"04"-new chapter

yea. tomorrow is the day that she've been looking forward throughout this whole week. she'll be celebrating her birthday with her current "04" friends. they are a bunch of crazy mad dogs, but at the same time, truthful, real, sincere and they definitely have a genuine heart. actually is not her birthday that she's excited about, it's more of the funs and memorable period they might create. she thinks it will be a really crazy one.

thinking of the funs, she just can't help feeling a little down at the same time. should she feel down or happy? basically she'd planned long ago to look for Uncle at her workplace. she wished that he will be the one to celebrate this special day with her. but she knows, this is one of her wishful thinkings too.

ok, let's talk about something happy. she must really thank han for this bunch of friends he had brought her. yea. they really bring her much happiness and fun, especially yuan. he's the craziest guy among them. he's a little dotty, lunatic and funny. every of his actions will seem funny even when he din't actually try to make them laugh. though many may mistook him for his lunatic character, but he's a person that is really sincere to everyone and carries a genuine heart that she's talking about. can you belive this? because xueni really hated the stupid cigratte smell, so he decided to quit smoking for her as he thinks xueni had treated him very well. yea. well, she's touched. erm, more of surprised.

Brotherly Love

yesterday night when she's struggling so hard to force herself to study for her bio exam, her bro called. they started chatting and stuffs.

super weird, she actually told her bro everything. about her past experiences and the "secret" between Uncle and her. this is the first time she really thinks that her bro had "grown up". he showed maturity in the conversation man!! haha. surprisingly, when she told him about all, he didn't give much comments nor lecture her, instead, he was really patient and understanding. he told her not to worry about BGRstuffs right now as nature will take its course. also, he don think she's ready for all these. yea. that's what she thought too.

he also told her not to worry about money. he knows very well that she wanted to buy a notebook, and that's the main reason for her to step into society so early. but somehow, she thinks she gets alittle distracted and lost her sense of direction in life. the last time she can be really assured to tell you that she will be able to get back in track in the shortest possible time, but now.... she just don have these confident. anyway, her bro told her that he will try his best to fork in some money to get her a notebook, even if she doesnt pay a single cent.

yea. because she's not working right now, she giving herself a 'cold turkey' towards Uncle in order to continue the rest of the walk in life. this is one of the greatest challenges in her life as she thinks she is a really clear-minded person, but unfortunately, being killed in the relationship area. she's just too soft towards people. her bro told her that her the best point about her is that though she's naive and innocent, she doesnt get influence and go astray by others. yea. she really like what he said. it's a trust and faith that he puts on her and she really cherish that.

Bro:"i think you're really nice to people. like no matter how much hurt they
have got you into, you will definitely forgive them which is something
i won't."

yea. and this is really stupid. that's her weakest point. too emotional, always allowing emotions to have control over her. what ever it is, her bro just end by telling to really realy bear in mind this two:

1. your main task now is to study hard and beat all the stupid bitches in your class.
2. after acheiving no.1, work really hard for notebook.

yea. he told her to be really focus. this time round, she really felt the brotherly love and was actually very touched. "kor, thank you."

Uncle, bye bye.

She have been working at Pasir Ris for about a month's time and ya, she noticed her involvement in some things had changed her completely. she had became super miserable and lost. She knows that's not the way that she'll be leading her life, not even this minute! Hence she prayed really hard to break this bondage. She rebuke this in Jesus' name!

Ok, how should she start? Hmm, as she had been consistantly working at that place, she became kind of "popular" there, as many really dotes on her, hence she grow to like that place. You know, when you really like a place, you'll always go there.

It's a place whereby you'll be "easily wander off" if you devotes to it. yea. In the beginning she's so confident that she would not, but proven, she's wrong. So wrong. She noticed this guy there and grew a special feeling for him. At that point of time she knows that it's not love, not even like, but just that she thinks he's different from the others. Good impression?

During her September holiday, she worked everyday, as a result, she'll be seeing him daily and things started to change between them. People starts to notice the deep secret between the both of them. She guessed he likes her too? People started to tease them. yea. Now she really believes that there's no secret in this world. There's definitely a person who can see through it. Ok, anyway, they started this teasing thingy and this made the both of them realised and were really clear about their feelings towards one another.

On wednesday night, they were working too. She asked him to keep her phone for her. When she's going back, she remembered that she have to get it back, but the driver uncle that drives her back was rushing her, so she didn't bother to get it. After his work at about 2/3am, he called, telling her that her phone is still with him. So the very next morning, she went to his place to meet him.

They chat awhile and after knowing he has a dog, she wanted to go up to have a look at it. You know, xueni really loves dogs. When she got up, his dog 'rushed' and cling on her. Maybe she's just not metally prepared, she was actually afraid of this little one! So he asked her to get into his room.

In his room they chatted and she then realised he's 9years her senior. Ok, that's not the point. She became alittle sleepy as she haven't been sleeping last night, so he ask her to sleep beside him. Of course she didn't!! But after about an hour of showing her stuborness, she can't take it she fell asleep at his bed just beside him. He's really nice, he put a pillow between them.

yea. It's after that day, she knows it well that she really fell. She likes him, very very much! She didn't want to admit this to herself because she always thought that wouldn't get involved with this kind of things. At least not now, you see. So the next day, she "don't dare" to go for work. In the end, she still went down. but not for work, for a drink because she just can't stand not see him. Margaret went, Jimmy(Mar's friend), Vincent(jing xiang's friend) and Jing Xiang!!! yea. she hasn't been seeing xiang for almost 2years so she was kind of excited.

Ok, she drank alot and got herself "drunk". When she's unconcious, she went around looking for Uncle(it's the guy that she likes. she calls him that because he's so 'old'.) That's what Margaret told her. Ok, the point is that, she's really miserable, that's why she went for a drink. she felt that is Uncle just playing with her? What is xueni to her? Just some other girl to fulfill his needs and play around with? She don't get it. Guess that after that night, she thinks Uncle should know how much he have hurt her because xueni is not those girls who will go for a drink. i mean ya, perhaps in the past, but for this one year, she has been really discipline.

Ok, this carries on and on. She'll try many sorts of ways to "numb" herself up to keep away from the "danger" daily in order to not think of him and get herself so messed up. haha. But this is not the way!!! And that's it! she can take it no more!! She went up to him and ask.

Uncle:"You're too young."

Then? I mean, if really he thinks she's too young, then he shouldn't be involved with her in the first place!! Han told her "he's just fooling you!". Whatever it is, she still likes him. In fact it grew everyday. She don't understand. What is he trying to say?

Everyday, she carries this heavy "cant be revealed" deep secret with her. Her heart gains weight by seconds. yea. People is right, 'Love is blind'. She became so stupid and brainless. There's once she waited for him the whole night at the void deck at his flat. He didn't turn up. so she went up to his house and guess what? she saw his shoes!! And that mens, she had been waiting the whole night for no one!! Stupid.

she became so obsesed with this. she just wants to stick to him like a super glue. this made him rejects her even more. he gets so irritated by her. and just yesterday, she just lied to him that she has no where to go and expects him to accompany her. and then you know, it a N.O!

so she didn't give up, she called him and "pester" him again. he made it really clear and harsh. ya. she's hurt. but it's ok. this made her so determined to 'let it go'. she remember what pastor said, pray. so she prayed, after so long of not 'communicating' with God.

she cried. tears just kept running out of her eyes. she cried out to God to take him away. yea. the presense of God was so strong and she knows she never the same. she's still isn't very sure if the feeling is still there, but one thing she's really clear about is that she's longer "obsesed" with it and she feel so much lighter. she no longer wants to 'stick' to him. but she has to make a crucial decision on if she should continue with her work. perhaps just stop for a couples of weeks or so?

she really hates herself when she fall in love. she'll just do things stupidily which is not what she will do. she's a person that is so clear of what is to be done and not. in other words, she thinks she's discipline. so she never want to fall in love and she thought she have always been controlling herself well. she's really disappointed with herself.

the last time she didn't want to let go of this it's because she wants to dote on Uncle. show him some love? because she knows Uncle is leading a miserable life. he's so lonely and helpless though he did not say. but now, it's none of her business. i mean, she'll show love to him in a different way? and also, this is the first time she is so serious about a guy. yea. so she don't wish to end it just like that. she even had to thought of having him as a life partner. but this is all her wishful thinking. maybe that stranger she met on that day when she waited for him the whole night was right. "if he's yours, he will be. but if he's not, just be it."

"ok. so Uncle, i'm telling you now, i don't know if i still likes you, but i won't say i'll try so hard to forget you because this is impossible and i'm just deceiving myself if i say so. but i will just let it go. i know, if you are the one that my father in heaven has placed in my life, you will return and be mine. yea. Uncle, bye bye."