Unexpected-all the sorrows

somehow, she thinks she've just realised that the lock in her heart is bigger and heavier than she had expected. it have been opressing her, making her out of breathe for all these while.

yesterday she went to church again, after about a month of absence. this time round, it's bro MJ who persuaded her to go. in the beginning she thought it's just some other pastor coming to give a powerful serman. but as she went there, there's also deliverence!! ( you will know what i'm talking about if you're a christian.) it's some kind of casting out the demon's in you. depending on what demons there's in you.yea. so she just realised then that Bro MJ had planned it all long ago. she's not angry with him, in fact really grateful for his good motives eventhough she wasn't that regular in church.

so, no choice, after service, she went for the ministry. the first delivernce it's for people who have family curse-idolism, generation curse, like people in your family for generation they divorce and stuffs like that. hence, she cant escape from it. she went down. the first time, this sister prayed for her, but nothing happened. then carol still don give up. she brought her to the front to let more powerful people to be prayed for. this time round, a "more powerful" sister prayed for her. actually she thinks she had felt something. tears started accumulate in her eyes. but she don know why, she just laugh. she just thinks it's so funny and foolish. like, she don think it's her. i mean, she don think it's from her. she thought to herself,"this demon in her is a really powerful one." then they just went aside to allow others to be prayed for.

the second one was about sexuality. like, people who are sexualy abused, masturbation, pornography, have lust in them and stuffs like that. this is the main purpose for Bro MJ to plan all these, therefore, she HAVE TO go down. in the beginning was just worshipping. but she really felt a power undecribable thing in her, so she just prayed. she prayed and prayed, soon the worship ends and people start the deliverence. everyone around her was being prayed for, somehow, no one seem to notice her presence. but she cant escape from carol's eyes. carol kept yelling to ask those powerful people to pray for her. yea. indeed, this old cauasian lady came and prayed for her while she's struggling to escape. ha. the lady held her head and she cant remembered how many people actually held her (really hard) and she pray. she just cried. she cried and struggled and cried and struggled. at that moment, she really feels like killing that "bitch"(that's what she thought about the old lady at that moment) and everybody around her, including carol. many started noticing her, hence many just sratch their hands towards her direction and prayed for her. no use. she just cant let it go. it's not that she didnt even try. she had tried, but the pastor say, just forgive them. but the fact is that she cant. to be really frank. she was abuse NOT ONLY ONCE. it's just that the others had done to her were not that bad. as in, she's still strong enough to oppress those guilts, regrets, hatred and all sorts feelings and "move on". but that guy, is a N.O!! cant. she cant. it's really too much. she just don want!! people, please don be so cruel to her. cant you just allow her to hate him for ruin her life? don know why, that few minutes of deliverence seems like years? many hurts, hatreds, guilts, regrets was brought back onto her tiny brain. she's almost out of breathe!! finally, she managed to "escape". she struggled and ran off.

she ran towards her bag, wanting to leave. but carol caught her. so they just ran around the church. lol. then carol called Bro MJ to tell him about it. Bro MJ just ask her to decide again. yea. so this is when all things started becoming so clear to her. about what she actually felt about herself, about everyone, the incident, including that jerk. she just cant let it go like that. she don want!

then carol accompanied her back to their seats. carol just hugged her and cried. yea. so both of them ended up crying (like mad. lol)

carol (still crying): "xueni, i'm not going to let the devil to have control over your life. i'm going to pray and fast everyday. don you want to be happy? i want you to be happy. just let it go."

xueni: silent. (just dazing, acting as if she heard nothing, trying to control her tears)

carol: "let it go then you can be happy." (still crying)

xueni: (thought to herself-yea. i don want to be happy.)

(after awhile)

xueni: (talking while crying) "i'm very comfortable with what i am now. i don want to change."

carol: "but you're not happy!" (still crying)

xueni: (silent)

at this very moment. she just realised that she's just too used to being "numb" that she isn't very ready for happiness. can you understand what she's trying to say? like, this "happiness" seem so far and unreachable for her. just like how you feel towards a stranger-unsecured. and anyway, what have done cannot be undone. so what if they managed to cast out that demon? she's still stained. no longer good enough. she's just no longer the same! just forget about that bubbly girl, people! she's no longer the same, she cant be it anymore.

though things didnt really turn out good, but at least she's glad that she still have a friend who will actually laugh with her, cry with her. while the others, where are you when she needed you most? what guardian angel?

then she still went off to work. yea. at first she seem really listless, but after awhile, she got a hang to it. she just control and smile. but still, she's really listless. she burnt her hand alot more times than usual. that night was another sleepless night for her. she just kept thinking of it.

Hypocrites!!

wat should she say? how can she actually help them? how stupid can she be? she's just a fool. idiot!

on thursday, her class was up to some "riot". their english teacher was hospitalised so there's this relieve teacher. that teacher kinda unreasonable and arrogant. there's some miscommunication between and blah blah blah. actually it's none of her problem, but as you know, in the end, she still cant stand it, she went and help.

she went to the office and told the HOD teacher, Rahmah. though Rahmah didnt mean it (she thinks) but she's affected.

Rahmah: "are you telling tales?"

"no. the whole class think so."

Rahmah: "you wait for me outside."

(then after a few minutes)

Rahmah: "it's all of you?! do you know the seven of you are those who always give me problems?!"

seven: "no lor! now it's the whole class think so!"

then as you know, no one actually believes them and she broke into a conflict with Rahmah.

Rahmah: "i think all of you owes her an apology."

" i don think so!"

Rahmah: "do you see that, you all just leave like that. it's already not right."

"i know we're wrong, but if we must apologise, i think she should too. she partially at fault."

Rahmah: "did i say you are at fault?! did i say you apologise for what you have done?! it's just a courtesy!"

" i don know lah. i just think she should apologise to us too"

yea. then, another teacher came along, Yee. this goes for an hour or so. they didnt apologise.

that day, she went home and think through it. she felt that, "yea. the rest didn't follow us. maybe they really want to study. i cannot be too self-fish to cause them to have no teacher."

the next day, she went to Rahmah.

"i think i want to apologise on to ms zaidah personall."

Rahmah: "i don know where is she. you should tell mdm rogayah."

(she went to look for rogayah)
Rogayah: " i think she's very hurt. maybe you can buy roses for her AS A CLASS."

"but they surely don want."

Rogayah: "i know you can persuade them, xueni."

"huh. but......"
(the bell goes)

she told peter about it.

peter: " but they surely don want"

"no chioce. i think i lead to that. try lor"

so they told the class about it. they just jeer a little. she thought, they will co-operate tomorrow. that afternoon she went off to work. she called everybody to ask if anyone can help her buy those materials as she'll be working till really late. CH went and help. like even an outsider was willing to help. so she didnt sleep and complete the card.

the next day, she ask them to sign. most from the seven signed. but some other girls,

girls: "don want lah. sign also no use. it's also not form our heart. we'll make her angry again want what!"

Zahrah: "yah lah. xueni, you're being too forceful! they don want then don force them lah."

"but that day you all don dare to say. then now dare to say you not happy.!"
(she felt really bad. maybe they're right. so actually she wanted to stop this and tell Rogayah.)

(end of the english period)
Rogayah: "what do you all have for miss zaidah?"

(xueni stood up, actually she wants to tell her about what the class felt.)

Rogayah: "yes, xueni?"

(telling the whole class)
Rogayah: "i think xueni really have the moral courage to actually come to me. "


(should i tell her? but... like, will i get things worse?)

in the end, peter went and gave zaidah.

Rogayah: " what you all should say to ms zaidah?"

the class: "sorry"

wat the. she thought they very unwilling? now she knows. they don want to get themselves into trouble, den they ask her to do all the job. she just wants to save the class but they just showed her their attitude. how can they ever do that to her? wa. she hates them. self-fish freaks! this time she told herself,

" i don care, i'll try my best to leave man! next time l won't help them. never! i want to transfer!"

a gift

nah, this is a dull day. she didnt do anything and never go to work. she'll be going to see doctor later. oh, she'd missed the chance to see him today. that monkey. hey, she could only see time once a week during work and she remember, last monday, is a happy day for her, as she kept remembering his stupid look. she just cant stop smiling to herself each time she thinks of him. though she often say things like she really hate him man cause he always bullies her, but somehow, she knows he's special person to her. a person who starts activating her heart. please god, don take this away, don take this excitement away, don take him away. never!

Racial Harmony

BNSS class 3C



this indeed is a special day for her. firstly, she thinks this made her and her classmates closer and most importantly, with astria. she miss her. though she didnt really say, but she really miss her. she's her first friend in this school. she thinks she'd change. she's more confident now. and yup, she thinks she really make a not bad vice-chairman.she's really happy for her.

she like this man. like, they are so united. even jerome lee had worked hard for it. and yup, the best part is that, their efforts didnt pay off, they won the best class decoration in their level. yea. she really enjoyed herself. for the past two days, she thinks she felt happy. i don know. like, actually she weren't sure of what is the feel of being happy as she hadnt felt it for years, but she can feel clearly that it's special. she felt so excited. and what she's really happy about is that, she finally felt something after freezing her heart for so long.

yesterday, she's happy. i think is it because that she talk to ed?they didnt plan to patch up till they have prepared their hearts. they wanted to give each other more time. though on surface, they didnt seem to patch up, but inside, she knows very clearly that things between them had changed. they're no longer the same. her heart seems lighter. she thinks that yup, finally, someone had at least found the map to the key which can open up the big lock in her heart. he's the one who had walked with her, be by her side through the darkest days of her life. and, she didnt intend to tell him that time. perhaps it's all fated. if this is true, she really thank god. thank him for sending an angel for her, her guardian angel. she cherish this angel, this friendship, she cherish what he've done. she cherish him.

running away.

yea. now, after a conversation with ed, she realised that she had been running away from many people. that includes, belle, lun, telepathy guy, M4, kenneth, ed, her past, softball, kenny, han, church, carol, many many.

she didnt even bother to blog about them each time she thinks about anyone of them. maybe this is the way to start afresh? at least for her. she don't know. anyway, there's no point if she blog it or not. people just don't bother too. in fact, if she doesnt talk about those, she appears more positive. ya. (though many still think it's so so so negative) so can you imagine if she blogs them? haha. she's just trying to be MORE positive(in her own ways).

many times, she wants someone. a person who will be there whom she can trust, whom she can love. i mean, she loves her family, friends and everyone, but you know, it's the other kind she's talking about now, a guy(or belle only). she just needs a hug from him. but she kept oppressing her feelings as she knows really well, it's not time yet. just wait. so she waited, not to think about it. not even a second. but just, she felt it again. she's not trying to look for anyone now as she knows it will be over tomorrow when she wake up. also, she's stained. i mean, she didnt have a good past, not fit to be with anyone. she's not good enough for others. yea. so better don drag them down.

those people that she had mentioned above, if you're reading, please love her? nah. i mean, just keep this way now, forget all about her. she's just not good enough anymore.

her work place

she's back from work! lol. she starts to love her job, but at the same time, this is her first time she have the urge to quit as it is really stressful and tiring for her. she could hardly rotate her ankles each time after work+yesterday and today, she was really busy. the seniors there kept asking her to do everything. and even her bro made a comment,"i think you're the busiest here." yea. the two sblings work at the same place.

actually a week before school reopens, she wanted to quit. but she's really worried that about her bro, hence she decided to stay and lookout. now, she's really sure that her bro will be fine there, because their manager assured that to her.

yesterday was crazy! there is a middle-age, "going old" lady who works at night about 9pm. but each day, she will reach the workplace at 5pm?(she kinda dotty) most of the crews dislike her, expect for 3 person, two manager, Dorothy, Khairul and of cause, xueni. around evening time, that old woman started her nonsense. xueni was really corked up with the kitchen work as she's kinda new there(still unfamilar) and Khairul made her do all the work (including he's). at this time, she already a little unhappy with that man and then that old freak started pointing at her face scolding her.

that old waman- "Khairul my boyfriend arh."
(Khairul's only 20+)

she never bother about her cause that's THEIR problem, then there she goes again,

" Khairul say you pretty. Khirul like you."
(xueni thinking, hey, thanks. lol")

but the following line was,

" i don't like you arh, you smile smile smile to him, see lah, now khairul like you. you snatch my boyfriend. smile smile smile."
(this goes on and on for a long time)

then she really cant stand it she scolded loudly,

" ok lah. shut up!!"

yea. she stopped. and everyone was looking at her. they never expect her to do that as she is really a big joking there, and probably a jinx to everyone(only those of her age boys) . she would purposely embarasse and harrasse them. ha. (that have become her habit during work) . hence, of cause, they can't possibly stupidily allow her nonsense. everyone kept purposely bully her too. but they weren't her match, cause, hey, she's a real bitch! lol. they call her a name which she kinda dislike-xiao mei(small girl). despite that,she knows very well that they actually dotes on her and expect to see her every time.

there's a boy who is really her jinx. among all the boy, she like him best. he's 'monkey'( she calls him that-ah ming). she can never bully him. even if she manage to irritate him, she would definite have her 'retribution' the next minute.(that's the reason he's more 'outstanding') yea. there's just countless of words to say about them though she only saw him less than 10time throughout this 1month+. and part of the reason for her to like her job is him and of cause, the rest of the unlucky ones. ha :p

Sleepy days

Can you beleve it, she cried in class?!!! during the last period of a.maths, she just burst out while doing her work. tears just rolled down her sleepy eyes. at first she thought that perhaps it's that she strained her eyes too much, but at the same moment when her a.math teacher called for her, tears started rolling down her eyes. it's not about that woman, she just feels like crying. she just feel really really sad. there's no reason to it. perhaps is that she's tired of life, for a moment, she thought it was her telepathy with him, that he is sad. but i thought they no longer share this for quite a while? but she strongly disagree with what that woman said about her study attitude. hey, she have been working really hard to get her 5 A1s and L1R5-max*8pts. she really wished that she could transfer next year to start things afresh. for the past few days, she will go home as early as possible to practice on her weakest subject-a.math, and the result is that she can do quite a few questions which seem kinda tough for her on the chapter-surds and indices, and she will be working on logarithms, perhap, next week? these must be one of the reasons that make her so sleepy these days. she could hardly sleep for 3hours daily. moreover, she will definite wake up between this 3hrs and could no longer sleep, because she's really worried that she might forget what she've been working on the next day as she have been really forgetful these days. so, how can that woman still doubt her? perhaps she was judging her by her results. but xueni is fine with her. she still love that woman.

she had much commitment than anyone else. she's still working long hours. she already has lesser time than anyone else, and now she's working? yea. she cant say that she's not working for the sake of money, but the main reason out there is that she's working in order to study better and also help out in her family's financial area. yea. so people, please don expect her to commit on more stuffs and please give her lesser work. she had even give up on her church, but, one very important thing is that, she still love god.

put on spot

ytd she went back to her grandma's place. supposely, everything's under her control until her dad, Simon came. he's such an ass man! big fat liar. the adults that she had stayed with was there too. thanks to Simon's BIG mouth, the adults knew about her sis, Margaret's marriage. those the couple were planning too register at the ROM on august which had been discussed with the female's dad earlier on. and he too, have agreed to it. though this is so, that cunning dad had been trying all means to stop them secretly. he told those relatives to stop them and even his church members and pastors. in fact he had probably told everyone that knew him and his daugter to stop this marriage. wat the! how unreliable can this father be man?!! how can he even tell those strangers? to her sis, those church members of Simon are just some strangers, and how do he think they have the right to tell her wat to do, in fact, stop this mariage? Margaret like her, is a stubborn freak. but the only difference is that she's more reasonable than Margaret and there's still one only person who can change her mind or stop her from doing anything, is probably Margaret!! lol. and yup, so the adults stand are, as you know, they definitely opposed it. then, you know too, whenever she's there and regrading her siblings, she will be dragged down too. they asked her to contact Margaret, but she on Margaret's side, so she ask Mar about it and it's up to her if she wants to answer the call. so the adults called million times, but none of the calls were answered. hence, definitely, they changed target to HER! they were like, trying to 'brainwash' her, but the fact is that, ya, she's listening and she understands too, but she's not the one getting married!! after about an hour of it, they decide to ask her to contact Mar. and unfortunately, her uncle had snatched away the phone while she's about to warn Mar. yea. they had a great talk and Mar was made cried. nah. he didnt scold her, they just want to have a look at her boyfriend. but Mar is just too protective about him. finally, she had agreed to go, but this time, her boyfriend furred up. he don want. he just don want to see them. he hated her dad. how can Simon do this when he had already agreed to their marriage? why did Simon try all means to stop them? why is he creating so much trouble? yea. that's right. her boyfriend was just angry with Simon. and ya, the siblings too. nah. Simon is a really undecisive father who will just listen to others, especially those ass people. she's not trying to say the adults don have the right, but she's referring to those church members and Simon's bros. then of cause, the couple had a fight. so when she called Mar, yea as you know, she's always the one, she scolded like mad and Mar was crying and screaming at the same time. at this time, she had to comfort and clam both side down. oh man, this is tough man.

when everything seems fine now, the uncle that she had stayed with for 7years, James starts some nusensical stuffs. it's about her dotty aunt. her kept playing with the water and drinking too much water than her body could take. she look really bloaded. like round? those are not fats, but water. and the water bill is 400+? oh man!! why so much trouble. James was too stressed up and said something like, he will kill that aunt sooner or later. he can even give up his wife, now he had nothing to lose. when he said that, deep in his heart, she knows he's aching. she felt really guilty. the three siblings were the cause of their divorce. at this time, she was made speechless by her guilts. there's no way that she can comfort him, cause she cant even comfort herself right now. though she's feeling really lousy, but she still had to control her emotions and comfort her aunt, telling her not to do it again.

yea. that uncle. she will sense those guilts whenever she sees him. he had done so much for them, but she really disappoint him for wat had happened. wat James don wish to be repeated from her parents' history, she did it without even been reminded of him. she regretted. really. sorry uncle!!

cold grey shelter

yea. finally, after all the plans, she had moved to her aunt's place on last sat. on the first day, it was really terrible+miserable. no one went to fetch her. hence she had to move all the 4boxes of heavy books all by herself. this had made her feel really sorry for herself, and moreover, the minute she reached there, all she get was scolding upon scolding by her aunt. at this minute, she just burst into tears. she was crying for few hours. she's not those girls who cries easily, but on that day, she just cant help it. tears just roll down her eyes like any damage water hose-uncontrollable. she cried till her eyes, nose and face were all red and swollen. when her sis knew about it, immediately, she wants her to return home, but she didnt want to end it this way. she had not even stay there for a day, she was still full of hopes, things might turn out better. however, things didnt turn out as she thought. when those adults knew it, they lectured her. no comforting words, they told her that she's big enough and must control her emotions. and, even the adults' kids were making a joke out of her. THEY SAID SHE CRIES LIKE A GOLDFISH!!!. oh man! at that moment, she really hated this family.

days followed, she presence in this family seems 'extra'. she will get scolding or lecturings everyday. they are really strict people. this is what she wants, but the unbearable pressure that not many can take had made her doubt the decision to move there. in times, she will have the urge to leave that cold and grey shelter. she really missed her family. though they are her relatives but she's really sure that she arent part of their family. yea they are under the same roof, but she can sense the barrier with them clearly.

every day is an at least 3hours trip. though she used to wake up even earlier than that daily in that old familar place, but this just seem more tiring and exhausting. perhaps it's the long trip that harden her joints. she could hardly move after every trip. and in the morning, she had to rush for the first bus. if she happens to miss that one, she will then be sure that she definitely will be late.

ytd was a good day for her. no lecturings and things go quite smoothly for her. she was asked to teach her little cousin chinese spelling. she really enjoy this moment. she thinks that this made them closer. she thinks she begins to spot some colours on those not very visible edges of that cold grey shelter.

June holidays

this is a really busy holiday for her. a holiday is suppose for her to take a break, but she seem even more busy than ever. during the first two weeks of her holiday, there's almost extra lessons every single day. she had 2camps, kayaking lessons, netball training, youth carnival set up, meetings, church stuffs, working and last of all, on the move. yea.

many thought that she's really free or that when she missed some activities, they thought she's lazy or stuffs like that, but nope. she not that kinda person. it's that she's too busy. at times she felt so aimless. yea. and this is also part of the reasons for her absentees. often, she wishes to do all those responsibilities and tasks that many had put on her to the best that she can, but often, she just make a mess. she really wants to show out all her potential and she knows that she capable of doing them, or maybe better. nah. forget it

none was her friend

now that exams are over, her other burden was lighten. she didnt score well for them and was pretty discouraged by it. at times she really feel like givng it up as in not schooling and stuffs like that. it was really pressurising. at that moment, she was so scared that she skipped her first exams. and when she's so corked up, no one seems to be there at that moment. though she often encourages herself by saying everything's over, but somehow, she's still so pressured. something's oppressing her from moving on, but just what is it?many times she feels empty too. hmm. she needs a friend. this is really pathetic, she dont even have a friend that she can relate to, no one. and not even her siblings.

today when she returned to school, she find that she cant cope. like there were too much stuffs for her to do and about that eLearning thingy too. she told her maths teacher that she needs a hardcopy and that teacher was so relunctant to give it to her. worse still, she made it like as if it's her fault. she asked her "TO MAKE FULL USE OF YOUR FRIENDS" how can she possibly make full use of friends when she have none? she didnt want to explain nor clarify and was really upset about it. "how can someone have no friend at all?" this is really so pathetic man, she's really so pathatic. despite of this, she plan to ask her classmates to save it in the tumbdrive for her, but all of them seem was willing. and therefore, no one helped her. oh man, she feels that she really look so pathetic man.

she really want to make friends, but she cant possibly to go to people and say things like," hey can you be my friend?" right? she wants her friends back. she wants to befriend with yanhan and some others(some cant be mentioned) but she just cant. they seem to have lead their own life and they really look so good and fine with life nowadays, so how can she be so self-centered to destroy their happiness?

and her church friends? she feels a distance with them. like they can longer click that well. and it's like the only thing they can see about each other are all negative. yea. and even her closes church friend was no exception. they no longer have things to talk about. nah, maybe some are really nice people, but they all are just not those that she needed.

during recess, she had spent about one hour talking to a girl who her teacher had asked her to counsol. yea. that girl told her about her friend was rejecting her friendship. and then out of no where, she told that girl her own story. -someone whom she really respected told her that if you have one soulmate, you are already a very blessed person as many in this world, up to the time in their tomb, they might not even found a good friend. and in her life, she met three of them, so actually, she's really blessed, but she just take them for granted, and she just lose all of them at almost the same moment. and when she realised her mistakes, everything seems too late. theses were those of her greatest regrets. and maybe these failures were the root that was oppressing her from accepting new friends. yea. she just have this problem, she just tends to reject everyone, because she feels that she do not need anyone except for that three. she just wants them, and she had so much unrevealed truths to explain and clarify to them, but yea, everything's too late now.

that small boy teacher

he's so small boy. he is so small in size and his character too. like a small boy. sometimes, she find him quite gay. (too gentle to ppl) he treats her very well. he's those few who is confident that xueni had changed. he's a christian too. so she find it so easy to click with him. she's probably his favorite student, she think? she really likes him. yea. she likes those blur blur, stupid stupid and abit small boy guys who doesn't know how to coax girls. but at the same time mature too. he's those mr nice guy. she never intend to be with him, or that she love him. she just likes him and look upon him. dat's all. cause she never want to get herself emotionally attached yet. so, she just hope to know him better. yea. dat's all.

a great change

she was feeling really dry ytd and was thinking abt backsliding again. she just think that maybe those things in the bibble are all made up. and those words that those ppl are preaching were just some philosophy that uses the words in the bibble to be the supportive evidence. and wat if there isn't such thing call god? then everyone will really look like a fool. and wat abt those "encounters with god"? then this means that it's their minds that's playing tricks with them. but she start changing her thoughts when carol showed her a verse from the bibble, "Now this I say lest anyone should deceive you with persuasive words. For thought I am absent in flesh, yet I am with you in spirit, rejoicing to see your good order and the steadfastness of your faith in Christ. As therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him." she was starting to get excited again she was trying so hard to get excited again and she did. but then later after the service, they all went for dinner. a member happen to lecture her infront of everyone. and no one seems to understand how awkward and bad she feels. the worse thing is that some of her friends still "add salt" to it. it is not that she can't accept others comments, but those words were really too harsh and it really hurt her pride. that member really made her feel so lousy abt herself. and it's like, finally she was starting to get back to move on. she was starting recovering from those hurts and walking out of the darkness. her words, those words really really hurt her pride. she really feel so lousy abt herself. like as if she's some childish, immature and wildful girl who doesn't reflect on her own actions. and that all these while, she thought that she had grown up to be more sensible and mature after those incidents. and these were the only things that she is proud of abt those bad memories. these were those that she used to console herself abt her filthy past. but that member just destroy everything. this means that she had not change. not at all. yea. she's still as filthy. just a dirt. no, worse. just like a piece of SHIT. xueni is just a stupid bitch. SLUT!!

insensitive

the other time her catholic teacher was preaching to the class abt some nasty people. and when he said that they were insensitive, she was hit really hard on her head. wat a powerful word he had used. yea. at times we all were so insensitive and self-centred. he told the class abt two stories. one abt a sec one boy was beaten by his friends and was now laying in the hospital in coma. the other was that two staffs was making a joke out of our heavenly father. she was kinda mad with those inmature staffs and have the urge to scream at them. yea. she thought anyone who was there will probably do that, but she was really impressed by this teacher's reaction. he just told them calmly," if this was your father, do u still think it is a joke?" this is a good one man! yea. indeed he's the disciple of god. patient and calm. with a big heart. she thinks she really have much to improve and learn. he also made her feel guilty abt her harsh character. this action of his really reavel some of his charm. she used to think he's immature, hot-tempered and stuffs like that, but yea, this really change her opinions abt him. she thinks she start to like him. haha ;p

be satisfied

people come and go? yea? all she friends did. don know why, had this, "being used" feelings.

for the past few days, everything's alright. i mean, she's often left alone, but she don feel lonely at all, instead kinda satisfied with her life. though there were still little little problems, but they don hinder her at all. yea. maybe she've learnt, to be satisfied and also, because she knows that her heavenly father will be with her wherever she goes. at times, she will rank up the past too and she cant help, but to be a little emotional. she thought to herself that maybe she had trusted the wrong guy. including the person who knows her secrets. she was kinda regret for teling him. she shouldn't have told him. looking at her path of life, she feels that she's really filthy. she carried so much stains with her. it was her wildfulness that stained her and that she probably had to carry them with her for the rest of her life. however, she trusted the lord. the bibble says," if you confess, he is faithful to forgive you and to cleanese you from all the unrightousness." she told herself to have faith and wait. yea. maybe this is the only way that she can console herself to move on. and that's how she become satisfied.

the 2.4km run

it was kinda terrible. she felt tired after only less than a round. but depite of her tireness, she was determine to finish everything. yea. and she got 5th. though it was quite a good result for a girl, but she's not satisfied as it was not her fullest potential. she was quite sick today, as she hasn't recover from her past sickness and had a very bad running nose. she can hardly breathe after running 1 round. she nose was blocked and her windpipe. it was terrible. and she thought she would faint any moment. nah. but anyway, she will make sure seh break her own records next yr.

a good start

"yesterday is a history,
tomorrow is a mystery,
and today?
today is a Gift.
that's why we called it the present."

yea. it caught her eye while reading some self-improvement book and she thought it make some sense. thursday's audition was terrible. her disc was in the wrong format, so it was unable to play. so it was quite a blow to her. ha. so she's gonna sing with no music. after singing the first two sentences, she paused. she actually forgotten the lyrics!!! and all the audience there were laughing at her. oh man, how malu can this be? without finshing the song, she ran off. though it didnt turn out good, but she thought that it was a good memory. ha.

ytd after cg, she went fellowship with the other cg. jia hui bought a rubics cube and she was playing with it for the whole afternoon. it was kinda fun. and they all joked and say maybe this $1 thingy can entertain her for the whole month. ha. so stupid.

on her way home, she chatted with zhi yan and then he went to visit her bro. yea. she thought that they could get along quite well.she really wish that zhi yan could visit her bro often as her bro is not very sociable. yea.

an audition

oh man, the CHC ppl just call her ytd to inform her abt the audition. she has to go for a vocal solo audition, but she has only abt a day of preparation time. she hasn't even choose any songs!!! wat should she do man? she think this is really bad. later in the afternoon she'll be meeting up wif carol and meiyin for help. yea. ishe remember she wanna ask someone to go to watch her, but she just cant remember who... haiya..

just face it

sometimes she really cant face the fact that ppl come and go. she just cant accept that ppl wouldnt treat u as good if they no longer interested in u. many years ago, she had already realised it but maybe she nv really thought of it for very long, so eventually forget all abt it. but now, she start realising it again. many of her friends are like this, and they had left her. yea. and all of their reasons were the same-she's no longer important to them. why is ppl so realistic?

she had just meet up with some of her friends for dinner. she feels that this friend of hers is mentally unstable and he's trying to help others. i mean, how can a person who cant swim help a person who's drowning? so she think that he need to know. she tried to tell him this, indirectly, but he cant understand her, so she just tell him straight. but she thinks that her words were too "impactful" which might have hurt him.

she thinks she must have eaten the wrong things today. she was lecturing yanhan infront of others!! she knows that she had made him so embarrassed and he might not be as close to her after that, but this shall not made her change her thinking cos she only stand out for the truth. and b'cos she cares for him. if he don understand this, then she can assured that he's immature. and also, she really didnt like it.

yea. mature? let talk abit abt it. it's just some title ppl put on you, she thought. actually no one is mature as this word is just used as an opinion from ppl. some may think you are while others are not. as different ppl have different views and opinion. yea. so u don have to put it to hard. no one is mature in this world and the mature ppl others is talking abt are just sensible. able to understand their surroundings well. yup.

oh, kenneth's online now. had kenneth forgive her? she wonders. all these while she really feel so bad abt him. so sorry. she long wanted to say it to him personally and talk things clear, but she didnt have the chance. actually she still miss him and will often think of him. she really hope that he will still miss her.

she's really so empty. she thinks she need some hugs. she miss those hugs which have touched her. she especially miss that man who's the first person who have hugged her. that was when she's in sec1. she was crying and he used his big and gentle hand to held her head, and place it on his broad and comfortable chest then held her warmly. she was crying in his arms. she felt so touched. probably the most touching thing that had ever happen in her life yea. she just miss that.

kinda sad

nah.. just finish after some sports rite now. it's been weeks since she last excercise and now, she feel abit of life again. sports is her life and that time she just runaway from it. because she don noe who is she is. and was very disappointed with herself. basically, she's just someone who runaway from the things which make her disappointed. she's kinda coward.

easter's really great, she thought. it really brought her closer to god and the rest. and guess wat, many was saved that day and one of them is her friend. she feels so guilty for being so irresiponsible as she never went to fetch that friend personally. though this is so, but god is a good god, he answered her prayers as she had been praying abt salvation. god really loves ppl, he must have been overjoyed to see many getting save. she feels happy too as some scenes flashes through her mind. it is abt the scene when her friend, samuel told her that when a person was saved, it's just like a new bulb being lighted up. so, if everyone get save, this world wouldnt have darkness and that day, god will return. yea. she remembered it so clearly. it really impact her. cos last time she really don understand why carol always working so hard, reaching out and that time she even ever mistook her. maybe many don understand why she's so close to samuel, and even ask her to stop seeing samuel at that time. but she knows, they just don understand. he really teach her many stuffs and most of all, make her really love god. yea. during the svc, she's really excited. she was dancing, singing and jumping. yea. the friend beside her did the same thing. she's none other than carol. haha. while watching the drama, tears just rolled down her eyes. she felt the pain. jesus' pain when he was crucified and that scene was so real. as if she was there to witness it.

yan han went too, but he never manage to watch the drama as they werent allow to get in. the svc was too packed. maybe it's not his time yet. but it's sure not a waste trip. they talk for hours just like in the past. yea. she told him everything. every single guilts and regrets. and all she wrong doings. it really remind her of many ppl, and some she really miss... and one of them is lun. so, she tried to called lun, but no one answered. yea. maybe it's fate. and after her svc, she remembered that she wanted to talk to lun, but by then, she didnt have the courage. lun is the other that she had hurt so deeply. they didnt contact for almost 2yrs. maybe to him, she's just some irresponsible girl who just come and go without a word, who forgets all abt him when she went secondary school and only will look for him when she was hurt by someone who she really care. yea. she treated him like a dirt and that time, she didnt even notice it. but when she grew older and sensible, she really regreted it. regret for not cherishing him. but everything seems too late right now. so she don even bother to give him a call.