Although i just had my 2nd cell group meeting with Gloria, the whole transfer thing still feels so unreal. it felt as though i have not gone to church for two weeks and there's a big part of my heart that is still very unwilling, but i'll perservere on and break myself to be willing.
i haven missed someone so much for a long time that i had really forgotten how it feels to "miss you badly", but right now, i really really misses Darryl very very much. it seems like a portion of my heart became quite empty and i'm like floating in the air. although i am given much more opportunities and i'm very glad and i'll definitely do my best to help Gloria, but i really cant help to feel this way still. i really miss Darryl.
for the first two weeks after Darryl broke the news to me, i couldnt sleep at all every night. and the thought of Darryl just naturally made my eye sour. i guess, that eventhough i don express it openly by asking her out or buying her gift and when people talked about how much the love Darryl, i'll just keep quiet and listen and i didnt really tell anyone about how much Darryl mean to me, i know i really love her very much. there wont be any right words to describe how much she mean in my heart.
as the news broke to the whole cg, people start to feel uncomfortable and needed comfort and affirmation. the supposed "more mature ones" tried our best to comfort the rest. but actually our hearts are bleeding and hurting not any lesser. we were each others buddy for the past three years. from 7 of us, we grew to 30 of us. eventhough most were transfered, i guess it's the cg's faithfulness and love that we were entrusted with the people. we also grew spiritually, mentally and emotionally together. we made mistakes together, get scolded together, laughed together, acted as if we were professionals during every year's highlight - Darryl's bday, Christmas Drama Outreaches, Appreciation Lunch, Makeup Outreaches. we grew from "severely wounded hearts and life" get heal, start serving and now, into strong and mighty helpers. and many times previously, we had much miscommunication and would be really angry with one another, but it wont last more than an hour, because we really love each other. now, to leave Darryl and my buddies, i'm really very upset and there will not be anyone to comfort me and still i'll have to make sure the rest are ok. well, walking the walk is defeinitely not easy and can get quite lonely at times.
since the start of this year, i've prayed prayers to God to mould me into someone that can be Darryl's armor barrier. for the past few weeks, i will ask God, did He made a mistake? but i know He has His higher ways and i'll obey with the best attitude that i can. i'll constantly remind myself to "bring Darryl to N395", to represent Darryl in my new cg. yup. and actually my desire is to "graduate" from Darryl's cg before i have my own CG just ike Chloe. i think it's really a previliage and i cant help, but to envy John and pearly. well, if Darryl needs any helper, i will be the first to volunteer myself! hahaha.
ok, after so much of pouring, self-pity-ing and self-comforting (LOL) i'll really do my best and i trust in God that He will reveal His greater plans to me soon. yea. jia you jia you!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
God Is "Unfair". =)
i had two visitors who were previously my aunt's fellow buddist mates. one of them happened to know that i'm a christian and started bombarding me with many doctrines about buddism as the faith that is above all the other faith. he can even quote many bible verses. he taught me abt idolatry, water baptizm and carrying the cross, which was what i had learnt in SOT. actually his understanding of our christian faith is very deep, but to him, the buddist god is the real and ultimate truth and all the other faiths are branches of this ultimate truth.
i think this is a great interaction with ppl of the other faith that i rarely have. i guess, being in the Singaporean culture for the entire lifetime, we tend to be a little over-sensitive or easily intimidated when it come to the topic on faiths that leaves us very little exposure to what the other faiths are all about, what are the convictions of the people that they are willing to die for. being over-protected and refusing to listen to the others talking about their faiths can make us shallow people or even frogs in the well. however, before we can even participate in such sensitive discussions, we need to have a firm foundation of our christian faith, a maturity at the heart that will not constantly looking for opportunities to retailiate and an openness to hear what they have to say, then we would definitely be able to learn much from them that gives us a greater revelation of the Word of God when we draw a link between them.
well, putting that aside, i'm glad that i had the opportunity to chat with the uncle that i really like when i attended the buddist classes when i was younger. he leave to me this fatherly impression and is compassionate about our plight since childhood. he makes me think sharing with him about my thoughts are very simple and he is very ready to listen and to feel about how i felt. eventhough i told him that i've flang my A levels last year and i am actualy not very optimistic about my exams this year, i can feel that he believes in me still and most importantly, he didnt judge me or condemn me. he said something that really triggered my heart, "i think your family really depends on you, you really got to make it big in the future." this was the exact same mission that i'd told myself as young as when i first had memory and pastor mj told me that too.
for a period of time, i had thoughts to escape from this family. the only way for myself to totally freed myself from them is to get married! haha. i think to many people, they will think it is really funny or even absurb, but to someone who someone who do not have any direct biological family who are supportive, never feels secure and can be thrown out at the slightest mistake, marriage for a moment might seemed to be one of the way that she can escape from all these insecurities. she will then start to have her family, her house. but definitely, this is a very naive idea. everything starts from the within. one got to be secure with who he is, what he has in order to be happy. it's not so much about the circumstances, but the substances from within.
and of course, i have repented from that thought. hah. i wont deny that i really don feel very loved at home and gets very discouraged to love them, but i do love them very much. i'll try my best with the time i have with them to love and transform their lives. i want them to be happy people. people who can feel a wide range of emotions, especially love. i guess it's the hardness of life, they protect themselves by resisting to feel and therefore it hardens the heart and become numbed. but the love of God is wider and deeper than everything. if i am able to be redeem, anyone will be able to. i want to make a difference!
i think i am very favoured. looking back, i think the hands of God have been lifting me and the eyes of God have been watching over me even before i knew Him. eventhough i was born to a weak circumstance, but i was very looked after. when my siblings and i played with the neighbourhood children, we were the favourites of the older kids. when i went to primary school, my result just improved drastically without and guidance and ever since i've topped my class and level in my major exams. i will always stand-out or become the most popular one where i am placed eventhough i am not very pretty or extremely talented. should people say that God is unfair, yes i think so and agree to it completely! He gave me all the great talents-i can sketch slightly better than the average, able to sing slightly better than the average, able to study slightly better than the average, look slightly better than the average, speak slightly better than the average, able to do sports slightly better than the average. yes, God is very unfair! he is bias to me.
like i've said, before my mum passed away, we were the more popular kid n the neighbourhood. in school, i was chosen to be in the school netball team when i just joined for a few months copared to my frens wheo joined for a year. when i took part in any sports events, i would always come in top three at least. and also top the class or level in my major exams. i would also be very priveliage to get to know outstanding people whom many people try to get close with but unble. before my mum passed away, the older populaer kid-William. In primary school, the popular best sportsmen in my school-Weilun. In secondary school, i become the most "popular" one that people try to get close to. In Jc, eventhough i try to fade in and out of school, my friends still think i'm the "cool" person and my teachers will really treat me exceptionally well. In church, i get to know one of the most anoited and loving couple, Darryl and MJ, personally. and to learn under them.
looking back, God's eyes have been watching over me. His favour over me is so explicit. yes, God's favourite is ME! =)
i think this is a great interaction with ppl of the other faith that i rarely have. i guess, being in the Singaporean culture for the entire lifetime, we tend to be a little over-sensitive or easily intimidated when it come to the topic on faiths that leaves us very little exposure to what the other faiths are all about, what are the convictions of the people that they are willing to die for. being over-protected and refusing to listen to the others talking about their faiths can make us shallow people or even frogs in the well. however, before we can even participate in such sensitive discussions, we need to have a firm foundation of our christian faith, a maturity at the heart that will not constantly looking for opportunities to retailiate and an openness to hear what they have to say, then we would definitely be able to learn much from them that gives us a greater revelation of the Word of God when we draw a link between them.
well, putting that aside, i'm glad that i had the opportunity to chat with the uncle that i really like when i attended the buddist classes when i was younger. he leave to me this fatherly impression and is compassionate about our plight since childhood. he makes me think sharing with him about my thoughts are very simple and he is very ready to listen and to feel about how i felt. eventhough i told him that i've flang my A levels last year and i am actualy not very optimistic about my exams this year, i can feel that he believes in me still and most importantly, he didnt judge me or condemn me. he said something that really triggered my heart, "i think your family really depends on you, you really got to make it big in the future." this was the exact same mission that i'd told myself as young as when i first had memory and pastor mj told me that too.
for a period of time, i had thoughts to escape from this family. the only way for myself to totally freed myself from them is to get married! haha. i think to many people, they will think it is really funny or even absurb, but to someone who someone who do not have any direct biological family who are supportive, never feels secure and can be thrown out at the slightest mistake, marriage for a moment might seemed to be one of the way that she can escape from all these insecurities. she will then start to have her family, her house. but definitely, this is a very naive idea. everything starts from the within. one got to be secure with who he is, what he has in order to be happy. it's not so much about the circumstances, but the substances from within.
and of course, i have repented from that thought. hah. i wont deny that i really don feel very loved at home and gets very discouraged to love them, but i do love them very much. i'll try my best with the time i have with them to love and transform their lives. i want them to be happy people. people who can feel a wide range of emotions, especially love. i guess it's the hardness of life, they protect themselves by resisting to feel and therefore it hardens the heart and become numbed. but the love of God is wider and deeper than everything. if i am able to be redeem, anyone will be able to. i want to make a difference!
i think i am very favoured. looking back, i think the hands of God have been lifting me and the eyes of God have been watching over me even before i knew Him. eventhough i was born to a weak circumstance, but i was very looked after. when my siblings and i played with the neighbourhood children, we were the favourites of the older kids. when i went to primary school, my result just improved drastically without and guidance and ever since i've topped my class and level in my major exams. i will always stand-out or become the most popular one where i am placed eventhough i am not very pretty or extremely talented. should people say that God is unfair, yes i think so and agree to it completely! He gave me all the great talents-i can sketch slightly better than the average, able to sing slightly better than the average, able to study slightly better than the average, look slightly better than the average, speak slightly better than the average, able to do sports slightly better than the average. yes, God is very unfair! he is bias to me.
like i've said, before my mum passed away, we were the more popular kid n the neighbourhood. in school, i was chosen to be in the school netball team when i just joined for a few months copared to my frens wheo joined for a year. when i took part in any sports events, i would always come in top three at least. and also top the class or level in my major exams. i would also be very priveliage to get to know outstanding people whom many people try to get close with but unble. before my mum passed away, the older populaer kid-William. In primary school, the popular best sportsmen in my school-Weilun. In secondary school, i become the most "popular" one that people try to get close to. In Jc, eventhough i try to fade in and out of school, my friends still think i'm the "cool" person and my teachers will really treat me exceptionally well. In church, i get to know one of the most anoited and loving couple, Darryl and MJ, personally. and to learn under them.
looking back, God's eyes have been watching over me. His favour over me is so explicit. yes, God's favourite is ME! =)
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