought back together, she will no longer desires him. is this love, or just an affection? whatever it is, she is sure that it will fade away, ya?

if it was fate that brought us together,
then why is it drawing us away too?
is it a ment to be,
or just another prank?
if it was a prank, i will say
i'm not fit for it
cause i've fallen in it and started sinking, drowning
then, you are telling me to get out, it's just a joke.
he was just a stranger before.
one that shouldnt be entering my life,
not appearing in my memories.
but what a big joke you had brought to me,
distrupting my peaceful life,
get me all corked up.
this time round,
i think i've really fallen and drown.

family

Heartache

can i say that a new chapter has started now? yea. things have ended, but the fact, the truth she must really admit to herself is that she still cant let go of "her" Uncle.

she's no longer working due to a big scene her sis had created on last sunday. nah, she didnt actually blame on Mar, but just that, ya, there's one lesser reason for her to get near to Uncle. for the past few days after that incident, she was kind of aggitated. she had a really bad control over her emotions. she really likes him. can you understand how serious she is? she thinks that Mar knows that this is really important to her and she's really fussy with this kind of things-relationships.

for this one whole year, she had been really careful. trying to protect herself, not getting hurt, not falling again. hence she had make a definite choice before anything happens and she thought this cant be wrong. she trusted that man so much.but he betrayed her trust? she really thought he felt for her too. at least a little. she always thought that. she don expect him to her too, neither did she expects anything back from him. she just want to continue this rare feeling of excitedment and happiness that he had got her. but even so, he refused to allow her to dote on him, to like him. even until now, she still will refuse to admit this, but she cant, as this had became a real fact.

scenes of Uncle and his girlfriend kept flashing in her mind. how she wish her mind is like a computer, then she could very brave and delete them, not allowing it to bother her. not at all. how can he treat her like this?! he said this before

Uncle:"no matter how empty and lonely i feel, i still want to remind single!"

isn't this what he said? seeing him so sweetly with his girlfriend, she still refuse to admit it. she was still telling herself that, "perhaps, perhaps he's just a close friend of my Uncle" yea. how gulible can she be? the worst part is that she got to admit it as she got to know it from their friend, directly at her face, telling her to give up. her heart was really heavy. her heart ache. this is no exaggarating. that disappointment, sinking, heavy feeling her heart is facing. can you understand?

Uncle, wen can she actually say bye bye? how can you be so carefree. disappointed. this is more of what she feels. Uncle, you betrayed her trust! looks like you don need her to dote on you as you had found your "her".

you're no longer my Uncle, you cant be anymore.

黑夜渗透了想念
偷不走微光闪现的千种画面
我背着伤痛离开
孤单拖着记忆支离破碎
原以为不会改变
眼泪在脸颊上干枯失去知觉
我的心挣脱了爱
跟随着夕阳埋进了海洋
为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷争
现实的翅膀扰乱了原本幸福的气氛
我有我的过错
我有我的疑惑
藏在面对面的折磨背后
为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空
随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动

an angel's birthday

ha. yesterday mon and xueni planned to give their "angel" a surprise. thiugh it didnt turn out that well in the beginning, but it's sure a memorable and touching wan.

in the beginning, han seen to be suspecting and stuffs. so this made her a little irritated. but later it went on smoothly with the help of han's mum. mon went to han's place first. xueni and joey den went up and hide in han's mum's room while han's bathing. the wait for han to finish his 30mins bath and den yup. he went into his room, they den knock his room. when he open his door,

"happy birthday!!" the three jump out and scream. ha.

she thinks he's touched. his mum too. everyone were really touched. for the first time, she thinks she'd finanlly done something great for him. yea. happy birthday, my angel.

the children's day

yea. let's first blog abt her birthday. basically it ended up more like a "04" gatering. but what ever it is, it sure was a memorable one for them.

why she say them? because she din't actually enjoy herself, instead, feeling really down that night. she saw her Uncle. the man. that man that she had planned long ago to be celebrating her special day with her. though it did nt turn out the way as she wished, but it's all expected. he wished her happy birthday. acting so claim and still as cool as ever. yea. nothing had happened. is this all that he'd used all these while to deceive himself, like what xueni did? oh man, where does all his assurance come from? can he give some to her to make her feel better? though han kept telling her that Uncle is not nice or stuffs, but she's just so assured that he likes her too. it's not all her wishful thinking this time. she's really definite that he feels for her. but maybe just some personal reasons, he can't accept it, not even to himself. what ever it is, she knows, he's not the man.

ok, her birthday? they just drank alot and get drunk? ya? but not her, of cause. she's just high. ha. yuan told her she snored when tey're taking a nap. arh.. of cause she beg them not to tell the others about her embarrassmoents. haha.

"04"-new chapter

yea. tomorrow is the day that she've been looking forward throughout this whole week. she'll be celebrating her birthday with her current "04" friends. they are a bunch of crazy mad dogs, but at the same time, truthful, real, sincere and they definitely have a genuine heart. actually is not her birthday that she's excited about, it's more of the funs and memorable period they might create. she thinks it will be a really crazy one.

thinking of the funs, she just can't help feeling a little down at the same time. should she feel down or happy? basically she'd planned long ago to look for Uncle at her workplace. she wished that he will be the one to celebrate this special day with her. but she knows, this is one of her wishful thinkings too.

ok, let's talk about something happy. she must really thank han for this bunch of friends he had brought her. yea. they really bring her much happiness and fun, especially yuan. he's the craziest guy among them. he's a little dotty, lunatic and funny. every of his actions will seem funny even when he din't actually try to make them laugh. though many may mistook him for his lunatic character, but he's a person that is really sincere to everyone and carries a genuine heart that she's talking about. can you belive this? because xueni really hated the stupid cigratte smell, so he decided to quit smoking for her as he thinks xueni had treated him very well. yea. well, she's touched. erm, more of surprised.

Brotherly Love

yesterday night when she's struggling so hard to force herself to study for her bio exam, her bro called. they started chatting and stuffs.

super weird, she actually told her bro everything. about her past experiences and the "secret" between Uncle and her. this is the first time she really thinks that her bro had "grown up". he showed maturity in the conversation man!! haha. surprisingly, when she told him about all, he didn't give much comments nor lecture her, instead, he was really patient and understanding. he told her not to worry about BGRstuffs right now as nature will take its course. also, he don think she's ready for all these. yea. that's what she thought too.

he also told her not to worry about money. he knows very well that she wanted to buy a notebook, and that's the main reason for her to step into society so early. but somehow, she thinks she gets alittle distracted and lost her sense of direction in life. the last time she can be really assured to tell you that she will be able to get back in track in the shortest possible time, but now.... she just don have these confident. anyway, her bro told her that he will try his best to fork in some money to get her a notebook, even if she doesnt pay a single cent.

yea. because she's not working right now, she giving herself a 'cold turkey' towards Uncle in order to continue the rest of the walk in life. this is one of the greatest challenges in her life as she thinks she is a really clear-minded person, but unfortunately, being killed in the relationship area. she's just too soft towards people. her bro told her that her the best point about her is that though she's naive and innocent, she doesnt get influence and go astray by others. yea. she really like what he said. it's a trust and faith that he puts on her and she really cherish that.

Bro:"i think you're really nice to people. like no matter how much hurt they
have got you into, you will definitely forgive them which is something
i won't."

yea. and this is really stupid. that's her weakest point. too emotional, always allowing emotions to have control over her. what ever it is, her bro just end by telling to really realy bear in mind this two:

1. your main task now is to study hard and beat all the stupid bitches in your class.
2. after acheiving no.1, work really hard for notebook.

yea. he told her to be really focus. this time round, she really felt the brotherly love and was actually very touched. "kor, thank you."

Uncle, bye bye.

She have been working at Pasir Ris for about a month's time and ya, she noticed her involvement in some things had changed her completely. she had became super miserable and lost. She knows that's not the way that she'll be leading her life, not even this minute! Hence she prayed really hard to break this bondage. She rebuke this in Jesus' name!

Ok, how should she start? Hmm, as she had been consistantly working at that place, she became kind of "popular" there, as many really dotes on her, hence she grow to like that place. You know, when you really like a place, you'll always go there.

It's a place whereby you'll be "easily wander off" if you devotes to it. yea. In the beginning she's so confident that she would not, but proven, she's wrong. So wrong. She noticed this guy there and grew a special feeling for him. At that point of time she knows that it's not love, not even like, but just that she thinks he's different from the others. Good impression?

During her September holiday, she worked everyday, as a result, she'll be seeing him daily and things started to change between them. People starts to notice the deep secret between the both of them. She guessed he likes her too? People started to tease them. yea. Now she really believes that there's no secret in this world. There's definitely a person who can see through it. Ok, anyway, they started this teasing thingy and this made the both of them realised and were really clear about their feelings towards one another.

On wednesday night, they were working too. She asked him to keep her phone for her. When she's going back, she remembered that she have to get it back, but the driver uncle that drives her back was rushing her, so she didn't bother to get it. After his work at about 2/3am, he called, telling her that her phone is still with him. So the very next morning, she went to his place to meet him.

They chat awhile and after knowing he has a dog, she wanted to go up to have a look at it. You know, xueni really loves dogs. When she got up, his dog 'rushed' and cling on her. Maybe she's just not metally prepared, she was actually afraid of this little one! So he asked her to get into his room.

In his room they chatted and she then realised he's 9years her senior. Ok, that's not the point. She became alittle sleepy as she haven't been sleeping last night, so he ask her to sleep beside him. Of course she didn't!! But after about an hour of showing her stuborness, she can't take it she fell asleep at his bed just beside him. He's really nice, he put a pillow between them.

yea. It's after that day, she knows it well that she really fell. She likes him, very very much! She didn't want to admit this to herself because she always thought that wouldn't get involved with this kind of things. At least not now, you see. So the next day, she "don't dare" to go for work. In the end, she still went down. but not for work, for a drink because she just can't stand not see him. Margaret went, Jimmy(Mar's friend), Vincent(jing xiang's friend) and Jing Xiang!!! yea. she hasn't been seeing xiang for almost 2years so she was kind of excited.

Ok, she drank alot and got herself "drunk". When she's unconcious, she went around looking for Uncle(it's the guy that she likes. she calls him that because he's so 'old'.) That's what Margaret told her. Ok, the point is that, she's really miserable, that's why she went for a drink. she felt that is Uncle just playing with her? What is xueni to her? Just some other girl to fulfill his needs and play around with? She don't get it. Guess that after that night, she thinks Uncle should know how much he have hurt her because xueni is not those girls who will go for a drink. i mean ya, perhaps in the past, but for this one year, she has been really discipline.

Ok, this carries on and on. She'll try many sorts of ways to "numb" herself up to keep away from the "danger" daily in order to not think of him and get herself so messed up. haha. But this is not the way!!! And that's it! she can take it no more!! She went up to him and ask.

Uncle:"You're too young."

Then? I mean, if really he thinks she's too young, then he shouldn't be involved with her in the first place!! Han told her "he's just fooling you!". Whatever it is, she still likes him. In fact it grew everyday. She don't understand. What is he trying to say?

Everyday, she carries this heavy "cant be revealed" deep secret with her. Her heart gains weight by seconds. yea. People is right, 'Love is blind'. She became so stupid and brainless. There's once she waited for him the whole night at the void deck at his flat. He didn't turn up. so she went up to his house and guess what? she saw his shoes!! And that mens, she had been waiting the whole night for no one!! Stupid.

she became so obsesed with this. she just wants to stick to him like a super glue. this made him rejects her even more. he gets so irritated by her. and just yesterday, she just lied to him that she has no where to go and expects him to accompany her. and then you know, it a N.O!

so she didn't give up, she called him and "pester" him again. he made it really clear and harsh. ya. she's hurt. but it's ok. this made her so determined to 'let it go'. she remember what pastor said, pray. so she prayed, after so long of not 'communicating' with God.

she cried. tears just kept running out of her eyes. she cried out to God to take him away. yea. the presense of God was so strong and she knows she never the same. she's still isn't very sure if the feeling is still there, but one thing she's really clear about is that she's longer "obsesed" with it and she feel so much lighter. she no longer wants to 'stick' to him. but she has to make a crucial decision on if she should continue with her work. perhaps just stop for a couples of weeks or so?

she really hates herself when she fall in love. she'll just do things stupidily which is not what she will do. she's a person that is so clear of what is to be done and not. in other words, she thinks she's discipline. so she never want to fall in love and she thought she have always been controlling herself well. she's really disappointed with herself.

the last time she didn't want to let go of this it's because she wants to dote on Uncle. show him some love? because she knows Uncle is leading a miserable life. he's so lonely and helpless though he did not say. but now, it's none of her business. i mean, she'll show love to him in a different way? and also, this is the first time she is so serious about a guy. yea. so she don't wish to end it just like that. she even had to thought of having him as a life partner. but this is all her wishful thinking. maybe that stranger she met on that day when she waited for him the whole night was right. "if he's yours, he will be. but if he's not, just be it."

"ok. so Uncle, i'm telling you now, i don't know if i still likes you, but i won't say i'll try so hard to forget you because this is impossible and i'm just deceiving myself if i say so. but i will just let it go. i know, if you are the one that my father in heaven has placed in my life, you will return and be mine. yea. Uncle, bye bye."

Have faith

the end of year exams are coming, she don know if she can make it as she'll be woking and she doubt that she will have the time to revise. during her september holiday, she'll be working at 9-5 at paya lebar then 6-11 pasir ris. she alittle worried now. but she knows, god is a good god, he will definitely give her strength.

on wed, she and her aunt make some dumplings. this reminds her of belle. once, belle went to her house to learn to make dumplings too from her aunt. yea. she remembered they had lots of fun. though she was often being remined of belle, but she had given up. she just don bother anymore.

today, she'd receive a file from poh, her closest teacher. it's all the schools that she wish to transfer to. yea. perhaps after her exams, she'll be calling up the schools. she was really puzzled. the guy who ask her to stay doesn't seem to be doing anything to save the situation. she knows, maybe at that point he just said it to make her feel alittle wanted. he doesn't mean it. whatever it is, she don want to bother. she really doesnt want to hinder him anymore. she's just satisfied with what she have now. her family, friends,her life. but not her studies. ha.

after carol had gone overseas, she felt alittle empty. ha.yea, let's talk about something happy, she dyed her hair!!! it looks really, "wow"!! super bright. oh man, how is she gonna go to school?!! ha.

just to let you know

recently, she had benen holding two jobs. yea. it's breen really busy for her but fortunately she made it for most of her tests.

last week, there's 13tests. and she manage to get 2B3s and the rest A1s. yea. praise the lord!! actually, she don really have much to blog about, she just wants to let everyone know that she's fine.

To Han:
no matter how rootten you think you are, or others think of you, just remember what she told you now. you're special. she has faith in you. she knows you does things for a reason. so jia you foryour exams!!

To Ed:
she thinks she'd send you a wrong message the other time. sorry. remember what you told her? you ask her to wait till your band split. now, seeing you and your friends, she doubt that that will happen and she don blame you. so, just carry on with your own life and need not bother about her.

To Carol:
yea. just enjoy yourself. she don think no one cares for you. she cares for you. really! she just wants to tell you that, maybe she's not your really really close friend, nor the one that you will turn to, but she really cherishes you.

To Sis:
hey dude! stop being negative. she thinks you're just feeling empty in life. and bear in mind that, this is life. and it's all these that made your life more interesting, isnt it? don worry about her, she's coping fine. and, yea, she thinks she should let you know this, she called that "jerk". she feels much lighter after talking to him. she feels really "shiok" after scolding him like mad. haha. and also, she wont mixed around with the bad companies at fisherman. please have faith in her.

Super thick-skinned freak

yesterday when she go to work, she heard from her bro, Xiang that this guy whose name, Patrick, asked my bro,

Patrick: "hey your sis like me arh?"

Xiang: "no la! my sis wont like you want lah. moreover, she have better taste!"

yea. after knowing this, she was really irritated. she really don like this kind of childish rumours and most importantly, she doesnt want to have anything that got to do with guys that she doesnt want to. probably other than those few that she's ok with, she hated boys!! so she cant stand Patrick's nonsense and she called that super thick-skinned freak.

"what did you say?!"

Patrick: "what i say?"

"why you anyhow tell the others i like you? please la, don think too much."

Patrick: (getting loud)"what?! i think you are the one that don think too much la! you think i'll like you?!"

"i didn't say you'll like me! it's you who say i like you!"

Patrick: (speaking loudly, but she don remember what he've said)

"why are you so loud?! you think you loud i can't is it? (vulgarities) what?!"

yea. then as you know, Patrick just hung up. stupid, how can anyone be so thicked-skinned? oh man, how is she supoosed to faced he today when working?

oh ya, today's probably her last day(if not, next week)! she's quitting. but she's sure that she's gonna miss 'ah ming'. yea. she really like that freak. he's really so special. and she knows, though he appear as so 'bo charp', but he's really a very sincere person, and really wish to cherish him. she really wants to have him as her friend, bt she cant possibly go to him and say, "can you be my friend?" right? hmm, God, i just pray to you now, don ever take this gift away.

Message to all

it's been 2days. she hadn't been going to school for 2days. guess that many may think that she's slack and stuffs like that, but she knows very well that she just needs to take a break. yea. how long does she have to rest? hmm, this, she isn't sure, but soon? hopefully.

she wonders how her classmates felt? though peter said they're worried but she knows very well that peter's just consoling her. never mind. for this period, this resting period, just allow her to rest really well for her future's long tough journey and when she returns, she's no longer the same. she promised! she'll be stronger. even if in the future she falls again, she'll assured you that she'll get back on track in a shortest possible time.

during this period, she'll be searching for herself. her real self. and probably if possible, let go. she don know if she can do it and she's sure that it'll be really tough but she's willing to try. yea. perhap he isn't doing very well too? once she heard from her teacher that he was struggling too. like, he kept asking weird stuffs. so, he's probably still in his temptations. (but please, don hurt anymore innocent people!). and, i tell you, don ever try it on your sister anymore!! God, please send your angels to guide that siblings heart. allow them to sin no more!

recalling what had happened, she remembered that ed scolded him filthy. thinking of it, actually she's filthy too. in the beginning, she had tried to forgive him. really. but what he've done later hurts her even more. he doesn't sense any guilt at all. he just sellf-centredly care for his own well beings. when he learns that she reported, he message her things like, "why did you say? i thought you promised that you wouldn't report?!!" oh man! why are you so self-centred? how can you be it?

do you know what, she really feel so insecure. like, many people are gonna know it. also, she just kept remembering that scene. how helpless she was.she knows, all these while she's just being too shut down. she's so afraid of getting hurt that she don even want to try. so confuse! she's just so confused right now.

sympathy. please don ever use it on her. she don need it. she don want it either! yea. indeed, Rahmah has a great impact on her with the words she used. what sympathy? she still remember what Rahmah said. it's not that she holds anything against her, but just that that word made her doubt people.

Unexpected-all the sorrows

somehow, she thinks she've just realised that the lock in her heart is bigger and heavier than she had expected. it have been opressing her, making her out of breathe for all these while.

yesterday she went to church again, after about a month of absence. this time round, it's bro MJ who persuaded her to go. in the beginning she thought it's just some other pastor coming to give a powerful serman. but as she went there, there's also deliverence!! ( you will know what i'm talking about if you're a christian.) it's some kind of casting out the demon's in you. depending on what demons there's in you.yea. so she just realised then that Bro MJ had planned it all long ago. she's not angry with him, in fact really grateful for his good motives eventhough she wasn't that regular in church.

so, no choice, after service, she went for the ministry. the first delivernce it's for people who have family curse-idolism, generation curse, like people in your family for generation they divorce and stuffs like that. hence, she cant escape from it. she went down. the first time, this sister prayed for her, but nothing happened. then carol still don give up. she brought her to the front to let more powerful people to be prayed for. this time round, a "more powerful" sister prayed for her. actually she thinks she had felt something. tears started accumulate in her eyes. but she don know why, she just laugh. she just thinks it's so funny and foolish. like, she don think it's her. i mean, she don think it's from her. she thought to herself,"this demon in her is a really powerful one." then they just went aside to allow others to be prayed for.

the second one was about sexuality. like, people who are sexualy abused, masturbation, pornography, have lust in them and stuffs like that. this is the main purpose for Bro MJ to plan all these, therefore, she HAVE TO go down. in the beginning was just worshipping. but she really felt a power undecribable thing in her, so she just prayed. she prayed and prayed, soon the worship ends and people start the deliverence. everyone around her was being prayed for, somehow, no one seem to notice her presence. but she cant escape from carol's eyes. carol kept yelling to ask those powerful people to pray for her. yea. indeed, this old cauasian lady came and prayed for her while she's struggling to escape. ha. the lady held her head and she cant remembered how many people actually held her (really hard) and she pray. she just cried. she cried and struggled and cried and struggled. at that moment, she really feels like killing that "bitch"(that's what she thought about the old lady at that moment) and everybody around her, including carol. many started noticing her, hence many just sratch their hands towards her direction and prayed for her. no use. she just cant let it go. it's not that she didnt even try. she had tried, but the pastor say, just forgive them. but the fact is that she cant. to be really frank. she was abuse NOT ONLY ONCE. it's just that the others had done to her were not that bad. as in, she's still strong enough to oppress those guilts, regrets, hatred and all sorts feelings and "move on". but that guy, is a N.O!! cant. she cant. it's really too much. she just don want!! people, please don be so cruel to her. cant you just allow her to hate him for ruin her life? don know why, that few minutes of deliverence seems like years? many hurts, hatreds, guilts, regrets was brought back onto her tiny brain. she's almost out of breathe!! finally, she managed to "escape". she struggled and ran off.

she ran towards her bag, wanting to leave. but carol caught her. so they just ran around the church. lol. then carol called Bro MJ to tell him about it. Bro MJ just ask her to decide again. yea. so this is when all things started becoming so clear to her. about what she actually felt about herself, about everyone, the incident, including that jerk. she just cant let it go like that. she don want!

then carol accompanied her back to their seats. carol just hugged her and cried. yea. so both of them ended up crying (like mad. lol)

carol (still crying): "xueni, i'm not going to let the devil to have control over your life. i'm going to pray and fast everyday. don you want to be happy? i want you to be happy. just let it go."

xueni: silent. (just dazing, acting as if she heard nothing, trying to control her tears)

carol: "let it go then you can be happy." (still crying)

xueni: (thought to herself-yea. i don want to be happy.)

(after awhile)

xueni: (talking while crying) "i'm very comfortable with what i am now. i don want to change."

carol: "but you're not happy!" (still crying)

xueni: (silent)

at this very moment. she just realised that she's just too used to being "numb" that she isn't very ready for happiness. can you understand what she's trying to say? like, this "happiness" seem so far and unreachable for her. just like how you feel towards a stranger-unsecured. and anyway, what have done cannot be undone. so what if they managed to cast out that demon? she's still stained. no longer good enough. she's just no longer the same! just forget about that bubbly girl, people! she's no longer the same, she cant be it anymore.

though things didnt really turn out good, but at least she's glad that she still have a friend who will actually laugh with her, cry with her. while the others, where are you when she needed you most? what guardian angel?

then she still went off to work. yea. at first she seem really listless, but after awhile, she got a hang to it. she just control and smile. but still, she's really listless. she burnt her hand alot more times than usual. that night was another sleepless night for her. she just kept thinking of it.

Hypocrites!!

wat should she say? how can she actually help them? how stupid can she be? she's just a fool. idiot!

on thursday, her class was up to some "riot". their english teacher was hospitalised so there's this relieve teacher. that teacher kinda unreasonable and arrogant. there's some miscommunication between and blah blah blah. actually it's none of her problem, but as you know, in the end, she still cant stand it, she went and help.

she went to the office and told the HOD teacher, Rahmah. though Rahmah didnt mean it (she thinks) but she's affected.

Rahmah: "are you telling tales?"

"no. the whole class think so."

Rahmah: "you wait for me outside."

(then after a few minutes)

Rahmah: "it's all of you?! do you know the seven of you are those who always give me problems?!"

seven: "no lor! now it's the whole class think so!"

then as you know, no one actually believes them and she broke into a conflict with Rahmah.

Rahmah: "i think all of you owes her an apology."

" i don think so!"

Rahmah: "do you see that, you all just leave like that. it's already not right."

"i know we're wrong, but if we must apologise, i think she should too. she partially at fault."

Rahmah: "did i say you are at fault?! did i say you apologise for what you have done?! it's just a courtesy!"

" i don know lah. i just think she should apologise to us too"

yea. then, another teacher came along, Yee. this goes for an hour or so. they didnt apologise.

that day, she went home and think through it. she felt that, "yea. the rest didn't follow us. maybe they really want to study. i cannot be too self-fish to cause them to have no teacher."

the next day, she went to Rahmah.

"i think i want to apologise on to ms zaidah personall."

Rahmah: "i don know where is she. you should tell mdm rogayah."

(she went to look for rogayah)
Rogayah: " i think she's very hurt. maybe you can buy roses for her AS A CLASS."

"but they surely don want."

Rogayah: "i know you can persuade them, xueni."

"huh. but......"
(the bell goes)

she told peter about it.

peter: " but they surely don want"

"no chioce. i think i lead to that. try lor"

so they told the class about it. they just jeer a little. she thought, they will co-operate tomorrow. that afternoon she went off to work. she called everybody to ask if anyone can help her buy those materials as she'll be working till really late. CH went and help. like even an outsider was willing to help. so she didnt sleep and complete the card.

the next day, she ask them to sign. most from the seven signed. but some other girls,

girls: "don want lah. sign also no use. it's also not form our heart. we'll make her angry again want what!"

Zahrah: "yah lah. xueni, you're being too forceful! they don want then don force them lah."

"but that day you all don dare to say. then now dare to say you not happy.!"
(she felt really bad. maybe they're right. so actually she wanted to stop this and tell Rogayah.)

(end of the english period)
Rogayah: "what do you all have for miss zaidah?"

(xueni stood up, actually she wants to tell her about what the class felt.)

Rogayah: "yes, xueni?"

(telling the whole class)
Rogayah: "i think xueni really have the moral courage to actually come to me. "


(should i tell her? but... like, will i get things worse?)

in the end, peter went and gave zaidah.

Rogayah: " what you all should say to ms zaidah?"

the class: "sorry"

wat the. she thought they very unwilling? now she knows. they don want to get themselves into trouble, den they ask her to do all the job. she just wants to save the class but they just showed her their attitude. how can they ever do that to her? wa. she hates them. self-fish freaks! this time she told herself,

" i don care, i'll try my best to leave man! next time l won't help them. never! i want to transfer!"

a gift

nah, this is a dull day. she didnt do anything and never go to work. she'll be going to see doctor later. oh, she'd missed the chance to see him today. that monkey. hey, she could only see time once a week during work and she remember, last monday, is a happy day for her, as she kept remembering his stupid look. she just cant stop smiling to herself each time she thinks of him. though she often say things like she really hate him man cause he always bullies her, but somehow, she knows he's special person to her. a person who starts activating her heart. please god, don take this away, don take this excitement away, don take him away. never!