Sunday, July 20, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
See you at Stage 9! ;)
yea. kind of getting the rhythm to lead a fruitful life again with God. definitely walking with God isn't necessary the easiest way, we've got to give our time and our best. well, i'm willing to sacrifice my "issac"-M.Y.
this man has an attractive child-likeness in him. he can really behave like a little boy when you get close to him. his silly-ness is something that makes him so special. he is a very determined and focus person who constantly renew his mind to be on track with the Lord. furthermore, this determination of his often influences me to want to be focus with my walk with God too.
however, i finally come to an understanding that no matter how much i love to hang around with him, i can't. it will distract me from my walk with the Lord. i need to redirect myself to Him and love Him with all my heart, mind and soul.
though there was this feeling of "it's you!" in both of our hearts, but we clearly know that we're not ready. so all we can do is just to leave it to God, whose plans will be much greater than what i can think or imagine.
"if it's yours, it's yours", said Darryl
yes, i trust the Lord. it's because it's the Lord that i've handed it to, therefore i shall be double assured that all things will be made beautiful in His hands. for He knows my heart and my desires.
like what Ming Yao has been consistantly reminded me of,
Stage 1: i met him
Stage 2: Carol helped to lift me
Stage 3:
Stage 4:
"
"
"
Stage 8/9: we might met again if it's God's will. He has wiser plans. so trust in the Lord!
definitely this is quite painful, but like what Pastor Tan said, we've got to have discernment in us-the gift of the Holy Spirit to see things which is unseen with our naked eyes.
Exercise my gift of the Holy Spirit! don't let it turn rusty!! :)
now my priorities:
#1: God!!! :)
#2: Family
#3: studies (God's purpose for me)
#4: losing more weight. LOL
#5: money $$
加油。加油
Thursday, July 10, 2008
leave in deceive for 6 months
saw JC's nick which includes Evon's name. well, was reminded that he used to tell me he's not the kinda guy who will announce to the whole world how loving he is with his girlfriend. yea. guess that i've found out another lie of his.
i hate this feeling of being troubled by him. i dont want to! i just wanna love God whole-heartedly. i need to focus on God and my studies. just read my previous postings, i used to yearn so much for God and to glorify His name. i wanted to get the scholarship so much in the past. cant actually imagine i actually gave up all my dreams to a man who is full of lies. i dont hate him, but merely think i made the right choice this time round by leaving. definitely.
i hate this feeling of being troubled by him. i dont want to! i just wanna love God whole-heartedly. i need to focus on God and my studies. just read my previous postings, i used to yearn so much for God and to glorify His name. i wanted to get the scholarship so much in the past. cant actually imagine i actually gave up all my dreams to a man who is full of lies. i dont hate him, but merely think i made the right choice this time round by leaving. definitely.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Finding Joy In The Lord Once Again
has it been a month since we'd broke up? i cant remember. definitely what i'm sure of is that JC is back together with his first and greatest love, Evon. well, i dont think i'm in a position to comment on his decision, but what i'm sure of is that, this man is too confused now to make any right decisions. He needs God. every night i'll pray that God will send an 'angel' to him to guide and protect him to walk right with God again. Temptations are great in this broken down world. i just hope he will be able to learn to resist himself and reponse correctly to them.
certainly, i've found my joy with the Lord once again. indeed, we can only fully realise a thing's importance when we lose it. that was the second time i abandoned God, i dont wanna lose Him in my life again. i love Him.
thank God for placing people like Carol , Grace and Ming Yao into my life to help me in my wak with Him. to remind me of God's promises to me and to dependent on Him,for all man shall disappoint me but not Him.
Ming Yao says, It's a test that God has for the both of us. to wait and obedience to His words before any 'green light' is given. we clearly know that this test shall last us for at least 2 years. all we have to do is just to trust in the Lord and all this shall be added on to us. Amen.
certainly, i've found my joy with the Lord once again. indeed, we can only fully realise a thing's importance when we lose it. that was the second time i abandoned God, i dont wanna lose Him in my life again. i love Him.
thank God for placing people like Carol , Grace and Ming Yao into my life to help me in my wak with Him. to remind me of God's promises to me and to dependent on Him,for all man shall disappoint me but not Him.
Ming Yao says, It's a test that God has for the both of us. to wait and obedience to His words before any 'green light' is given. we clearly know that this test shall last us for at least 2 years. all we have to do is just to trust in the Lord and all this shall be added on to us. Amen.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
My Testimony
“My parents had a “shot-gun” marriage at the age of 19 and 20 for mummy and daddy respectively. True enough, they were too young to handle the cruelness of reality after the three of us were born. We lived in one-room flat and living conditions were really poor as they were both uneducated.
Being young at age, they were irresponsible. Mummy would leave us at our grandma’s place and went clubbing and partying with her friends. I’m not very sure where daddy were, as this was what my grandma ‘recite’ to me daily in my childhood days to remind my siblings and I of how unwanted and unloved we were.
From the time I remembered, daddy was a wife-beater. I don’t remembered why he abused us, but till now, I can still remember his scary eyes vividly though I was merely four years old. Each time, we would run to the nearest police post at our vicinity for rescue and mummy would step out, in front of us to shield us from the uncontrollable monster. This happens so often that the policemen became so familiar with us. Recalling now, the scene of mummy whole body bruised from the beaten vividly scarred in my memory. However, mummy did not leave daddy as I know she loved him very much.
Due to the desperation forced by poverty, mummy had to sleep with other men to ‘borrow’ money to provide for the three of us as her allowance as a dish-washer was too little, where daddy just rots at home. Rumors spread fast by the efficient Nosey Parkers in the market and I guess this was the reason why daddy became violent.
The misery did not last long, but should I consider it as a relieve or not, as it all ended when mummy passed away when I was merely seven. Perhaps to others and even my grandma, mummy was cheap, but in our eyes, she’s our ‘wonder woman’, she’s noble, she’s the best.
I can hardly remember my primary school days as I was often bullied by my schoolmates and even my relatives. However, I remembered I was quite a talented child.
This event I guess my siblings and I will never forget. When I was P2, my bro P4 and sis P5, my aunty (mummy’s sis) brought us Malaysia. However at the checkpoint, my bro’s passport had fault, they mercilessly abandoned him there and drove away, leaving this poor and helpless boy standing in the middle of the busy road at the checkpoint, flagging for kind Singaporeans to drive him back to town.
As I was promoted to Bedok North Secondary School as the top for PSLE aggregate, I promise myself I will not be bullied anymore, so I became rebellious and was blacklisted as the new most target student by my OM, DM, P and VP. I was so ‘popular’ that the whole school knew my reputation, as smart but rebellious. My teachers were most glad when I’m not in the class, so no one will disrupt their lessons. My mindset was, ‘the fiercer I am, the least people will try to bully me”. True enough, no one dared to bully me and them hypocritically tried hard to be my friends. I knew it, so I only had one soul mate.
Although I tried with all my might to protect and cherish this friendship, it last merely a year. With the great hope tarnished and pressures from my family as my uncle was in heavy debt, I broke into depression and commit suicide. On March 7, 2005, I was sent to Institute of Mental Health (IMH) for a week.. Then, I continued in my depression and refused to talk.
In January2006, I was almost sent to St Andrew’s Home for being rebellious. In my rebellious days, I committed rioting, illegal gathering, threatening, fighting, defiance, truancy, vandalism and providing false statement.
On July29, 2005, I started attending church. However I wasn’t strong until December 25, 2006 when I dedicated my life once again to God. This was the turning point of my life, of course, also with the help from my teachers too. They act as a’ part-time’ mummy to me when I needed motherly love most, provide advice for me and listened to me. Basically I can share with them anything under the sun, even my deepest secrets. Eventually, I was one of the top students 2007, graduating with 4As, 2Bs and 2Cs for my O’ levels.
I’m very grateful to them and I value kinship more than my life, I hope to keep up the good work and eventually impacted more youths as I share my experiences with them.
Once I heard this story of a star-thrower once from my pastor.
“One day, the wave washes all the star-fishes onto the shore. There were thousands of them which were dehydrating and dying. Sadden upon seeing these, the boy started picking up the star-fishes one by one and throw them back to the sea. A man walk passed and told the boy this,
“There are thousands of them, u can’t possibly save them all, don’t waste your effort.”
Boy: “I know I can’t save them all, but what I know is that for every one star-fish that I throw, I’m making that ONE DIFFERENCE! So, I’ll continue throwing and throwing.”
Though my strength alone is small, but as long as I know I can make that ONE difference, I’ll continue being a star-thrower.
Being young at age, they were irresponsible. Mummy would leave us at our grandma’s place and went clubbing and partying with her friends. I’m not very sure where daddy were, as this was what my grandma ‘recite’ to me daily in my childhood days to remind my siblings and I of how unwanted and unloved we were.
From the time I remembered, daddy was a wife-beater. I don’t remembered why he abused us, but till now, I can still remember his scary eyes vividly though I was merely four years old. Each time, we would run to the nearest police post at our vicinity for rescue and mummy would step out, in front of us to shield us from the uncontrollable monster. This happens so often that the policemen became so familiar with us. Recalling now, the scene of mummy whole body bruised from the beaten vividly scarred in my memory. However, mummy did not leave daddy as I know she loved him very much.
Due to the desperation forced by poverty, mummy had to sleep with other men to ‘borrow’ money to provide for the three of us as her allowance as a dish-washer was too little, where daddy just rots at home. Rumors spread fast by the efficient Nosey Parkers in the market and I guess this was the reason why daddy became violent.
The misery did not last long, but should I consider it as a relieve or not, as it all ended when mummy passed away when I was merely seven. Perhaps to others and even my grandma, mummy was cheap, but in our eyes, she’s our ‘wonder woman’, she’s noble, she’s the best.
I can hardly remember my primary school days as I was often bullied by my schoolmates and even my relatives. However, I remembered I was quite a talented child.
This event I guess my siblings and I will never forget. When I was P2, my bro P4 and sis P5, my aunty (mummy’s sis) brought us Malaysia. However at the checkpoint, my bro’s passport had fault, they mercilessly abandoned him there and drove away, leaving this poor and helpless boy standing in the middle of the busy road at the checkpoint, flagging for kind Singaporeans to drive him back to town.
As I was promoted to Bedok North Secondary School as the top for PSLE aggregate, I promise myself I will not be bullied anymore, so I became rebellious and was blacklisted as the new most target student by my OM, DM, P and VP. I was so ‘popular’ that the whole school knew my reputation, as smart but rebellious. My teachers were most glad when I’m not in the class, so no one will disrupt their lessons. My mindset was, ‘the fiercer I am, the least people will try to bully me”. True enough, no one dared to bully me and them hypocritically tried hard to be my friends. I knew it, so I only had one soul mate.
Although I tried with all my might to protect and cherish this friendship, it last merely a year. With the great hope tarnished and pressures from my family as my uncle was in heavy debt, I broke into depression and commit suicide. On March 7, 2005, I was sent to Institute of Mental Health (IMH) for a week.. Then, I continued in my depression and refused to talk.
In January2006, I was almost sent to St Andrew’s Home for being rebellious. In my rebellious days, I committed rioting, illegal gathering, threatening, fighting, defiance, truancy, vandalism and providing false statement.
On July29, 2005, I started attending church. However I wasn’t strong until December 25, 2006 when I dedicated my life once again to God. This was the turning point of my life, of course, also with the help from my teachers too. They act as a’ part-time’ mummy to me when I needed motherly love most, provide advice for me and listened to me. Basically I can share with them anything under the sun, even my deepest secrets. Eventually, I was one of the top students 2007, graduating with 4As, 2Bs and 2Cs for my O’ levels.
I’m very grateful to them and I value kinship more than my life, I hope to keep up the good work and eventually impacted more youths as I share my experiences with them.
Once I heard this story of a star-thrower once from my pastor.
“One day, the wave washes all the star-fishes onto the shore. There were thousands of them which were dehydrating and dying. Sadden upon seeing these, the boy started picking up the star-fishes one by one and throw them back to the sea. A man walk passed and told the boy this,
“There are thousands of them, u can’t possibly save them all, don’t waste your effort.”
Boy: “I know I can’t save them all, but what I know is that for every one star-fish that I throw, I’m making that ONE DIFFERENCE! So, I’ll continue throwing and throwing.”
Though my strength alone is small, but as long as I know I can make that ONE difference, I’ll continue being a star-thrower.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Motivated
Haven't been to school for the pass four days. Just received a message from Ee Ling that i've gotten 8/10 for my chem tests and 14.5/ 25 for GP test. though compared to my secondary school's results, these are considered bad, but somehow, i was really motivated and encourage by it. Cause i hacen pass a single one since i enter JC. and one thing i'm glad is that, God indeed is good. He blessed me iwth a very good friend-Ee Ling. Praise the Lord!
Friday, May 02, 2008
Reality Strikes Me
STUDY HARD!!I've missed school for 2 days already. Well, i've realised i was too naive. yea. How can i possibly concentrate with him around? I'm really troubled. Cause i've always made a promise to myself that i'll make my family proud by being the first one to get into uni. Now, with my horrendous result, i doubt i can even make it for J1, don't even say uni.
Xueni, Xueni, you have to really buck up and be discipline!!
I've decided, i'll set rules for myself. If i don fulfill it, i shall leave and just make sure i get into uni.
RULE #1: must go to school everyday
RULE#2: cannot be late for school more than 3 times in a year
RULE#3: i must pass all my tests. cannot fail more that 3 in a term
RULE#4: must complete all my hw on time, best if i can complete them within that day itself
RULE#5: must fulfill a revision time of 20 hours a week
Wake up my dear!! This place is not your house!! They are not your family!!! Yesterday we went to watch Forbidden Kingdom together with the mum. After the show, i asked her how is it, and she just told me, not so good. Ended. Yet today she was discussing it excitedly with her daughter. I really understand that no matter what, i'm just his another girlfriend. How possibly can i be as close with her just like a biological daughter? So Xueni, stop being naive and buy in their comforting words. They said that just to make you feel more accepted in the house.
WAKE UP NOW!!!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The Bet
This morning, I really have the urge to leave this place, this house, leave him. However, there just seem to be a strength that's holding me back each time i have the same thought. In the end, i stayed. I guess, i really love him.
At times, he will make me really mad, while he just expects me to forgive he each time by just saying this insignificant word-sorry. However, yet i'll still stupidily forgive him each time. The power of love, i guess.
Today i asked his mum for opinion on if i should leave him. She told me it's a bet. The bet is on if i will believe he will change for the better, but it would take a couple of years. Do i want to wait, or just end and stop waste my time and effort on this man. I knew my answer is to continue in the bet, because i love him, but i know i might have the urge to leave again the next time he make me really mad. Well, all i can say is, which couple don't bicker?
Why do i love him? I often ask myself. He has nothing. No money, no car, no house, no qualification. Neither is he hardworking nor dilligent. He has no definite goals in life. And actually he's really lazy. But just why would i fall in love with him? Maybe it's his cheerfulness? Or is it his kind heart? Well, to the others, he may seem unworthy to be with me, but the fact is, i'm the one that is unworthy. Cause the man really has a golden heart. He never despise anyone, even the bangaladesh workers in his dad's company. He still befriend them. I guess even for me, sometimes i'll think they are inferior as what the society has taught. Most importantly, i know he loves me much too.
I really love the watch him sleep! He behaves like a baby when he sleeps. I like to watch he dance along with the techno to irritate me. He looks really retarded. I think he looks really cute when he rise he eyebrows, open his eyes big, slant his a little amd smile to me to check if i'm alright.
I guess he loves me much too. When i'm hungry, he cooks instant noodles for me. When i'm ill, he feeds me and took care of me. When im naughty, refusing to eat the medicine, he threatens to inform my tigress sis. LOL. When i'm greedy, he accomodates me by buying them to me. When i'm lazy, he forces me to do homework. When i feel down, he comforts me. When i'm troubled, he just seat quietly and lent me a pair of listening ears till the whole night. when i cry, he wepts my tears for me and even help me to dig my nose when it's blocked! When i'm angry, he make me laugh using his silliness. When i feel alone in this world, he shared with me his wonderful family. He just shower me with much love each day, that's why he's special and i makes me stupidity forgive him each time he disappoints me.
I really love him.
At times, he will make me really mad, while he just expects me to forgive he each time by just saying this insignificant word-sorry. However, yet i'll still stupidily forgive him each time. The power of love, i guess.
Today i asked his mum for opinion on if i should leave him. She told me it's a bet. The bet is on if i will believe he will change for the better, but it would take a couple of years. Do i want to wait, or just end and stop waste my time and effort on this man. I knew my answer is to continue in the bet, because i love him, but i know i might have the urge to leave again the next time he make me really mad. Well, all i can say is, which couple don't bicker?
Why do i love him? I often ask myself. He has nothing. No money, no car, no house, no qualification. Neither is he hardworking nor dilligent. He has no definite goals in life. And actually he's really lazy. But just why would i fall in love with him? Maybe it's his cheerfulness? Or is it his kind heart? Well, to the others, he may seem unworthy to be with me, but the fact is, i'm the one that is unworthy. Cause the man really has a golden heart. He never despise anyone, even the bangaladesh workers in his dad's company. He still befriend them. I guess even for me, sometimes i'll think they are inferior as what the society has taught. Most importantly, i know he loves me much too.
I really love the watch him sleep! He behaves like a baby when he sleeps. I like to watch he dance along with the techno to irritate me. He looks really retarded. I think he looks really cute when he rise he eyebrows, open his eyes big, slant his a little amd smile to me to check if i'm alright.
I guess he loves me much too. When i'm hungry, he cooks instant noodles for me. When i'm ill, he feeds me and took care of me. When im naughty, refusing to eat the medicine, he threatens to inform my tigress sis. LOL. When i'm greedy, he accomodates me by buying them to me. When i'm lazy, he forces me to do homework. When i feel down, he comforts me. When i'm troubled, he just seat quietly and lent me a pair of listening ears till the whole night. when i cry, he wepts my tears for me and even help me to dig my nose when it's blocked! When i'm angry, he make me laugh using his silliness. When i feel alone in this world, he shared with me his wonderful family. He just shower me with much love each day, that's why he's special and i makes me stupidity forgive him each time he disappoints me.
I really love him.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
1st PW Meeting-which gone CRAZY!!
Lol. Fun man! The meeting had just ended. initially it was all serioous and quiet, then, everything had gone crazy when i on the webcam and tried to take some pictures. HAHA. Well, so far, i really enjoyed having such a fun bunch of groupmates.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Confusions
For the past 1 week, there's many decisions swirling in my mind-should i transfer to Innova instead? But what if i manage to transfer there but i no longer stay in Woodlands? Should i just abandon all i have now and return to where i come from? I asked myself, "just what am i clinging on over here? I don belong here!"
Decision were made, I stayed. However, I just cant bring myself to trust him. He told me i should trust him, but they were too flirtish. Have u ever consider my thoughts, my feelings before you do anything? I just stupidily forgive you once and again everytime you failed me. Do u know it's actually a betrayal for you to talk to her so flirtishly. Though in your perception, as long as you didn't have sex with her, it is not any form of betrayal, but i'm telling you now, it is!
Definitions of betray
1.
to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his country.
2.
to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3.
to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one's friends.
4.
to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.
5.
to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal): Her nervousness betrays her insecurity.
6.
to show or exhibit; reveal; disclose: an unfeeling remark that betrays his lack of concern.
7.
to deceive, misguide, or corrupt: a young lawyer betrayed by political ambitions into irreparable folly.
8.
to seduce and desert.
You have left me not knowing what to do with you. Do you know that i actually don't want to behave like an unreasonable girl who throws temper at very little small things? And i'm actually not like what i am now? Neither was I petty nor unreasonable! Do you know that I know of your very own secrets? It something that you don even know of yourself-you don't love me but yourself-you didn't consider my thoughts or feelings before you made any decisions or attempt any actions. You just self-fishly think that "it's my life", yea. And now it'll be very soon. Cause I think I'll be leaving you very soon if this continues. You never know, probably one day when you wake up, I've been gone. And do you know what, I actually didn't want to leave, but you have left me with on choice.
Decision were made, I stayed. However, I just cant bring myself to trust him. He told me i should trust him, but they were too flirtish. Have u ever consider my thoughts, my feelings before you do anything? I just stupidily forgive you once and again everytime you failed me. Do u know it's actually a betrayal for you to talk to her so flirtishly. Though in your perception, as long as you didn't have sex with her, it is not any form of betrayal, but i'm telling you now, it is!
Definitions of betray
1.
to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his country.
2.
to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3.
to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one's friends.
4.
to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.
5.
to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal): Her nervousness betrays her insecurity.
6.
to show or exhibit; reveal; disclose: an unfeeling remark that betrays his lack of concern.
7.
to deceive, misguide, or corrupt: a young lawyer betrayed by political ambitions into irreparable folly.
8.
to seduce and desert.
You have left me not knowing what to do with you. Do you know that i actually don't want to behave like an unreasonable girl who throws temper at very little small things? And i'm actually not like what i am now? Neither was I petty nor unreasonable! Do you know that I know of your very own secrets? It something that you don even know of yourself-you don't love me but yourself-you didn't consider my thoughts or feelings before you made any decisions or attempt any actions. You just self-fishly think that "it's my life", yea. And now it'll be very soon. Cause I think I'll be leaving you very soon if this continues. You never know, probably one day when you wake up, I've been gone. And do you know what, I actually didn't want to leave, but you have left me with on choice.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
My New Class-08S25
Well, guess wat my class is an all girls class in a mixed school!!! lol. A very special class. Sometimes i think it look more like a market!! lol. It's really noisy, especially as it's filled with the sharp voices of all the girls. As usual, i have yet to form MY own cliques. Sometimes i wonder if it's a curse. Haha. However, this is just the 1st wk of us spending our days together, I'm still looking forward to the rest of the 2 yrs together!!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
After Relwase of Posting Result...
Well, I'm posted to JJC. Initially when i got there, i was like, "oh no!! This building looks hunted!!" LOL. Yea, the place is really old. However, after the five days in that school, I kinda feel "bonding" with them. It feels really "home" and "neighbourhood" which feels really like BNSS, my previous secondary school.
The teachers there are hilarious!! There this "Mr Handsome Ng" (he calls himself that?) who the HOD of character development and some others who are really funny. Well the best part of JJ is that everyone feels proud to be a JJcians though academically we're not as good as VJ, TJ and many other JCs, but there's still this JJ spirit in everyone-the cheers, mass dance, jokes, friendliness in JJ. And I'm proud to be a JJcian!! Yea.
The teachers there are hilarious!! There this "Mr Handsome Ng" (he calls himself that?) who the HOD of character development and some others who are really funny. Well the best part of JJ is that everyone feels proud to be a JJcians though academically we're not as good as VJ, TJ and many other JCs, but there's still this JJ spirit in everyone-the cheers, mass dance, jokes, friendliness in JJ. And I'm proud to be a JJcian!! Yea.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
O Levels Results!!
Yea, i 've gotten my results today. Hmm, kinda bad... It's not up to my expectations though i'm still one of the top. I've gotten for myself 4 distinctions. My L1R5 is 14 and L1R4 is 11. really disappointing man. JC says this is the lesson for being over-confident. Yea, probably so. I think i really got to learn to be more humble. Actually my intentions are just to boost my confidence and put more pressure on myself by confessing my goals out to people.
Oh yes, i'll be on the newspaper tommorrow. Cool right?!! The Vice principal called the reporter as she hopes to share my testimonies to the people. Well, i really feel proud of my experiences and i really wanna thank God for all his love, grace and mercy. Though i may have failed Him and upset Him many countless times, but He's still faithful. Praise the Lord!!
When i've reached school just now after such a long time, i really feel at home. i miss BNSS!! Especilly all the teacher there. Mrs Yeow, Mrs Tan and all of them. Mrs Yeow really understands me very well. She's the only one who knows that i'm very dissappointed with my results though i am one of the top while everyone just congratulates me ignorantly.
surprisingly, i've got A1 for my combine humans!! lol. I've always gotten F9 for it. What a great improvement!! Thanks to that irritating Kelvin Lee and Mrs Fong. yea
Oh yes, i'll be on the newspaper tommorrow. Cool right?!! The Vice principal called the reporter as she hopes to share my testimonies to the people. Well, i really feel proud of my experiences and i really wanna thank God for all his love, grace and mercy. Though i may have failed Him and upset Him many countless times, but He's still faithful. Praise the Lord!!
When i've reached school just now after such a long time, i really feel at home. i miss BNSS!! Especilly all the teacher there. Mrs Yeow, Mrs Tan and all of them. Mrs Yeow really understands me very well. She's the only one who knows that i'm very dissappointed with my results though i am one of the top while everyone just congratulates me ignorantly.
surprisingly, i've got A1 for my combine humans!! lol. I've always gotten F9 for it. What a great improvement!! Thanks to that irritating Kelvin Lee and Mrs Fong. yea
Thursday, January 17, 2008
New yr revelations??
Well, I've got into TPJC for the 7 weeks trial. Somehow, i don't think I'm ready for a school life now. On the first day of school, i was late for ha;f an hour. Second day late for one and a half hour. Third day, can't even get up for school. LOL. So somehow, I'm kinda lagging in my work. Yea, stress!! It's something I've never felt for a long time. Especially in the area of my acaedamic. Yup, cause it has always been sokmething I'm strong at. Hmm, I've somehow lost confidence in it. However, my passion for studies and scholar have not end.
JC has entered my life, which I'm extermely thankful for. I really feel so glad that he's there to share with me and lightened my burdens. He loves me deeply, so now I wanna love him deeply with all my heart and strength. However, I know I'm kinda sway away with my work and my purpose, but I'll try to get back soon.
Oh and, I MISS U ALOT VAL!!! I really hope that we can spend more time together just like how we do in the past. haha.
JC has entered my life, which I'm extermely thankful for. I really feel so glad that he's there to share with me and lightened my burdens. He loves me deeply, so now I wanna love him deeply with all my heart and strength. However, I know I'm kinda sway away with my work and my purpose, but I'll try to get back soon.
Oh and, I MISS U ALOT VAL!!! I really hope that we can spend more time together just like how we do in the past. haha.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
My Time In Blue
Hurray!! finally my com is working!! Well, i've been working in a pub throughout this holiday and it's definitely an interesting experience to have! i saw the ugliness of life which i guess many have never seen before. but nevertheless, it is a beautiful place too.
i saw this man hugging one of the waitresses who is of my age-16 and the worst part is, i think he is as old as my dad!! i just hate it man!!
however, the beautiful part is, i think they are all very loving people. they treated me very well, just like a family. well, i'll be leaving after Christmas and i'm sure i'm gonna miss them.
i saw this man hugging one of the waitresses who is of my age-16 and the worst part is, i think he is as old as my dad!! i just hate it man!!
however, the beautiful part is, i think they are all very loving people. they treated me very well, just like a family. well, i'll be leaving after Christmas and i'm sure i'm gonna miss them.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
some good news and goals setting
Well, haven't been posting for a long while and i have a lot of good news to share.
- Finally, i got a new good friend!! She's Valerie. actually i didn't expect we will become good friends. I'm sure the friendship will blossom especially when we build it upon the Lord.
- I'm top in class! hurray!! the best part is that i fulfilled my goal-obtaining top 10 in level position. I've got 6th in level position. i really believe that whatever i visualise, it'll definitely come to pass. keep on keeping on!
- I'm in the most loving, caring, extraordinary, interesting CG!! My new leader is Gloria.W who is a compassionate lady. I'm sure the Cg make a great TEAM (Together Everyone Achieves More).
- This is a surprise, my best friend cum brother cum classmate, Han has a girlfriend! His girlfriend is a very nice lady, they make a perfect pair. But i still hope that we won't be distanced by it.
- I love God even more now!
Hmm, my first paper is on Monday but i haven't prepare for it. i really want to be the top student in BNSS and i know it can happen so long so i work dilligent it for it, for i have a God who will bless me and help me. jia you, Xueni. work harder, and stop slacking!!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
God, please do bless Han
hmm, haven been posting for a long while. Recently was really involve with church and stuffs and then realised that i neglected my studies. however, i'll keep on keeping on in my walk with God.
currently im giving tuition to a few of my friends. i hope and i'll pray for them. especially my dearest friend, Han. i just pray that God will bless him and his family. i really cant afford to lose this angel in my life. and i just realise my obliviousness towards my dependency and attachment to him.
Father i just lift this prayer into your loving hands,
i pray for your favour to come upon Han.
please do send your holy spirit to han to protect and guide him.
please do bless our friendship.
and don ever allow the devil to take him away from me.
i really love him very much.
i pray for my brother and his family.
in Jesus name i pray,
amen.
currently im giving tuition to a few of my friends. i hope and i'll pray for them. especially my dearest friend, Han. i just pray that God will bless him and his family. i really cant afford to lose this angel in my life. and i just realise my obliviousness towards my dependency and attachment to him.
Father i just lift this prayer into your loving hands,
i pray for your favour to come upon Han.
please do send your holy spirit to han to protect and guide him.
please do bless our friendship.
and don ever allow the devil to take him away from me.
i really love him very much.
i pray for my brother and his family.
in Jesus name i pray,
amen.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Save the N239s
yup. yesterday night Rubez and i planned to save ourcell group by calling up one aother at least once a week for a 2 person PM. cool? lol. i think my current cg is under a cuse by the devil and this stupid culture of fallen in love, getting distracted should be stopped and rebuke in Jesus's name! Amen?
however, when affected people being asked and remind, some denied of being part of it and the others stupidily fell into the devil's trap. i think we should really pray about it man. if not Brother MJ out there will soon suffer from a heart attack if more gets affected. and current members that are still focus are just Rubez, Shi Wei and myself. these are the people that i'm very sure of. the rest still not very certain. whatever it is, rubez and myself will stay focus and consistantly remaind each other and not be the next heartache for Bro MJ. we just want to share His burden and raise up in God's kingdom.
so far, the devil had been trying to tempt the both of us with brothers that are really "attractive" and strong. but no matter how good they are or how close the bothers are to us, we will not let the devil have his way. yea
however, when affected people being asked and remind, some denied of being part of it and the others stupidily fell into the devil's trap. i think we should really pray about it man. if not Brother MJ out there will soon suffer from a heart attack if more gets affected. and current members that are still focus are just Rubez, Shi Wei and myself. these are the people that i'm very sure of. the rest still not very certain. whatever it is, rubez and myself will stay focus and consistantly remaind each other and not be the next heartache for Bro MJ. we just want to share His burden and raise up in God's kingdom.
so far, the devil had been trying to tempt the both of us with brothers that are really "attractive" and strong. but no matter how good they are or how close the bothers are to us, we will not let the devil have his way. yea
Sunday, March 04, 2007
my friend, Yue Ze
haha. so this is the silly irritating friend that i had been mentioning in my blog. lol. this pathetic guy was always mentally abuse by me. lol. but i think it have become the other way round now. lol. he has been bullying me. but whatever it is, he certainly is a brother that i look up to and a friend that i will cherish forever. thanks dude.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
i'm never the same
i have been transformed and i knew that. i can feel that in my heart. it's God. well, the friend that i've mention in my last posting have reconciliated with me. yea. praise the lord.
i will not feel insecure or unworthy anymore as i know, my greatest value is my value to God. and my father in heaven is consistent, he will love me unconditionally despite what's my past, what i've did. since i repented, he will forgive me. he loves me.
returning to church is a great challenge for me and of cause my time. but my catholic teacher have really been a great "discipler" to me. teaching me how to prioritise between studies and church. though i still is not very good at it and not coping too well, but i know God is watching over me and carrying me on his back. Faith, is the engine and God is the strength. the activities in church were 'overwhelming' me. and this means that i will have very little time to study. i don even have the time to sleep. i'm really worn out. there are days whereby i just fell asleep suddenly in the afternoon or evening and woke up the next day morning, without knowing it. this is really hard, but there is not a second that i'll complain or regret serving him or walking this walk. i just want to be so close to him. to enter into the highest level of intimacy with him. i just want to be so close to him. i love jesus.
ya, returning to church had drawn me away from Han. i wonder how is he? i think we are so far apart now. the last time i can at least guess what's on his mind,but now, i think we somehow lost this connection. guess that he will never understand my love for God and therefore not understand me. hmm, but whatever it is, Han's position in my heart will never change. i've even placed him in my priorities card. lol.
oh ya, my CG is disbanded. this means that all of us will be seperated soon. i wil miss all of them. yup. and that silly irritate idiotic Yue Ze too. haha. i cherishes all of them, Candice, John, KK, Joey, keith, Hui Ting, Xiu Li, Shawn, Sam, Carmen, Samuel. and probably yue ze will have the greatest impact on me because i have not been treating him well and i think i've really let him down. lol. he is just starting to taste some "sweetness" from me and then we must be separated. i have just start to really cherish him. haha. maybe he's just so 'suai' lol.
i will not feel insecure or unworthy anymore as i know, my greatest value is my value to God. and my father in heaven is consistent, he will love me unconditionally despite what's my past, what i've did. since i repented, he will forgive me. he loves me.
returning to church is a great challenge for me and of cause my time. but my catholic teacher have really been a great "discipler" to me. teaching me how to prioritise between studies and church. though i still is not very good at it and not coping too well, but i know God is watching over me and carrying me on his back. Faith, is the engine and God is the strength. the activities in church were 'overwhelming' me. and this means that i will have very little time to study. i don even have the time to sleep. i'm really worn out. there are days whereby i just fell asleep suddenly in the afternoon or evening and woke up the next day morning, without knowing it. this is really hard, but there is not a second that i'll complain or regret serving him or walking this walk. i just want to be so close to him. to enter into the highest level of intimacy with him. i just want to be so close to him. i love jesus.
ya, returning to church had drawn me away from Han. i wonder how is he? i think we are so far apart now. the last time i can at least guess what's on his mind,but now, i think we somehow lost this connection. guess that he will never understand my love for God and therefore not understand me. hmm, but whatever it is, Han's position in my heart will never change. i've even placed him in my priorities card. lol.
oh ya, my CG is disbanded. this means that all of us will be seperated soon. i wil miss all of them. yup. and that silly irritate idiotic Yue Ze too. haha. i cherishes all of them, Candice, John, KK, Joey, keith, Hui Ting, Xiu Li, Shawn, Sam, Carmen, Samuel. and probably yue ze will have the greatest impact on me because i have not been treating him well and i think i've really let him down. lol. he is just starting to taste some "sweetness" from me and then we must be separated. i have just start to really cherish him. haha. maybe he's just so 'suai' lol.
Friday, January 12, 2007
A two weeks friend
the friend i've made two weeks ago, i've lost it...
i've hurt him. hmm, i've always been a nuisance to him. i'm mean and nasty to him. i had never pay attention to what he'd told me and think it's rubbish. i ask him out on a particular day and left him all alone walking behind, following me. though we often chat on the phone, but i don even know what i've said. basically i think i'm just talking crap to him all these while, trying to get entertained and irritate him. he's just the new target for me to disturb. despite this, he had been listening to my nonsense patiently. he treats me really well, but i treated him like a dirt. whenever i know that he's trying to talk to me, i would close my eyes, letting him to think that i'm taking a nap, but actually is that i don want to talk to him. i don even want to hear his voice. i don know why, the sight of him just irritate me. furthermore, i would just make a big fuss when i think he made a mistake but in fact, it wasnt even a mistake. this is just how nasty i am to him. and that idiot, just stupidily, allowing me to bully him?!! silly fool.
i knew he should be treated better. but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. attitude, cool, numbed are just words to describe the daily me and i'm just those type who will treat you worse the more i care for you. yea. i got to admit this, i care for him and cherish him. though this is so, i will never tell him. never! care and concern don need words to be shown. at least for me? i think so. this is just the way i care.
also, i don wish to be too close to him. maybe it's more of fears. i've made a promise to myself which will probably last for a year. i don wish to get emotionally attached. i fear this friendship would grow into something more. so i'm just trying to prevent disasters from happening. i don wish those stupid chemical reactions in the brain (infactuations/ affections) to spoil the friendship and i know it's not the time yet. moreover, i'm still waiting for the day whereby i return to look for Uncle and talk things clear. i still miss Uncle. and i don want to "betray" him. i still hope to care for my Uncle. also, i'm trying hard to stop him from invading into my past, my privacy and my heart. maybe i'm just too ashame to let him learn about it.
i know i've hurt him badly and these are not very acceptable reasons for me to end this friendship. still, i will do it if i were to be given another chance. i know very well what i'm doing. i know he's hurt and disappointed. but i would rather him beind hurt and disappointed for a few days than him being more wounded in the future when he gets to know the real me. i know he will get over it soon.
i'm sorry my friend, because i cherishes you, so i left.
i've hurt him. hmm, i've always been a nuisance to him. i'm mean and nasty to him. i had never pay attention to what he'd told me and think it's rubbish. i ask him out on a particular day and left him all alone walking behind, following me. though we often chat on the phone, but i don even know what i've said. basically i think i'm just talking crap to him all these while, trying to get entertained and irritate him. he's just the new target for me to disturb. despite this, he had been listening to my nonsense patiently. he treats me really well, but i treated him like a dirt. whenever i know that he's trying to talk to me, i would close my eyes, letting him to think that i'm taking a nap, but actually is that i don want to talk to him. i don even want to hear his voice. i don know why, the sight of him just irritate me. furthermore, i would just make a big fuss when i think he made a mistake but in fact, it wasnt even a mistake. this is just how nasty i am to him. and that idiot, just stupidily, allowing me to bully him?!! silly fool.
i knew he should be treated better. but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. attitude, cool, numbed are just words to describe the daily me and i'm just those type who will treat you worse the more i care for you. yea. i got to admit this, i care for him and cherish him. though this is so, i will never tell him. never! care and concern don need words to be shown. at least for me? i think so. this is just the way i care.
also, i don wish to be too close to him. maybe it's more of fears. i've made a promise to myself which will probably last for a year. i don wish to get emotionally attached. i fear this friendship would grow into something more. so i'm just trying to prevent disasters from happening. i don wish those stupid chemical reactions in the brain (infactuations/ affections) to spoil the friendship and i know it's not the time yet. moreover, i'm still waiting for the day whereby i return to look for Uncle and talk things clear. i still miss Uncle. and i don want to "betray" him. i still hope to care for my Uncle. also, i'm trying hard to stop him from invading into my past, my privacy and my heart. maybe i'm just too ashame to let him learn about it.
i know i've hurt him badly and these are not very acceptable reasons for me to end this friendship. still, i will do it if i were to be given another chance. i know very well what i'm doing. i know he's hurt and disappointed. but i would rather him beind hurt and disappointed for a few days than him being more wounded in the future when he gets to know the real me. i know he will get over it soon.
i'm sorry my friend, because i cherishes you, so i left.
Monday, January 01, 2007
appreciation night-29/12/06
yea. at the party, we are asked to dressed according to our cell group's theme. and my group's theme was nerd!! haha. on the day itself, i went to look for a fake set of teeth which i spend 3hours searching for that place.
when we are all dressed up, my members first gather at the corridor outside the multi-purpose hall at bayshore pak. there came this guy whose name, yue ze. at that moment, i was thnking, "hmm, this guy are not dressed up?" he just merely wear a blouse. when he saw me, i guess he was shock rather than surprise. and that guy just tuck in his blouse and thinking that it look really nerd.haha. i mean, how silly can he be? then i came into a conclusion, personally, he definitely is a nerd. lol.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
SL camp
yea. just came back from camp on monday morning, sunday midnight. lol. it was the service learning camp and she was going there as a facilitator.
her instructor is a guy. he's timothy. the first impression he gave her wasnt really good. she thought he's really childish and playful. so she didnt talk much. during the debriefing tim said that she's too quiet.
on the second day, she became really crazy. she misses the camp. it was really fun.
actually, what she wanted to blog very much is about how much she wished to meet tim. how sad, she was told by the other leaders that they cant exchange contacts as it was the policy. though he can be really playful at times, but he's certainly not. there's sometimes she cant help imagining about having a partner like tim. what will it be? lol. but she's so definite that she doesnt like him. she just wish to get to know this cheerful guy who really had brightened up her life. nah, never mind. she believes in fate, so don worry she told herself, if it's all predestined, they will definitely meet again. yea.
her instructor is a guy. he's timothy. the first impression he gave her wasnt really good. she thought he's really childish and playful. so she didnt talk much. during the debriefing tim said that she's too quiet.
on the second day, she became really crazy. she misses the camp. it was really fun.
actually, what she wanted to blog very much is about how much she wished to meet tim. how sad, she was told by the other leaders that they cant exchange contacts as it was the policy. though he can be really playful at times, but he's certainly not. there's sometimes she cant help imagining about having a partner like tim. what will it be? lol. but she's so definite that she doesnt like him. she just wish to get to know this cheerful guy who really had brightened up her life. nah, never mind. she believes in fate, so don worry she told herself, if it's all predestined, they will definitely meet again. yea.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Coincidence
she no longer fantasise about Uncle. but she cant deny that she misseshim. she will still, often be reminded of him. thinking about him, she started realising something surprising.
about a year ago, she cant remember the exact date, but she is certain that it was last year,she went to Fisherman with Mar and Lynn. Lynn was all excited with her friends as it was her previous workplace. Lynn was introducing her friends and xueni started noticing this man. he looks short, but somehow she was attracted by his back-view. he was standing a distance away from her.
now, recalling it, she realised that that man she saw might be Uncle, or rather, she thinks it's him. it's the same person. oh, is this what people are saying-FATE? if that's the case, can she be assured that they will meet again despite that Fisherman will be closing in this coming sunday and that meansthere's no way for her to see him again. yea. suddenly, she was reminded of a phrase in her compo. she wrote about Uncle too. "other than his name and workplace, she know nothing about this man." yea. that's what she wrote. anyway, he already has a girlfriend.
the irony here is, now, she wish that fate can really bring them back, but at the same time, she dont as she feared that by the time they were brought back together, she will no longer desires him. is this love, or just an affection? whatever it is, she is sure that it will fade away, ya?
if it was fate that brought us together,
then why is it drawing us away too?
is it a ment to be,
or just another prank?
if it was a prank, i will say
i'm not fit for it
cause i've fallen in it and started sinking, drowning
then, you are telling me to get out, it's just a joke.
he was just a stranger before.
one that shouldnt be entering my life,
not appearing in my memories.
but what a big joke you had brought to me,
distrupting my peaceful life,
get me all corked up.
this time round,
i think i've really fallen and drown.
about a year ago, she cant remember the exact date, but she is certain that it was last year,she went to Fisherman with Mar and Lynn. Lynn was all excited with her friends as it was her previous workplace. Lynn was introducing her friends and xueni started noticing this man. he looks short, but somehow she was attracted by his back-view. he was standing a distance away from her.
now, recalling it, she realised that that man she saw might be Uncle, or rather, she thinks it's him. it's the same person. oh, is this what people are saying-FATE? if that's the case, can she be assured that they will meet again despite that Fisherman will be closing in this coming sunday and that meansthere's no way for her to see him again. yea. suddenly, she was reminded of a phrase in her compo. she wrote about Uncle too. "other than his name and workplace, she know nothing about this man." yea. that's what she wrote. anyway, he already has a girlfriend.
the irony here is, now, she wish that fate can really bring them back, but at the same time, she dont as she feared that by the time they were brought back together, she will no longer desires him. is this love, or just an affection? whatever it is, she is sure that it will fade away, ya?
if it was fate that brought us together,
then why is it drawing us away too?
is it a ment to be,
or just another prank?
if it was a prank, i will say
i'm not fit for it
cause i've fallen in it and started sinking, drowning
then, you are telling me to get out, it's just a joke.
he was just a stranger before.
one that shouldnt be entering my life,
not appearing in my memories.
but what a big joke you had brought to me,
distrupting my peaceful life,
get me all corked up.
this time round,
i think i've really fallen and drown.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Heartache
can i say that a new chapter has started now? yea. things have ended, but the fact, the truth she must really admit to herself is that she still cant let go of "her" Uncle.
she's no longer working due to a big scene her sis had created on last sunday. nah, she didnt actually blame on Mar, but just that, ya, there's one lesser reason for her to get near to Uncle. for the past few days after that incident, she was kind of aggitated. she had a really bad control over her emotions. she really likes him. can you understand how serious she is? she thinks that Mar knows that this is really important to her and she's really fussy with this kind of things-relationships.
for this one whole year, she had been really careful. trying to protect herself, not getting hurt, not falling again. hence she had make a definite choice before anything happens and she thought this cant be wrong. she trusted that man so much.but he betrayed her trust? she really thought he felt for her too. at least a little. she always thought that. she don expect him to her too, neither did she expects anything back from him. she just want to continue this rare feeling of excitedment and happiness that he had got her. but even so, he refused to allow her to dote on him, to like him. even until now, she still will refuse to admit this, but she cant, as this had became a real fact.
scenes of Uncle and his girlfriend kept flashing in her mind. how she wish her mind is like a computer, then she could very brave and delete them, not allowing it to bother her. not at all. how can he treat her like this?! he said this before
Uncle:"no matter how empty and lonely i feel, i still want to remind single!"
isn't this what he said? seeing him so sweetly with his girlfriend, she still refuse to admit it. she was still telling herself that, "perhaps, perhaps he's just a close friend of my Uncle" yea. how gulible can she be? the worst part is that she got to admit it as she got to know it from their friend, directly at her face, telling her to give up. her heart was really heavy. her heart ache. this is no exaggarating. that disappointment, sinking, heavy feeling her heart is facing. can you understand?
Uncle, wen can she actually say bye bye? how can you be so carefree. disappointed. this is more of what she feels. Uncle, you betrayed her trust! looks like you don need her to dote on you as you had found your "her".
you're no longer my Uncle, you cant be anymore.
黑夜渗透了想念
偷不走微光闪现的千种画面
我背着伤痛离开
孤单拖着记忆支离破碎
原以为不会改变
眼泪在脸颊上干枯失去知觉
我的心挣脱了爱
跟随着夕阳埋进了海洋
为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷争
现实的翅膀扰乱了原本幸福的气氛
我有我的过错
我有我的疑惑
藏在面对面的折磨背后
为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空
随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
she's no longer working due to a big scene her sis had created on last sunday. nah, she didnt actually blame on Mar, but just that, ya, there's one lesser reason for her to get near to Uncle. for the past few days after that incident, she was kind of aggitated. she had a really bad control over her emotions. she really likes him. can you understand how serious she is? she thinks that Mar knows that this is really important to her and she's really fussy with this kind of things-relationships.
for this one whole year, she had been really careful. trying to protect herself, not getting hurt, not falling again. hence she had make a definite choice before anything happens and she thought this cant be wrong. she trusted that man so much.but he betrayed her trust? she really thought he felt for her too. at least a little. she always thought that. she don expect him to her too, neither did she expects anything back from him. she just want to continue this rare feeling of excitedment and happiness that he had got her. but even so, he refused to allow her to dote on him, to like him. even until now, she still will refuse to admit this, but she cant, as this had became a real fact.
scenes of Uncle and his girlfriend kept flashing in her mind. how she wish her mind is like a computer, then she could very brave and delete them, not allowing it to bother her. not at all. how can he treat her like this?! he said this before
Uncle:"no matter how empty and lonely i feel, i still want to remind single!"
isn't this what he said? seeing him so sweetly with his girlfriend, she still refuse to admit it. she was still telling herself that, "perhaps, perhaps he's just a close friend of my Uncle" yea. how gulible can she be? the worst part is that she got to admit it as she got to know it from their friend, directly at her face, telling her to give up. her heart was really heavy. her heart ache. this is no exaggarating. that disappointment, sinking, heavy feeling her heart is facing. can you understand?
Uncle, wen can she actually say bye bye? how can you be so carefree. disappointed. this is more of what she feels. Uncle, you betrayed her trust! looks like you don need her to dote on you as you had found your "her".
you're no longer my Uncle, you cant be anymore.
黑夜渗透了想念
偷不走微光闪现的千种画面
我背着伤痛离开
孤单拖着记忆支离破碎
原以为不会改变
眼泪在脸颊上干枯失去知觉
我的心挣脱了爱
跟随着夕阳埋进了海洋
为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷争
现实的翅膀扰乱了原本幸福的气氛
我有我的过错
我有我的疑惑
藏在面对面的折磨背后
为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空
随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
an angel's birthday
ha. yesterday mon and xueni planned to give their "angel" a surprise. thiugh it didnt turn out that well in the beginning, but it's sure a memorable and touching wan.
in the beginning, han seen to be suspecting and stuffs. so this made her a little irritated. but later it went on smoothly with the help of han's mum. mon went to han's place first. xueni and joey den went up and hide in han's mum's room while han's bathing. the wait for han to finish his 30mins bath and den yup. he went into his room, they den knock his room. when he open his door,
"happy birthday!!" the three jump out and scream. ha.
she thinks he's touched. his mum too. everyone were really touched. for the first time, she thinks she'd finanlly done something great for him. yea. happy birthday, my angel.
the children's day
yea. let's first blog abt her birthday. basically it ended up more like a "04" gatering. but what ever it is, it sure was a memorable one for them.
why she say them? because she din't actually enjoy herself, instead, feeling really down that night. she saw her Uncle. the man. that man that she had planned long ago to be celebrating her special day with her. though it did nt turn out the way as she wished, but it's all expected. he wished her happy birthday. acting so claim and still as cool as ever. yea. nothing had happened. is this all that he'd used all these while to deceive himself, like what xueni did? oh man, where does all his assurance come from? can he give some to her to make her feel better? though han kept telling her that Uncle is not nice or stuffs, but she's just so assured that he likes her too. it's not all her wishful thinking this time. she's really definite that he feels for her. but maybe just some personal reasons, he can't accept it, not even to himself. what ever it is, she knows, he's not the man.
ok, her birthday? they just drank alot and get drunk? ya? but not her, of cause. she's just high. ha. yuan told her she snored when tey're taking a nap. arh.. of cause she beg them not to tell the others about her embarrassmoents. haha.
Friday, September 29, 2006
"04"-new chapter
yea. tomorrow is the day that she've been looking forward throughout this whole week. she'll be celebrating her birthday with her current "04" friends. they are a bunch of crazy mad dogs, but at the same time, truthful, real, sincere and they definitely have a genuine heart. actually is not her birthday that she's excited about, it's more of the funs and memorable period they might create. she thinks it will be a really crazy one.
thinking of the funs, she just can't help feeling a little down at the same time. should she feel down or happy? basically she'd planned long ago to look for Uncle at her workplace. she wished that he will be the one to celebrate this special day with her. but she knows, this is one of her wishful thinkings too.
ok, let's talk about something happy. she must really thank han for this bunch of friends he had brought her. yea. they really bring her much happiness and fun, especially yuan. he's the craziest guy among them. he's a little dotty, lunatic and funny. every of his actions will seem funny even when he din't actually try to make them laugh. though many may mistook him for his lunatic character, but he's a person that is really sincere to everyone and carries a genuine heart that she's talking about. can you belive this? because xueni really hated the stupid cigratte smell, so he decided to quit smoking for her as he thinks xueni had treated him very well. yea. well, she's touched. erm, more of surprised.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Brotherly Love
yesterday night when she's struggling so hard to force herself to study for her bio exam, her bro called. they started chatting and stuffs.
super weird, she actually told her bro everything. about her past experiences and the "secret" between Uncle and her. this is the first time she really thinks that her bro had "grown up". he showed maturity in the conversation man!! haha. surprisingly, when she told him about all, he didn't give much comments nor lecture her, instead, he was really patient and understanding. he told her not to worry about BGRstuffs right now as nature will take its course. also, he don think she's ready for all these. yea. that's what she thought too.
he also told her not to worry about money. he knows very well that she wanted to buy a notebook, and that's the main reason for her to step into society so early. but somehow, she thinks she gets alittle distracted and lost her sense of direction in life. the last time she can be really assured to tell you that she will be able to get back in track in the shortest possible time, but now.... she just don have these confident. anyway, her bro told her that he will try his best to fork in some money to get her a notebook, even if she doesnt pay a single cent.
yea. because she's not working right now, she giving herself a 'cold turkey' towards Uncle in order to continue the rest of the walk in life. this is one of the greatest challenges in her life as she thinks she is a really clear-minded person, but unfortunately, being killed in the relationship area. she's just too soft towards people. her bro told her that her the best point about her is that though she's naive and innocent, she doesnt get influence and go astray by others. yea. she really like what he said. it's a trust and faith that he puts on her and she really cherish that.
Bro:"i think you're really nice to people. like no matter how much hurt they
have got you into, you will definitely forgive them which is something
i won't."
yea. and this is really stupid. that's her weakest point. too emotional, always allowing emotions to have control over her. what ever it is, her bro just end by telling to really realy bear in mind this two:
super weird, she actually told her bro everything. about her past experiences and the "secret" between Uncle and her. this is the first time she really thinks that her bro had "grown up". he showed maturity in the conversation man!! haha. surprisingly, when she told him about all, he didn't give much comments nor lecture her, instead, he was really patient and understanding. he told her not to worry about BGRstuffs right now as nature will take its course. also, he don think she's ready for all these. yea. that's what she thought too.
he also told her not to worry about money. he knows very well that she wanted to buy a notebook, and that's the main reason for her to step into society so early. but somehow, she thinks she gets alittle distracted and lost her sense of direction in life. the last time she can be really assured to tell you that she will be able to get back in track in the shortest possible time, but now.... she just don have these confident. anyway, her bro told her that he will try his best to fork in some money to get her a notebook, even if she doesnt pay a single cent.
yea. because she's not working right now, she giving herself a 'cold turkey' towards Uncle in order to continue the rest of the walk in life. this is one of the greatest challenges in her life as she thinks she is a really clear-minded person, but unfortunately, being killed in the relationship area. she's just too soft towards people. her bro told her that her the best point about her is that though she's naive and innocent, she doesnt get influence and go astray by others. yea. she really like what he said. it's a trust and faith that he puts on her and she really cherish that.
Bro:"i think you're really nice to people. like no matter how much hurt they
have got you into, you will definitely forgive them which is something
i won't."
yea. and this is really stupid. that's her weakest point. too emotional, always allowing emotions to have control over her. what ever it is, her bro just end by telling to really realy bear in mind this two:
- your main task now is to study hard and beat all the stupid bitches in your class.
- after acheiving no.1, work really hard for notebook.
yea. he told her to be really focus. this time round, she really felt the brotherly love and was actually very touched. "kor, thank you."
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Uncle, bye bye.
She have been working at Pasir Ris for about a month's time and ya, she noticed her involvement in some things had changed her completely. she had became super miserable and lost. She knows that's not the way that she'll be leading her life, not even this minute! Hence she prayed really hard to break this bondage. She rebuke this in Jesus' name!
Ok, how should she start? Hmm, as she had been consistantly working at that place, she became kind of "popular" there, as many really dotes on her, hence she grow to like that place. You know, when you really like a place, you'll always go there.
It's a place whereby you'll be "easily wander off" if you devotes to it. yea. In the beginning she's so confident that she would not, but proven, she's wrong. So wrong. She noticed this guy there and grew a special feeling for him. At that point of time she knows that it's not love, not even like, but just that she thinks he's different from the others. Good impression?
During her September holiday, she worked everyday, as a result, she'll be seeing him daily and things started to change between them. People starts to notice the deep secret between the both of them. She guessed he likes her too? People started to tease them. yea. Now she really believes that there's no secret in this world. There's definitely a person who can see through it. Ok, anyway, they started this teasing thingy and this made the both of them realised and were really clear about their feelings towards one another.
On wednesday night, they were working too. She asked him to keep her phone for her. When she's going back, she remembered that she have to get it back, but the driver uncle that drives her back was rushing her, so she didn't bother to get it. After his work at about 2/3am, he called, telling her that her phone is still with him. So the very next morning, she went to his place to meet him.
They chat awhile and after knowing he has a dog, she wanted to go up to have a look at it. You know, xueni really loves dogs. When she got up, his dog 'rushed' and cling on her. Maybe she's just not metally prepared, she was actually afraid of this little one! So he asked her to get into his room.
In his room they chatted and she then realised he's 9years her senior. Ok, that's not the point. She became alittle sleepy as she haven't been sleeping last night, so he ask her to sleep beside him. Of course she didn't!! But after about an hour of showing her stuborness, she can't take it she fell asleep at his bed just beside him. He's really nice, he put a pillow between them.
yea. It's after that day, she knows it well that she really fell. She likes him, very very much! She didn't want to admit this to herself because she always thought that wouldn't get involved with this kind of things. At least not now, you see. So the next day, she "don't dare" to go for work. In the end, she still went down. but not for work, for a drink because she just can't stand not see him. Margaret went, Jimmy(Mar's friend), Vincent(jing xiang's friend) and Jing Xiang!!! yea. she hasn't been seeing xiang for almost 2years so she was kind of excited.
Ok, she drank alot and got herself "drunk". When she's unconcious, she went around looking for Uncle(it's the guy that she likes. she calls him that because he's so 'old'.) That's what Margaret told her. Ok, the point is that, she's really miserable, that's why she went for a drink. she felt that is Uncle just playing with her? What is xueni to her? Just some other girl to fulfill his needs and play around with? She don't get it. Guess that after that night, she thinks Uncle should know how much he have hurt her because xueni is not those girls who will go for a drink. i mean ya, perhaps in the past, but for this one year, she has been really discipline.
Ok, this carries on and on. She'll try many sorts of ways to "numb" herself up to keep away from the "danger" daily in order to not think of him and get herself so messed up. haha. But this is not the way!!! And that's it! she can take it no more!! She went up to him and ask.
Uncle:"You're too young."
Then? I mean, if really he thinks she's too young, then he shouldn't be involved with her in the first place!! Han told her "he's just fooling you!". Whatever it is, she still likes him. In fact it grew everyday. She don't understand. What is he trying to say?
Everyday, she carries this heavy "cant be revealed" deep secret with her. Her heart gains weight by seconds. yea. People is right, 'Love is blind'. She became so stupid and brainless. There's once she waited for him the whole night at the void deck at his flat. He didn't turn up. so she went up to his house and guess what? she saw his shoes!! And that mens, she had been waiting the whole night for no one!! Stupid.
she became so obsesed with this. she just wants to stick to him like a super glue. this made him rejects her even more. he gets so irritated by her. and just yesterday, she just lied to him that she has no where to go and expects him to accompany her. and then you know, it a N.O!
so she didn't give up, she called him and "pester" him again. he made it really clear and harsh. ya. she's hurt. but it's ok. this made her so determined to 'let it go'. she remember what pastor said, pray. so she prayed, after so long of not 'communicating' with God.
she cried. tears just kept running out of her eyes. she cried out to God to take him away. yea. the presense of God was so strong and she knows she never the same. she's still isn't very sure if the feeling is still there, but one thing she's really clear about is that she's longer "obsesed" with it and she feel so much lighter. she no longer wants to 'stick' to him. but she has to make a crucial decision on if she should continue with her work. perhaps just stop for a couples of weeks or so?
she really hates herself when she fall in love. she'll just do things stupidily which is not what she will do. she's a person that is so clear of what is to be done and not. in other words, she thinks she's discipline. so she never want to fall in love and she thought she have always been controlling herself well. she's really disappointed with herself.
the last time she didn't want to let go of this it's because she wants to dote on Uncle. show him some love? because she knows Uncle is leading a miserable life. he's so lonely and helpless though he did not say. but now, it's none of her business. i mean, she'll show love to him in a different way? and also, this is the first time she is so serious about a guy. yea. so she don't wish to end it just like that. she even had to thought of having him as a life partner. but this is all her wishful thinking. maybe that stranger she met on that day when she waited for him the whole night was right. "if he's yours, he will be. but if he's not, just be it."
"ok. so Uncle, i'm telling you now, i don't know if i still likes you, but i won't say i'll try so hard to forget you because this is impossible and i'm just deceiving myself if i say so. but i will just let it go. i know, if you are the one that my father in heaven has placed in my life, you will return and be mine. yea. Uncle, bye bye."
Ok, how should she start? Hmm, as she had been consistantly working at that place, she became kind of "popular" there, as many really dotes on her, hence she grow to like that place. You know, when you really like a place, you'll always go there.
It's a place whereby you'll be "easily wander off" if you devotes to it. yea. In the beginning she's so confident that she would not, but proven, she's wrong. So wrong. She noticed this guy there and grew a special feeling for him. At that point of time she knows that it's not love, not even like, but just that she thinks he's different from the others. Good impression?
During her September holiday, she worked everyday, as a result, she'll be seeing him daily and things started to change between them. People starts to notice the deep secret between the both of them. She guessed he likes her too? People started to tease them. yea. Now she really believes that there's no secret in this world. There's definitely a person who can see through it. Ok, anyway, they started this teasing thingy and this made the both of them realised and were really clear about their feelings towards one another.
On wednesday night, they were working too. She asked him to keep her phone for her. When she's going back, she remembered that she have to get it back, but the driver uncle that drives her back was rushing her, so she didn't bother to get it. After his work at about 2/3am, he called, telling her that her phone is still with him. So the very next morning, she went to his place to meet him.
They chat awhile and after knowing he has a dog, she wanted to go up to have a look at it. You know, xueni really loves dogs. When she got up, his dog 'rushed' and cling on her. Maybe she's just not metally prepared, she was actually afraid of this little one! So he asked her to get into his room.
In his room they chatted and she then realised he's 9years her senior. Ok, that's not the point. She became alittle sleepy as she haven't been sleeping last night, so he ask her to sleep beside him. Of course she didn't!! But after about an hour of showing her stuborness, she can't take it she fell asleep at his bed just beside him. He's really nice, he put a pillow between them.
yea. It's after that day, she knows it well that she really fell. She likes him, very very much! She didn't want to admit this to herself because she always thought that wouldn't get involved with this kind of things. At least not now, you see. So the next day, she "don't dare" to go for work. In the end, she still went down. but not for work, for a drink because she just can't stand not see him. Margaret went, Jimmy(Mar's friend), Vincent(jing xiang's friend) and Jing Xiang!!! yea. she hasn't been seeing xiang for almost 2years so she was kind of excited.
Ok, she drank alot and got herself "drunk". When she's unconcious, she went around looking for Uncle(it's the guy that she likes. she calls him that because he's so 'old'.) That's what Margaret told her. Ok, the point is that, she's really miserable, that's why she went for a drink. she felt that is Uncle just playing with her? What is xueni to her? Just some other girl to fulfill his needs and play around with? She don't get it. Guess that after that night, she thinks Uncle should know how much he have hurt her because xueni is not those girls who will go for a drink. i mean ya, perhaps in the past, but for this one year, she has been really discipline.
Ok, this carries on and on. She'll try many sorts of ways to "numb" herself up to keep away from the "danger" daily in order to not think of him and get herself so messed up. haha. But this is not the way!!! And that's it! she can take it no more!! She went up to him and ask.
Uncle:"You're too young."
Then? I mean, if really he thinks she's too young, then he shouldn't be involved with her in the first place!! Han told her "he's just fooling you!". Whatever it is, she still likes him. In fact it grew everyday. She don't understand. What is he trying to say?
Everyday, she carries this heavy "cant be revealed" deep secret with her. Her heart gains weight by seconds. yea. People is right, 'Love is blind'. She became so stupid and brainless. There's once she waited for him the whole night at the void deck at his flat. He didn't turn up. so she went up to his house and guess what? she saw his shoes!! And that mens, she had been waiting the whole night for no one!! Stupid.
she became so obsesed with this. she just wants to stick to him like a super glue. this made him rejects her even more. he gets so irritated by her. and just yesterday, she just lied to him that she has no where to go and expects him to accompany her. and then you know, it a N.O!
so she didn't give up, she called him and "pester" him again. he made it really clear and harsh. ya. she's hurt. but it's ok. this made her so determined to 'let it go'. she remember what pastor said, pray. so she prayed, after so long of not 'communicating' with God.
she cried. tears just kept running out of her eyes. she cried out to God to take him away. yea. the presense of God was so strong and she knows she never the same. she's still isn't very sure if the feeling is still there, but one thing she's really clear about is that she's longer "obsesed" with it and she feel so much lighter. she no longer wants to 'stick' to him. but she has to make a crucial decision on if she should continue with her work. perhaps just stop for a couples of weeks or so?
she really hates herself when she fall in love. she'll just do things stupidily which is not what she will do. she's a person that is so clear of what is to be done and not. in other words, she thinks she's discipline. so she never want to fall in love and she thought she have always been controlling herself well. she's really disappointed with herself.
the last time she didn't want to let go of this it's because she wants to dote on Uncle. show him some love? because she knows Uncle is leading a miserable life. he's so lonely and helpless though he did not say. but now, it's none of her business. i mean, she'll show love to him in a different way? and also, this is the first time she is so serious about a guy. yea. so she don't wish to end it just like that. she even had to thought of having him as a life partner. but this is all her wishful thinking. maybe that stranger she met on that day when she waited for him the whole night was right. "if he's yours, he will be. but if he's not, just be it."
"ok. so Uncle, i'm telling you now, i don't know if i still likes you, but i won't say i'll try so hard to forget you because this is impossible and i'm just deceiving myself if i say so. but i will just let it go. i know, if you are the one that my father in heaven has placed in my life, you will return and be mine. yea. Uncle, bye bye."
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Have faith
the end of year exams are coming, she don know if she can make it as she'll be woking and she doubt that she will have the time to revise. during her september holiday, she'll be working at 9-5 at paya lebar then 6-11 pasir ris. she alittle worried now. but she knows, god is a good god, he will definitely give her strength.
on wed, she and her aunt make some dumplings. this reminds her of belle. once, belle went to her house to learn to make dumplings too from her aunt. yea. she remembered they had lots of fun. though she was often being remined of belle, but she had given up. she just don bother anymore.
today, she'd receive a file from poh, her closest teacher. it's all the schools that she wish to transfer to. yea. perhaps after her exams, she'll be calling up the schools. she was really puzzled. the guy who ask her to stay doesn't seem to be doing anything to save the situation. she knows, maybe at that point he just said it to make her feel alittle wanted. he doesn't mean it. whatever it is, she don want to bother. she really doesnt want to hinder him anymore. she's just satisfied with what she have now. her family, friends,her life. but not her studies. ha.
after carol had gone overseas, she felt alittle empty. ha.yea, let's talk about something happy, she dyed her hair!!! it looks really, "wow"!! super bright. oh man, how is she gonna go to school?!! ha.
on wed, she and her aunt make some dumplings. this reminds her of belle. once, belle went to her house to learn to make dumplings too from her aunt. yea. she remembered they had lots of fun. though she was often being remined of belle, but she had given up. she just don bother anymore.
today, she'd receive a file from poh, her closest teacher. it's all the schools that she wish to transfer to. yea. perhaps after her exams, she'll be calling up the schools. she was really puzzled. the guy who ask her to stay doesn't seem to be doing anything to save the situation. she knows, maybe at that point he just said it to make her feel alittle wanted. he doesn't mean it. whatever it is, she don want to bother. she really doesnt want to hinder him anymore. she's just satisfied with what she have now. her family, friends,her life. but not her studies. ha.
after carol had gone overseas, she felt alittle empty. ha.yea, let's talk about something happy, she dyed her hair!!! it looks really, "wow"!! super bright. oh man, how is she gonna go to school?!! ha.
Friday, August 25, 2006
just to let you know
recently, she had benen holding two jobs. yea. it's breen really busy for her but fortunately she made it for most of her tests.
last week, there's 13tests. and she manage to get 2B3s and the rest A1s. yea. praise the lord!! actually, she don really have much to blog about, she just wants to let everyone know that she's fine.
To Han:
no matter how rootten you think you are, or others think of you, just remember what she told you now. you're special. she has faith in you. she knows you does things for a reason. so jia you foryour exams!!
To Ed:
she thinks she'd send you a wrong message the other time. sorry. remember what you told her? you ask her to wait till your band split. now, seeing you and your friends, she doubt that that will happen and she don blame you. so, just carry on with your own life and need not bother about her.
To Carol:
yea. just enjoy yourself. she don think no one cares for you. she cares for you. really! she just wants to tell you that, maybe she's not your really really close friend, nor the one that you will turn to, but she really cherishes you.
To Sis:
hey dude! stop being negative. she thinks you're just feeling empty in life. and bear in mind that, this is life. and it's all these that made your life more interesting, isnt it? don worry about her, she's coping fine. and, yea, she thinks she should let you know this, she called that "jerk". she feels much lighter after talking to him. she feels really "shiok" after scolding him like mad. haha. and also, she wont mixed around with the bad companies at fisherman. please have faith in her.
last week, there's 13tests. and she manage to get 2B3s and the rest A1s. yea. praise the lord!! actually, she don really have much to blog about, she just wants to let everyone know that she's fine.
To Han:
no matter how rootten you think you are, or others think of you, just remember what she told you now. you're special. she has faith in you. she knows you does things for a reason. so jia you foryour exams!!
To Ed:
she thinks she'd send you a wrong message the other time. sorry. remember what you told her? you ask her to wait till your band split. now, seeing you and your friends, she doubt that that will happen and she don blame you. so, just carry on with your own life and need not bother about her.
To Carol:
yea. just enjoy yourself. she don think no one cares for you. she cares for you. really! she just wants to tell you that, maybe she's not your really really close friend, nor the one that you will turn to, but she really cherishes you.
To Sis:
hey dude! stop being negative. she thinks you're just feeling empty in life. and bear in mind that, this is life. and it's all these that made your life more interesting, isnt it? don worry about her, she's coping fine. and, yea, she thinks she should let you know this, she called that "jerk". she feels much lighter after talking to him. she feels really "shiok" after scolding him like mad. haha. and also, she wont mixed around with the bad companies at fisherman. please have faith in her.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Super thick-skinned freak
yesterday when she go to work, she heard from her bro, Xiang that this guy whose name, Patrick, asked my bro,
Patrick: "hey your sis like me arh?"
Xiang: "no la! my sis wont like you want lah. moreover, she have better taste!"
yea. after knowing this, she was really irritated. she really don like this kind of childish rumours and most importantly, she doesnt want to have anything that got to do with guys that she doesnt want to. probably other than those few that she's ok with, she hated boys!! so she cant stand Patrick's nonsense and she called that super thick-skinned freak.
"what did you say?!"
Patrick: "what i say?"
"why you anyhow tell the others i like you? please la, don think too much."
Patrick: (getting loud)"what?! i think you are the one that don think too much la! you think i'll like you?!"
"i didn't say you'll like me! it's you who say i like you!"
Patrick: (speaking loudly, but she don remember what he've said)
"why are you so loud?! you think you loud i can't is it? (vulgarities) what?!"
yea. then as you know, Patrick just hung up. stupid, how can anyone be so thicked-skinned? oh man, how is she supoosed to faced he today when working?
oh ya, today's probably her last day(if not, next week)! she's quitting. but she's sure that she's gonna miss 'ah ming'. yea. she really like that freak. he's really so special. and she knows, though he appear as so 'bo charp', but he's really a very sincere person, and really wish to cherish him. she really wants to have him as her friend, bt she cant possibly go to him and say, "can you be my friend?" right? hmm, God, i just pray to you now, don ever take this gift away.
Patrick: "hey your sis like me arh?"
Xiang: "no la! my sis wont like you want lah. moreover, she have better taste!"
yea. after knowing this, she was really irritated. she really don like this kind of childish rumours and most importantly, she doesnt want to have anything that got to do with guys that she doesnt want to. probably other than those few that she's ok with, she hated boys!! so she cant stand Patrick's nonsense and she called that super thick-skinned freak.
"what did you say?!"
Patrick: "what i say?"
"why you anyhow tell the others i like you? please la, don think too much."
Patrick: (getting loud)"what?! i think you are the one that don think too much la! you think i'll like you?!"
"i didn't say you'll like me! it's you who say i like you!"
Patrick: (speaking loudly, but she don remember what he've said)
"why are you so loud?! you think you loud i can't is it? (vulgarities) what?!"
yea. then as you know, Patrick just hung up. stupid, how can anyone be so thicked-skinned? oh man, how is she supoosed to faced he today when working?
oh ya, today's probably her last day(if not, next week)! she's quitting. but she's sure that she's gonna miss 'ah ming'. yea. she really like that freak. he's really so special. and she knows, though he appear as so 'bo charp', but he's really a very sincere person, and really wish to cherish him. she really wants to have him as her friend, bt she cant possibly go to him and say, "can you be my friend?" right? hmm, God, i just pray to you now, don ever take this gift away.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Message to all
it's been 2days. she hadn't been going to school for 2days. guess that many may think that she's slack and stuffs like that, but she knows very well that she just needs to take a break. yea. how long does she have to rest? hmm, this, she isn't sure, but soon? hopefully.
she wonders how her classmates felt? though peter said they're worried but she knows very well that peter's just consoling her. never mind. for this period, this resting period, just allow her to rest really well for her future's long tough journey and when she returns, she's no longer the same. she promised! she'll be stronger. even if in the future she falls again, she'll assured you that she'll get back on track in a shortest possible time.
during this period, she'll be searching for herself. her real self. and probably if possible, let go. she don know if she can do it and she's sure that it'll be really tough but she's willing to try. yea. perhap he isn't doing very well too? once she heard from her teacher that he was struggling too. like, he kept asking weird stuffs. so, he's probably still in his temptations. (but please, don hurt anymore innocent people!). and, i tell you, don ever try it on your sister anymore!! God, please send your angels to guide that siblings heart. allow them to sin no more!
recalling what had happened, she remembered that ed scolded him filthy. thinking of it, actually she's filthy too. in the beginning, she had tried to forgive him. really. but what he've done later hurts her even more. he doesn't sense any guilt at all. he just sellf-centredly care for his own well beings. when he learns that she reported, he message her things like, "why did you say? i thought you promised that you wouldn't report?!!" oh man! why are you so self-centred? how can you be it?
do you know what, she really feel so insecure. like, many people are gonna know it. also, she just kept remembering that scene. how helpless she was.she knows, all these while she's just being too shut down. she's so afraid of getting hurt that she don even want to try. so confuse! she's just so confused right now.
sympathy. please don ever use it on her. she don need it. she don want it either! yea. indeed, Rahmah has a great impact on her with the words she used. what sympathy? she still remember what Rahmah said. it's not that she holds anything against her, but just that that word made her doubt people.
she wonders how her classmates felt? though peter said they're worried but she knows very well that peter's just consoling her. never mind. for this period, this resting period, just allow her to rest really well for her future's long tough journey and when she returns, she's no longer the same. she promised! she'll be stronger. even if in the future she falls again, she'll assured you that she'll get back on track in a shortest possible time.
during this period, she'll be searching for herself. her real self. and probably if possible, let go. she don know if she can do it and she's sure that it'll be really tough but she's willing to try. yea. perhap he isn't doing very well too? once she heard from her teacher that he was struggling too. like, he kept asking weird stuffs. so, he's probably still in his temptations. (but please, don hurt anymore innocent people!). and, i tell you, don ever try it on your sister anymore!! God, please send your angels to guide that siblings heart. allow them to sin no more!
recalling what had happened, she remembered that ed scolded him filthy. thinking of it, actually she's filthy too. in the beginning, she had tried to forgive him. really. but what he've done later hurts her even more. he doesn't sense any guilt at all. he just sellf-centredly care for his own well beings. when he learns that she reported, he message her things like, "why did you say? i thought you promised that you wouldn't report?!!" oh man! why are you so self-centred? how can you be it?
do you know what, she really feel so insecure. like, many people are gonna know it. also, she just kept remembering that scene. how helpless she was.she knows, all these while she's just being too shut down. she's so afraid of getting hurt that she don even want to try. so confuse! she's just so confused right now.
sympathy. please don ever use it on her. she don need it. she don want it either! yea. indeed, Rahmah has a great impact on her with the words she used. what sympathy? she still remember what Rahmah said. it's not that she holds anything against her, but just that that word made her doubt people.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Unexpected-all the sorrows
somehow, she thinks she've just realised that the lock in her heart is bigger and heavier than she had expected. it have been opressing her, making her out of breathe for all these while.
yesterday she went to church again, after about a month of absence. this time round, it's bro MJ who persuaded her to go. in the beginning she thought it's just some other pastor coming to give a powerful serman. but as she went there, there's also deliverence!! ( you will know what i'm talking about if you're a christian.) it's some kind of casting out the demon's in you. depending on what demons there's in you.yea. so she just realised then that Bro MJ had planned it all long ago. she's not angry with him, in fact really grateful for his good motives eventhough she wasn't that regular in church.
so, no choice, after service, she went for the ministry. the first delivernce it's for people who have family curse-idolism, generation curse, like people in your family for generation they divorce and stuffs like that. hence, she cant escape from it. she went down. the first time, this sister prayed for her, but nothing happened. then carol still don give up. she brought her to the front to let more powerful people to be prayed for. this time round, a "more powerful" sister prayed for her. actually she thinks she had felt something. tears started accumulate in her eyes. but she don know why, she just laugh. she just thinks it's so funny and foolish. like, she don think it's her. i mean, she don think it's from her. she thought to herself,"this demon in her is a really powerful one." then they just went aside to allow others to be prayed for.
the second one was about sexuality. like, people who are sexualy abused, masturbation, pornography, have lust in them and stuffs like that. this is the main purpose for Bro MJ to plan all these, therefore, she HAVE TO go down. in the beginning was just worshipping. but she really felt a power undecribable thing in her, so she just prayed. she prayed and prayed, soon the worship ends and people start the deliverence. everyone around her was being prayed for, somehow, no one seem to notice her presence. but she cant escape from carol's eyes. carol kept yelling to ask those powerful people to pray for her. yea. indeed, this old cauasian lady came and prayed for her while she's struggling to escape. ha. the lady held her head and she cant remembered how many people actually held her (really hard) and she pray. she just cried. she cried and struggled and cried and struggled. at that moment, she really feels like killing that "bitch"(that's what she thought about the old lady at that moment) and everybody around her, including carol. many started noticing her, hence many just sratch their hands towards her direction and prayed for her. no use. she just cant let it go. it's not that she didnt even try. she had tried, but the pastor say, just forgive them. but the fact is that she cant. to be really frank. she was abuse NOT ONLY ONCE. it's just that the others had done to her were not that bad. as in, she's still strong enough to oppress those guilts, regrets, hatred and all sorts feelings and "move on". but that guy, is a N.O!! cant. she cant. it's really too much. she just don want!! people, please don be so cruel to her. cant you just allow her to hate him for ruin her life? don know why, that few minutes of deliverence seems like years? many hurts, hatreds, guilts, regrets was brought back onto her tiny brain. she's almost out of breathe!! finally, she managed to "escape". she struggled and ran off.
she ran towards her bag, wanting to leave. but carol caught her. so they just ran around the church. lol. then carol called Bro MJ to tell him about it. Bro MJ just ask her to decide again. yea. so this is when all things started becoming so clear to her. about what she actually felt about herself, about everyone, the incident, including that jerk. she just cant let it go like that. she don want!
then carol accompanied her back to their seats. carol just hugged her and cried. yea. so both of them ended up crying (like mad. lol)
carol (still crying): "xueni, i'm not going to let the devil to have control over your life. i'm going to pray and fast everyday. don you want to be happy? i want you to be happy. just let it go."
xueni: silent. (just dazing, acting as if she heard nothing, trying to control her tears)
carol: "let it go then you can be happy." (still crying)
xueni: (thought to herself-yea. i don want to be happy.)
(after awhile)
xueni: (talking while crying) "i'm very comfortable with what i am now. i don want to change."
carol: "but you're not happy!" (still crying)
xueni: (silent)
at this very moment. she just realised that she's just too used to being "numb" that she isn't very ready for happiness. can you understand what she's trying to say? like, this "happiness" seem so far and unreachable for her. just like how you feel towards a stranger-unsecured. and anyway, what have done cannot be undone. so what if they managed to cast out that demon? she's still stained. no longer good enough. she's just no longer the same! just forget about that bubbly girl, people! she's no longer the same, she cant be it anymore.
though things didnt really turn out good, but at least she's glad that she still have a friend who will actually laugh with her, cry with her. while the others, where are you when she needed you most? what guardian angel?
then she still went off to work. yea. at first she seem really listless, but after awhile, she got a hang to it. she just control and smile. but still, she's really listless. she burnt her hand alot more times than usual. that night was another sleepless night for her. she just kept thinking of it.
yesterday she went to church again, after about a month of absence. this time round, it's bro MJ who persuaded her to go. in the beginning she thought it's just some other pastor coming to give a powerful serman. but as she went there, there's also deliverence!! ( you will know what i'm talking about if you're a christian.) it's some kind of casting out the demon's in you. depending on what demons there's in you.yea. so she just realised then that Bro MJ had planned it all long ago. she's not angry with him, in fact really grateful for his good motives eventhough she wasn't that regular in church.
so, no choice, after service, she went for the ministry. the first delivernce it's for people who have family curse-idolism, generation curse, like people in your family for generation they divorce and stuffs like that. hence, she cant escape from it. she went down. the first time, this sister prayed for her, but nothing happened. then carol still don give up. she brought her to the front to let more powerful people to be prayed for. this time round, a "more powerful" sister prayed for her. actually she thinks she had felt something. tears started accumulate in her eyes. but she don know why, she just laugh. she just thinks it's so funny and foolish. like, she don think it's her. i mean, she don think it's from her. she thought to herself,"this demon in her is a really powerful one." then they just went aside to allow others to be prayed for.
the second one was about sexuality. like, people who are sexualy abused, masturbation, pornography, have lust in them and stuffs like that. this is the main purpose for Bro MJ to plan all these, therefore, she HAVE TO go down. in the beginning was just worshipping. but she really felt a power undecribable thing in her, so she just prayed. she prayed and prayed, soon the worship ends and people start the deliverence. everyone around her was being prayed for, somehow, no one seem to notice her presence. but she cant escape from carol's eyes. carol kept yelling to ask those powerful people to pray for her. yea. indeed, this old cauasian lady came and prayed for her while she's struggling to escape. ha. the lady held her head and she cant remembered how many people actually held her (really hard) and she pray. she just cried. she cried and struggled and cried and struggled. at that moment, she really feels like killing that "bitch"(that's what she thought about the old lady at that moment) and everybody around her, including carol. many started noticing her, hence many just sratch their hands towards her direction and prayed for her. no use. she just cant let it go. it's not that she didnt even try. she had tried, but the pastor say, just forgive them. but the fact is that she cant. to be really frank. she was abuse NOT ONLY ONCE. it's just that the others had done to her were not that bad. as in, she's still strong enough to oppress those guilts, regrets, hatred and all sorts feelings and "move on". but that guy, is a N.O!! cant. she cant. it's really too much. she just don want!! people, please don be so cruel to her. cant you just allow her to hate him for ruin her life? don know why, that few minutes of deliverence seems like years? many hurts, hatreds, guilts, regrets was brought back onto her tiny brain. she's almost out of breathe!! finally, she managed to "escape". she struggled and ran off.
she ran towards her bag, wanting to leave. but carol caught her. so they just ran around the church. lol. then carol called Bro MJ to tell him about it. Bro MJ just ask her to decide again. yea. so this is when all things started becoming so clear to her. about what she actually felt about herself, about everyone, the incident, including that jerk. she just cant let it go like that. she don want!
then carol accompanied her back to their seats. carol just hugged her and cried. yea. so both of them ended up crying (like mad. lol)
carol (still crying): "xueni, i'm not going to let the devil to have control over your life. i'm going to pray and fast everyday. don you want to be happy? i want you to be happy. just let it go."
xueni: silent. (just dazing, acting as if she heard nothing, trying to control her tears)
carol: "let it go then you can be happy." (still crying)
xueni: (thought to herself-yea. i don want to be happy.)
(after awhile)
xueni: (talking while crying) "i'm very comfortable with what i am now. i don want to change."
carol: "but you're not happy!" (still crying)
xueni: (silent)
at this very moment. she just realised that she's just too used to being "numb" that she isn't very ready for happiness. can you understand what she's trying to say? like, this "happiness" seem so far and unreachable for her. just like how you feel towards a stranger-unsecured. and anyway, what have done cannot be undone. so what if they managed to cast out that demon? she's still stained. no longer good enough. she's just no longer the same! just forget about that bubbly girl, people! she's no longer the same, she cant be it anymore.
though things didnt really turn out good, but at least she's glad that she still have a friend who will actually laugh with her, cry with her. while the others, where are you when she needed you most? what guardian angel?
then she still went off to work. yea. at first she seem really listless, but after awhile, she got a hang to it. she just control and smile. but still, she's really listless. she burnt her hand alot more times than usual. that night was another sleepless night for her. she just kept thinking of it.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Hypocrites!!
wat should she say? how can she actually help them? how stupid can she be? she's just a fool. idiot!
on thursday, her class was up to some "riot". their english teacher was hospitalised so there's this relieve teacher. that teacher kinda unreasonable and arrogant. there's some miscommunication between and blah blah blah. actually it's none of her problem, but as you know, in the end, she still cant stand it, she went and help.
she went to the office and told the HOD teacher, Rahmah. though Rahmah didnt mean it (she thinks) but she's affected.
Rahmah: "are you telling tales?"
"no. the whole class think so."
Rahmah: "you wait for me outside."
(then after a few minutes)
Rahmah: "it's all of you?! do you know the seven of you are those who always give me problems?!"
seven: "no lor! now it's the whole class think so!"
then as you know, no one actually believes them and she broke into a conflict with Rahmah.
Rahmah: "i think all of you owes her an apology."
" i don think so!"
Rahmah: "do you see that, you all just leave like that. it's already not right."
"i know we're wrong, but if we must apologise, i think she should too. she partially at fault."
Rahmah: "did i say you are at fault?! did i say you apologise for what you have done?! it's just a courtesy!"
" i don know lah. i just think she should apologise to us too"
yea. then, another teacher came along, Yee. this goes for an hour or so. they didnt apologise.
that day, she went home and think through it. she felt that, "yea. the rest didn't follow us. maybe they really want to study. i cannot be too self-fish to cause them to have no teacher."
the next day, she went to Rahmah.
"i think i want to apologise on to ms zaidah personall."
Rahmah: "i don know where is she. you should tell mdm rogayah."
(she went to look for rogayah)
Rogayah: " i think she's very hurt. maybe you can buy roses for her AS A CLASS."
"but they surely don want."
Rogayah: "i know you can persuade them, xueni."
"huh. but......"
(the bell goes)
she told peter about it.
peter: " but they surely don want"
"no chioce. i think i lead to that. try lor"
so they told the class about it. they just jeer a little. she thought, they will co-operate tomorrow. that afternoon she went off to work. she called everybody to ask if anyone can help her buy those materials as she'll be working till really late. CH went and help. like even an outsider was willing to help. so she didnt sleep and complete the card.
the next day, she ask them to sign. most from the seven signed. but some other girls,
girls: "don want lah. sign also no use. it's also not form our heart. we'll make her angry again want what!"
Zahrah: "yah lah. xueni, you're being too forceful! they don want then don force them lah."
"but that day you all don dare to say. then now dare to say you not happy.!"
(she felt really bad. maybe they're right. so actually she wanted to stop this and tell Rogayah.)
(end of the english period)
Rogayah: "what do you all have for miss zaidah?"
(xueni stood up, actually she wants to tell her about what the class felt.)
Rogayah: "yes, xueni?"
(telling the whole class)
Rogayah: "i think xueni really have the moral courage to actually come to me. "
(should i tell her? but... like, will i get things worse?)
in the end, peter went and gave zaidah.
Rogayah: " what you all should say to ms zaidah?"
the class: "sorry"
wat the. she thought they very unwilling? now she knows. they don want to get themselves into trouble, den they ask her to do all the job. she just wants to save the class but they just showed her their attitude. how can they ever do that to her? wa. she hates them. self-fish freaks! this time she told herself,
" i don care, i'll try my best to leave man! next time l won't help them. never! i want to transfer!"
on thursday, her class was up to some "riot". their english teacher was hospitalised so there's this relieve teacher. that teacher kinda unreasonable and arrogant. there's some miscommunication between and blah blah blah. actually it's none of her problem, but as you know, in the end, she still cant stand it, she went and help.
she went to the office and told the HOD teacher, Rahmah. though Rahmah didnt mean it (she thinks) but she's affected.
Rahmah: "are you telling tales?"
"no. the whole class think so."
Rahmah: "you wait for me outside."
(then after a few minutes)
Rahmah: "it's all of you?! do you know the seven of you are those who always give me problems?!"
seven: "no lor! now it's the whole class think so!"
then as you know, no one actually believes them and she broke into a conflict with Rahmah.
Rahmah: "i think all of you owes her an apology."
" i don think so!"
Rahmah: "do you see that, you all just leave like that. it's already not right."
"i know we're wrong, but if we must apologise, i think she should too. she partially at fault."
Rahmah: "did i say you are at fault?! did i say you apologise for what you have done?! it's just a courtesy!"
" i don know lah. i just think she should apologise to us too"
yea. then, another teacher came along, Yee. this goes for an hour or so. they didnt apologise.
that day, she went home and think through it. she felt that, "yea. the rest didn't follow us. maybe they really want to study. i cannot be too self-fish to cause them to have no teacher."
the next day, she went to Rahmah.
"i think i want to apologise on to ms zaidah personall."
Rahmah: "i don know where is she. you should tell mdm rogayah."
(she went to look for rogayah)
Rogayah: " i think she's very hurt. maybe you can buy roses for her AS A CLASS."
"but they surely don want."
Rogayah: "i know you can persuade them, xueni."
"huh. but......"
(the bell goes)
she told peter about it.
peter: " but they surely don want"
"no chioce. i think i lead to that. try lor"
so they told the class about it. they just jeer a little. she thought, they will co-operate tomorrow. that afternoon she went off to work. she called everybody to ask if anyone can help her buy those materials as she'll be working till really late. CH went and help. like even an outsider was willing to help. so she didnt sleep and complete the card.
the next day, she ask them to sign. most from the seven signed. but some other girls,
girls: "don want lah. sign also no use. it's also not form our heart. we'll make her angry again want what!"
Zahrah: "yah lah. xueni, you're being too forceful! they don want then don force them lah."
"but that day you all don dare to say. then now dare to say you not happy.!"
(she felt really bad. maybe they're right. so actually she wanted to stop this and tell Rogayah.)
(end of the english period)
Rogayah: "what do you all have for miss zaidah?"
(xueni stood up, actually she wants to tell her about what the class felt.)
Rogayah: "yes, xueni?"
(telling the whole class)
Rogayah: "i think xueni really have the moral courage to actually come to me. "
(should i tell her? but... like, will i get things worse?)
in the end, peter went and gave zaidah.
Rogayah: " what you all should say to ms zaidah?"
the class: "sorry"
wat the. she thought they very unwilling? now she knows. they don want to get themselves into trouble, den they ask her to do all the job. she just wants to save the class but they just showed her their attitude. how can they ever do that to her? wa. she hates them. self-fish freaks! this time she told herself,
" i don care, i'll try my best to leave man! next time l won't help them. never! i want to transfer!"
Saturday, July 22, 2006
a gift
nah, this is a dull day. she didnt do anything and never go to work. she'll be going to see doctor later. oh, she'd missed the chance to see him today. that monkey. hey, she could only see time once a week during work and she remember, last monday, is a happy day for her, as she kept remembering his stupid look. she just cant stop smiling to herself each time she thinks of him. though she often say things like she really hate him man cause he always bullies her, but somehow, she knows he's special person to her. a person who starts activating her heart. please god, don take this away, don take this excitement away, don take him away. never!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Racial Harmony
BNSS class 3Cthis indeed is a special day for her. firstly, she thinks this made her and her classmates closer and most importantly, with astria. she miss her. though she didnt really say, but she really miss her. she's her first friend in this school. she thinks she'd change. she's more confident now. and yup, she thinks she really make a not bad vice-chairman.she's really happy for her.
she like this man. like, they are so united. even jerome lee had worked hard for it. and yup, the best part is that, their efforts didnt pay off, they won the best class decoration in their level. yea. she really enjoyed herself. for the past two days, she thinks she felt happy. i don know. like, actually she weren't sure of what is the feel of being happy as she hadnt felt it for years, but she can feel clearly that it's special. she felt so excited. and what she's really happy about is that, she finally felt something after freezing her heart for so long.
yesterday, she's happy. i think is it because that she talk to ed?they didnt plan to patch up till they have prepared their hearts. they wanted to give each other more time. though on surface, they didnt seem to patch up, but inside, she knows very clearly that things between them had changed. they're no longer the same. her heart seems lighter. she thinks that yup, finally, someone had at least found the map to the key which can open up the big lock in her heart. he's the one who had walked with her, be by her side through the darkest days of her life. and, she didnt intend to tell him that time. perhaps it's all fated. if this is true, she really thank god. thank him for sending an angel for her, her guardian angel. she cherish this angel, this friendship, she cherish what he've done. she cherish him.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
running away.
yea. now, after a conversation with ed, she realised that she had been running away from many people. that includes, belle, lun, telepathy guy, M4, kenneth, ed, her past, softball, kenny, han, church, carol, many many.
she didnt even bother to blog about them each time she thinks about anyone of them. maybe this is the way to start afresh? at least for her. she don't know. anyway, there's no point if she blog it or not. people just don't bother too. in fact, if she doesnt talk about those, she appears more positive. ya. (though many still think it's so so so negative) so can you imagine if she blogs them? haha. she's just trying to be MORE positive(in her own ways).
many times, she wants someone. a person who will be there whom she can trust, whom she can love. i mean, she loves her family, friends and everyone, but you know, it's the other kind she's talking about now, a guy(or belle only). she just needs a hug from him. but she kept oppressing her feelings as she knows really well, it's not time yet. just wait. so she waited, not to think about it. not even a second. but just, she felt it again. she's not trying to look for anyone now as she knows it will be over tomorrow when she wake up. also, she's stained. i mean, she didnt have a good past, not fit to be with anyone. she's not good enough for others. yea. so better don drag them down.
those people that she had mentioned above, if you're reading, please love her? nah. i mean, just keep this way now, forget all about her. she's just not good enough anymore.
she didnt even bother to blog about them each time she thinks about anyone of them. maybe this is the way to start afresh? at least for her. she don't know. anyway, there's no point if she blog it or not. people just don't bother too. in fact, if she doesnt talk about those, she appears more positive. ya. (though many still think it's so so so negative) so can you imagine if she blogs them? haha. she's just trying to be MORE positive(in her own ways).
many times, she wants someone. a person who will be there whom she can trust, whom she can love. i mean, she loves her family, friends and everyone, but you know, it's the other kind she's talking about now, a guy(or belle only). she just needs a hug from him. but she kept oppressing her feelings as she knows really well, it's not time yet. just wait. so she waited, not to think about it. not even a second. but just, she felt it again. she's not trying to look for anyone now as she knows it will be over tomorrow when she wake up. also, she's stained. i mean, she didnt have a good past, not fit to be with anyone. she's not good enough for others. yea. so better don drag them down.
those people that she had mentioned above, if you're reading, please love her? nah. i mean, just keep this way now, forget all about her. she's just not good enough anymore.
her work place
she's back from work! lol. she starts to love her job, but at the same time, this is her first time she have the urge to quit as it is really stressful and tiring for her. she could hardly rotate her ankles each time after work+yesterday and today, she was really busy. the seniors there kept asking her to do everything. and even her bro made a comment,"i think you're the busiest here." yea. the two sblings work at the same place.
actually a week before school reopens, she wanted to quit. but she's really worried that about her bro, hence she decided to stay and lookout. now, she's really sure that her bro will be fine there, because their manager assured that to her.
yesterday was crazy! there is a middle-age, "going old" lady who works at night about 9pm. but each day, she will reach the workplace at 5pm?(she kinda dotty) most of the crews dislike her, expect for 3 person, two manager, Dorothy, Khairul and of cause, xueni. around evening time, that old woman started her nonsense. xueni was really corked up with the kitchen work as she's kinda new there(still unfamilar) and Khairul made her do all the work (including he's). at this time, she already a little unhappy with that man and then that old freak started pointing at her face scolding her.
that old waman- "Khairul my boyfriend arh."
(Khairul's only 20+)
she never bother about her cause that's THEIR problem, then there she goes again,
" Khairul say you pretty. Khirul like you."
(xueni thinking, hey, thanks. lol")
but the following line was,
" i don't like you arh, you smile smile smile to him, see lah, now khairul like you. you snatch my boyfriend. smile smile smile."
(this goes on and on for a long time)
then she really cant stand it she scolded loudly,
" ok lah. shut up!!"
yea. she stopped. and everyone was looking at her. they never expect her to do that as she is really a big joking there, and probably a jinx to everyone(only those of her age boys) . she would purposely embarasse and harrasse them. ha. (that have become her habit during work) . hence, of cause, they can't possibly stupidily allow her nonsense. everyone kept purposely bully her too. but they weren't her match, cause, hey, she's a real bitch! lol. they call her a name which she kinda dislike-xiao mei(small girl). despite that,she knows very well that they actually dotes on her and expect to see her every time.
there's a boy who is really her jinx. among all the boy, she like him best. he's 'monkey'( she calls him that-ah ming). she can never bully him. even if she manage to irritate him, she would definite have her 'retribution' the next minute.(that's the reason he's more 'outstanding') yea. there's just countless of words to say about them though she only saw him less than 10time throughout this 1month+. and part of the reason for her to like her job is him and of cause, the rest of the unlucky ones. ha :p
actually a week before school reopens, she wanted to quit. but she's really worried that about her bro, hence she decided to stay and lookout. now, she's really sure that her bro will be fine there, because their manager assured that to her.
yesterday was crazy! there is a middle-age, "going old" lady who works at night about 9pm. but each day, she will reach the workplace at 5pm?(she kinda dotty) most of the crews dislike her, expect for 3 person, two manager, Dorothy, Khairul and of cause, xueni. around evening time, that old woman started her nonsense. xueni was really corked up with the kitchen work as she's kinda new there(still unfamilar) and Khairul made her do all the work (including he's). at this time, she already a little unhappy with that man and then that old freak started pointing at her face scolding her.
that old waman- "Khairul my boyfriend arh."
(Khairul's only 20+)
she never bother about her cause that's THEIR problem, then there she goes again,
" Khairul say you pretty. Khirul like you."
(xueni thinking, hey, thanks. lol")
but the following line was,
" i don't like you arh, you smile smile smile to him, see lah, now khairul like you. you snatch my boyfriend. smile smile smile."
(this goes on and on for a long time)
then she really cant stand it she scolded loudly,
" ok lah. shut up!!"
yea. she stopped. and everyone was looking at her. they never expect her to do that as she is really a big joking there, and probably a jinx to everyone(only those of her age boys) . she would purposely embarasse and harrasse them. ha. (that have become her habit during work) . hence, of cause, they can't possibly stupidily allow her nonsense. everyone kept purposely bully her too. but they weren't her match, cause, hey, she's a real bitch! lol. they call her a name which she kinda dislike-xiao mei(small girl). despite that,she knows very well that they actually dotes on her and expect to see her every time.
there's a boy who is really her jinx. among all the boy, she like him best. he's 'monkey'( she calls him that-ah ming). she can never bully him. even if she manage to irritate him, she would definite have her 'retribution' the next minute.(that's the reason he's more 'outstanding') yea. there's just countless of words to say about them though she only saw him less than 10time throughout this 1month+. and part of the reason for her to like her job is him and of cause, the rest of the unlucky ones. ha :p
Monday, July 10, 2006
Sleepy days
Can you beleve it, she cried in class?!!! during the last period of a.maths, she just burst out while doing her work. tears just rolled down her sleepy eyes. at first she thought that perhaps it's that she strained her eyes too much, but at the same moment when her a.math teacher called for her, tears started rolling down her eyes. it's not about that woman, she just feels like crying. she just feel really really sad. there's no reason to it. perhaps is that she's tired of life, for a moment, she thought it was her telepathy with him, that he is sad. but i thought they no longer share this for quite a while? but she strongly disagree with what that woman said about her study attitude. hey, she have been working really hard to get her 5 A1s and L1R5-max*8pts. she really wished that she could transfer next year to start things afresh. for the past few days, she will go home as early as possible to practice on her weakest subject-a.math, and the result is that she can do quite a few questions which seem kinda tough for her on the chapter-surds and indices, and she will be working on logarithms, perhap, next week? these must be one of the reasons that make her so sleepy these days. she could hardly sleep for 3hours daily. moreover, she will definite wake up between this 3hrs and could no longer sleep, because she's really worried that she might forget what she've been working on the next day as she have been really forgetful these days. so, how can that woman still doubt her? perhaps she was judging her by her results. but xueni is fine with her. she still love that woman.
she had much commitment than anyone else. she's still working long hours. she already has lesser time than anyone else, and now she's working? yea. she cant say that she's not working for the sake of money, but the main reason out there is that she's working in order to study better and also help out in her family's financial area. yea. so people, please don expect her to commit on more stuffs and please give her lesser work. she had even give up on her church, but, one very important thing is that, she still love god.
she had much commitment than anyone else. she's still working long hours. she already has lesser time than anyone else, and now she's working? yea. she cant say that she's not working for the sake of money, but the main reason out there is that she's working in order to study better and also help out in her family's financial area. yea. so people, please don expect her to commit on more stuffs and please give her lesser work. she had even give up on her church, but, one very important thing is that, she still love god.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
put on spot
ytd she went back to her grandma's place. supposely, everything's under her control until her dad, Simon came. he's such an ass man! big fat liar. the adults that she had stayed with was there too. thanks to Simon's BIG mouth, the adults knew about her sis, Margaret's marriage. those the couple were planning too register at the ROM on august which had been discussed with the female's dad earlier on. and he too, have agreed to it. though this is so, that cunning dad had been trying all means to stop them secretly. he told those relatives to stop them and even his church members and pastors. in fact he had probably told everyone that knew him and his daugter to stop this marriage. wat the! how unreliable can this father be man?!! how can he even tell those strangers? to her sis, those church members of Simon are just some strangers, and how do he think they have the right to tell her wat to do, in fact, stop this mariage? Margaret like her, is a stubborn freak. but the only difference is that she's more reasonable than Margaret and there's still one only person who can change her mind or stop her from doing anything, is probably Margaret!! lol. and yup, so the adults stand are, as you know, they definitely opposed it. then, you know too, whenever she's there and regrading her siblings, she will be dragged down too. they asked her to contact Margaret, but she on Margaret's side, so she ask Mar about it and it's up to her if she wants to answer the call. so the adults called million times, but none of the calls were answered. hence, definitely, they changed target to HER! they were like, trying to 'brainwash' her, but the fact is that, ya, she's listening and she understands too, but she's not the one getting married!! after about an hour of it, they decide to ask her to contact Mar. and unfortunately, her uncle had snatched away the phone while she's about to warn Mar. yea. they had a great talk and Mar was made cried. nah. he didnt scold her, they just want to have a look at her boyfriend. but Mar is just too protective about him. finally, she had agreed to go, but this time, her boyfriend furred up. he don want. he just don want to see them. he hated her dad. how can Simon do this when he had already agreed to their marriage? why did Simon try all means to stop them? why is he creating so much trouble? yea. that's right. her boyfriend was just angry with Simon. and ya, the siblings too. nah. Simon is a really undecisive father who will just listen to others, especially those ass people. she's not trying to say the adults don have the right, but she's referring to those church members and Simon's bros. then of cause, the couple had a fight. so when she called Mar, yea as you know, she's always the one, she scolded like mad and Mar was crying and screaming at the same time. at this time, she had to comfort and clam both side down. oh man, this is tough man.
when everything seems fine now, the uncle that she had stayed with for 7years, James starts some nusensical stuffs. it's about her dotty aunt. her kept playing with the water and drinking too much water than her body could take. she look really bloaded. like round? those are not fats, but water. and the water bill is 400+? oh man!! why so much trouble. James was too stressed up and said something like, he will kill that aunt sooner or later. he can even give up his wife, now he had nothing to lose. when he said that, deep in his heart, she knows he's aching. she felt really guilty. the three siblings were the cause of their divorce. at this time, she was made speechless by her guilts. there's no way that she can comfort him, cause she cant even comfort herself right now. though she's feeling really lousy, but she still had to control her emotions and comfort her aunt, telling her not to do it again.
yea. that uncle. she will sense those guilts whenever she sees him. he had done so much for them, but she really disappoint him for wat had happened. wat James don wish to be repeated from her parents' history, she did it without even been reminded of him. she regretted. really. sorry uncle!!
when everything seems fine now, the uncle that she had stayed with for 7years, James starts some nusensical stuffs. it's about her dotty aunt. her kept playing with the water and drinking too much water than her body could take. she look really bloaded. like round? those are not fats, but water. and the water bill is 400+? oh man!! why so much trouble. James was too stressed up and said something like, he will kill that aunt sooner or later. he can even give up his wife, now he had nothing to lose. when he said that, deep in his heart, she knows he's aching. she felt really guilty. the three siblings were the cause of their divorce. at this time, she was made speechless by her guilts. there's no way that she can comfort him, cause she cant even comfort herself right now. though she's feeling really lousy, but she still had to control her emotions and comfort her aunt, telling her not to do it again.
yea. that uncle. she will sense those guilts whenever she sees him. he had done so much for them, but she really disappoint him for wat had happened. wat James don wish to be repeated from her parents' history, she did it without even been reminded of him. she regretted. really. sorry uncle!!
Friday, June 30, 2006
cold grey shelter
yea. finally, after all the plans, she had moved to her aunt's place on last sat. on the first day, it was really terrible+miserable. no one went to fetch her. hence she had to move all the 4boxes of heavy books all by herself. this had made her feel really sorry for herself, and moreover, the minute she reached there, all she get was scolding upon scolding by her aunt. at this minute, she just burst into tears. she was crying for few hours. she's not those girls who cries easily, but on that day, she just cant help it. tears just roll down her eyes like any damage water hose-uncontrollable. she cried till her eyes, nose and face were all red and swollen. when her sis knew about it, immediately, she wants her to return home, but she didnt want to end it this way. she had not even stay there for a day, she was still full of hopes, things might turn out better. however, things didnt turn out as she thought. when those adults knew it, they lectured her. no comforting words, they told her that she's big enough and must control her emotions. and, even the adults' kids were making a joke out of her. THEY SAID SHE CRIES LIKE A GOLDFISH!!!. oh man! at that moment, she really hated this family.
days followed, she presence in this family seems 'extra'. she will get scolding or lecturings everyday. they are really strict people. this is what she wants, but the unbearable pressure that not many can take had made her doubt the decision to move there. in times, she will have the urge to leave that cold and grey shelter. she really missed her family. though they are her relatives but she's really sure that she arent part of their family. yea they are under the same roof, but she can sense the barrier with them clearly.
every day is an at least 3hours trip. though she used to wake up even earlier than that daily in that old familar place, but this just seem more tiring and exhausting. perhaps it's the long trip that harden her joints. she could hardly move after every trip. and in the morning, she had to rush for the first bus. if she happens to miss that one, she will then be sure that she definitely will be late.
ytd was a good day for her. no lecturings and things go quite smoothly for her. she was asked to teach her little cousin chinese spelling. she really enjoy this moment. she thinks that this made them closer. she thinks she begins to spot some colours on those not very visible edges of that cold grey shelter.
days followed, she presence in this family seems 'extra'. she will get scolding or lecturings everyday. they are really strict people. this is what she wants, but the unbearable pressure that not many can take had made her doubt the decision to move there. in times, she will have the urge to leave that cold and grey shelter. she really missed her family. though they are her relatives but she's really sure that she arent part of their family. yea they are under the same roof, but she can sense the barrier with them clearly.
every day is an at least 3hours trip. though she used to wake up even earlier than that daily in that old familar place, but this just seem more tiring and exhausting. perhaps it's the long trip that harden her joints. she could hardly move after every trip. and in the morning, she had to rush for the first bus. if she happens to miss that one, she will then be sure that she definitely will be late.
ytd was a good day for her. no lecturings and things go quite smoothly for her. she was asked to teach her little cousin chinese spelling. she really enjoy this moment. she thinks that this made them closer. she thinks she begins to spot some colours on those not very visible edges of that cold grey shelter.
Friday, June 23, 2006
June holidays
this is a really busy holiday for her. a holiday is suppose for her to take a break, but she seem even more busy than ever. during the first two weeks of her holiday, there's almost extra lessons every single day. she had 2camps, kayaking lessons, netball training, youth carnival set up, meetings, church stuffs, working and last of all, on the move. yea.
many thought that she's really free or that when she missed some activities, they thought she's lazy or stuffs like that, but nope. she not that kinda person. it's that she's too busy. at times she felt so aimless. yea. and this is also part of the reasons for her absentees. often, she wishes to do all those responsibilities and tasks that many had put on her to the best that she can, but often, she just make a mess. she really wants to show out all her potential and she knows that she capable of doing them, or maybe better. nah. forget it
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