i'm never the same

i have been transformed and i knew that. i can feel that in my heart. it's God. well, the friend that i've mention in my last posting have reconciliated with me. yea. praise the lord.

i will not feel insecure or unworthy anymore as i know, my greatest value is my value to God. and my father in heaven is consistent, he will love me unconditionally despite what's my past, what i've did. since i repented, he will forgive me. he loves me.

returning to church is a great challenge for me and of cause my time. but my catholic teacher have really been a great "discipler" to me. teaching me how to prioritise between studies and church. though i still is not very good at it and not coping too well, but i know God is watching over me and carrying me on his back. Faith, is the engine and God is the strength. the activities in church were 'overwhelming' me. and this means that i will have very little time to study. i don even have the time to sleep. i'm really worn out. there are days whereby i just fell asleep suddenly in the afternoon or evening and woke up the next day morning, without knowing it. this is really hard, but there is not a second that i'll complain or regret serving him or walking this walk. i just want to be so close to him. to enter into the highest level of intimacy with him. i just want to be so close to him. i love jesus.

ya, returning to church had drawn me away from Han. i wonder how is he? i think we are so far apart now. the last time i can at least guess what's on his mind,but now, i think we somehow lost this connection. guess that he will never understand my love for God and therefore not understand me. hmm, but whatever it is, Han's position in my heart will never change. i've even placed him in my priorities card. lol.

oh ya, my CG is disbanded. this means that all of us will be seperated soon. i wil miss all of them. yup. and that silly irritate idiotic Yue Ze too. haha. i cherishes all of them, Candice, John, KK, Joey, keith, Hui Ting, Xiu Li, Shawn, Sam, Carmen, Samuel. and probably yue ze will have the greatest impact on me because i have not been treating him well and i think i've really let him down. lol. he is just starting to taste some "sweetness" from me and then we must be separated. i have just start to really cherish him. haha. maybe he's just so 'suai' lol.

A two weeks friend

the friend i've made two weeks ago, i've lost it...

i've hurt him. hmm, i've always been a nuisance to him. i'm mean and nasty to him. i had never pay attention to what he'd told me and think it's rubbish. i ask him out on a particular day and left him all alone walking behind, following me. though we often chat on the phone, but i don even know what i've said. basically i think i'm just talking crap to him all these while, trying to get entertained and irritate him. he's just the new target for me to disturb. despite this, he had been listening to my nonsense patiently. he treats me really well, but i treated him like a dirt. whenever i know that he's trying to talk to me, i would close my eyes, letting him to think that i'm taking a nap, but actually is that i don want to talk to him. i don even want to hear his voice. i don know why, the sight of him just irritate me. furthermore, i would just make a big fuss when i think he made a mistake but in fact, it wasnt even a mistake. this is just how nasty i am to him. and that idiot, just stupidily, allowing me to bully him?!! silly fool.

i knew he should be treated better. but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. attitude, cool, numbed are just words to describe the daily me and i'm just those type who will treat you worse the more i care for you. yea. i got to admit this, i care for him and cherish him. though this is so, i will never tell him. never! care and concern don need words to be shown. at least for me? i think so. this is just the way i care.

also, i don wish to be too close to him. maybe it's more of fears. i've made a promise to myself which will probably last for a year. i don wish to get emotionally attached. i fear this friendship would grow into something more. so i'm just trying to prevent disasters from happening. i don wish those stupid chemical reactions in the brain (infactuations/ affections) to spoil the friendship and i know it's not the time yet. moreover, i'm still waiting for the day whereby i return to look for Uncle and talk things clear. i still miss Uncle. and i don want to "betray" him. i still hope to care for my Uncle. also, i'm trying hard to stop him from invading into my past, my privacy and my heart. maybe i'm just too ashame to let him learn about it.

i know i've hurt him badly and these are not very acceptable reasons for me to end this friendship. still, i will do it if i were to be given another chance. i know very well what i'm doing. i know he's hurt and disappointed. but i would rather him beind hurt and disappointed for a few days than him being more wounded in the future when he gets to know the real me. i know he will get over it soon.

i'm sorry my friend, because i cherishes you, so i left.

appreciation night-29/12/06

yea. at the party, we are asked to dressed according to our cell group's theme. and my group's theme was nerd!! haha. on the day itself, i went to look for a fake set of teeth which i spend 3hours searching for that place.

when we are all dressed up, my members first gather at the corridor outside the multi-purpose hall at bayshore pak. there came this guy whose name, yue ze. at that moment, i was thnking, "hmm, this guy are not dressed up?" he just merely wear a blouse. when he saw me, i guess he was shock rather than surprise. and that guy just tuck in his blouse and thinking that it look really nerd.haha. i mean, how silly can he be? then i came into a conclusion, personally, he definitely is a nerd. lol.